I have been married to the same woman twice for the past 16 years. We have three children together, d14,s12,s8. We are both 39 years old. We were married for 5 years and then I came home from work one day and she left a note saying she had moved out and wanted a D. Back then we were young and had two small children. We had been through some tough times with finances and jobs. It seemed to be to much for her, and on top of that, I was a young dad without a lot of experience. I would have to admit I did not do the things to help that I should have besides work.
It hit me really hard, and the thought of not having my kids on a full time basis crushed my heart. I battled it with the normal crying and begging. which only pushed her further away. I did my best to control my emotions, but that is just who I am.
I had found out a few weeks later that she was involved with another man from the start. I soon figured out that he was just a fill in that she needed emotionally and financially to get away. I made sure through all of it that my kids were ok, she didnt waste anytime bringing them around the OM and that hurt like h*ll. I forced the rulles of no one being at here apt late at night or too early in the morning, which then she decided to marry this man only 6 months from the day she left. I gave her a D, back then after I changed the paperwork to benefit me and my kids. I have always fought for my kids and I love them so very much then and even more now. It seemed like the day I found out that she re-married that I could move on with my life and know that it was truly over. Within a few weeks of that day, I began to GAL and move on. I started to date a little and still spent an enormous time with my kids. Which I found out then and today bring me more joy than anything. One night, I had the kids in the bed sleeping, and she caled to speak with them, I told her they were sleeping and she then started to cry. She asked me if she was to get some counceling would I give her a second chance. I told her I didnt know, we started to spend some time together with the kids and withing a few weeks started to spend the night together. She told me that she was sorry for leaving and she truly loved me and would never leave again.
And here I am today, posting to this site, with my heart heavy and my W telling me 6 weeks ago, ILUBNILWU anymore. Two months ago, she decided to have her tubes tied under advice for her DR. She also deciced she would get off her Paxil that she had been on for the past 10 years when she came back the first time. She had always worked at home, and now has a new job she started 6 months ago. When the job started she was so happy to have it, I was a bit nervous as she would be the only woman working with 12 men in a confined building. But she told me how happy she was that I gave my support for the job. The first 3 months she would come home everyday bouncing off the walls, loving and happy with me and kids. She would text me from work a few times a day to tell me that she loved me. Then she began to change, tubes tied, off Paxil,and then I found out that OM at work was pursuing her. I only found out,because she asked to fix her phone one day, and I found some text where he was flirting with her. She blew them off and told me he was just messing around and he was no threat. At that time he wasnt. W has never been very sexual as she had some issues as a child, along with her own Parents D when she was 14.
OM, is married with 2kids, and from all that I have gathered is happy in his marriage. I feel he tried to flirt with her to get what he wanted, and found out that wouldnt work, so he began to emotionaly attach himself to get it. I think it has become an EA on her part now and sees him as another ticket out of our M.
The hard part of this for me and my kids is that is just popped up out of no where. We went from bliss 3months ago, to her telling me she is moving out on the 1st of June. She went from kissing and hugging every morning before work, to just saying bye with a small kiss. To coming home about 10 tens before she dropped the bomb, and not saying much to anyone. Just sitting on couch, with a blank look on her face. I feel most of that was guilt on her part.
She tolded me that she had been forcing herself to love me over the past 10 years and because of my financial blunders years ago that she wanted out of M. Our kids know something isnt right with the R between us. She has yet to tell them that she is moving out. That is the hard part for me, they are all about our family as a unit, and are very emotional kids. This is going to hurt them so very bad, and I feel they will take the blame for it. She reminds them and me daily, that the kids have no respect for her and loves me more than her. She has never been good with the dicipline issue, and is hard for her to emotionally attach to kids. She is a good person, and loves her kids very much. Always been the best at providing for them and raising them. She has been putting most of the blame on me in the past 2 months on why she is leaving. Since we moved into a new home 8 months ago, we have relieved ourselfs of financial issues. It doesnt help that I was laid off last month, and struggling to find a job. I have tried to reason with her, and ask her to reconsider, and she will not hear of it. She is so determined to move out, that she brings it up almost daily. I started D-Bing about a week ago, and it seems to help more for me. I think its time to move on and let her go, but it hurts as I truly love her unconditionally. I have always been there for her, and allowed her to be herself. She likes to go out and have fun, which most of the time was with friends and I would stay with kids. I never tried to take her life away and change her. I have put up with all the emotional stuff from her, as she was never the one to be very touchy feely or into kissing and hugging. I feel I have sacrificed myself for her and my family, as I am the one that loves to be emotional and loves to love someone.
I have been over the past few days getting out of the house, and only to get called by her to where I am going. She still comes home and acts like everyting is ok, but when I mention anything about R, she goes off the deep end. Its like she wants out, but still wants to make sure I am still there for her. She holds normal conversatoins with me. I have stopped calling her and texting her for the past 10 days. I have reduced our conversations to next to nothing. I have not brougt up OM either. I told her last week, that I knew about OM, and she hasnt agreed or denied it. I told her it was unacceptable, and that I would move on with my life because of it. I think she is in limbo with her emotions as she is not sure if OM will leave his family for her. She is affraid of what family and friend will think of her. She tells me and my brother, who has had conv with her that I am a great man, and great father, and she loves me. But she is not happy and not in love with me anymore. I feel its a crutch for her guilt with OM and breaking up her family. It's almost like she is living a fairytale. She said the paxil put her in a fairytale and now without it she is being the real her.
History: Her parents D when she was 14 Never held a long term R with anyone when dating. Only sibbling died, ODed 5 years ago Her dad lives in the same town but never calls her Mother has busy,partying life and W only gets leftovers when mom needs her. Cold turkey Paxil 25mg 2months ago Tubes tied 2months ago OM pressure and EA 2months ago All blame for everything going on now is put on me.
Thank you all for taking the time to read my post, I have gotten to know of few of you, from just reading your post, and I pray for you all, and I am sorry you have this same pain in your hearts. I overcame this 10 years ago, and hope to do the same again. I gave it to GOD then and I will do the same now.
My biggest concern now is for my kids and how they will handle this blow to their hearts.
Take/2, sorry you're going through this for a second time. You have come to the right place.
Have you read DR yet? If not, get it as soon as possible and read it. If you haven't stopped bringing up R yet, please stop. You're not going to get the reaction you hope for. It only reminds her of how she is feeling right now.
Glad to hear you are getting out of the house and limiting your contact with your W. Let her initiate the contact and be mysterious.
Keep posting and read other threads. The more you post, the more help you will get. Hang tight as I'm sure there will be some vets chiming in. I just wanted to bump your thread.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
. . . which then she decided to marry this man only 6 months from the day she left. I gave her a D, back then after I changed the paperwork to benefit me and my kids. I have always fought for my kids and I love them so very much then and even more now. It seemed like the day I found out that she re-married that I could move on with my life and know that it was truly over. . . .One night, I had the kids in the bed sleeping, and she caled to speak with them, I told her they were sleeping and she then started to cry. She asked me if she was to get some counceling would I give her a second chance. I told her I didnt know, we started to spend some time together with the kids and withing a few weeks started to spend the night together.
I'm confused, Take/2. Was she still married to this other man at this time when you got back together with her??
Sorry you are in this pain the second time around. I believe you will find the DB board helpful if you will stay in touch by giving a regular update. A lot of people are here that are experiencing the same kind of hurt.
How long was your W M before she called you wanting to go back home?
If her doctor did not wean her off the AD meds, that will affect her state of mind.
Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, get that ASAP!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Left and Sandi, it is very comforting to hear from you both. I have not read the DR book yet, but I will get is asap.
She was married about 6 months to the OM before she called to come back home. She told me that she could not wake up another morning next to him. She said that she couldnt be herself around him. That I always let her be herself, and if she didnt want to get out of her pajamas or put makeup on that I still loved her the same. I do love her unconditionally and she knows it, I guess that is why she is still trying to be friendly to me.
Sandi, I feel I am at a point of trying to keep her from moving out of the house, even though she is determined. I also know that the kids need to be informed of her decision to do so.
I dont think she will ever go through what she needs to at this point while living here. I turned it over to god back then and I feel I need to do the same now. It hurts, but I know I can do this. She tends to hang it over my head about the kids finding out and keeps telling me that they need to be told. Just like she holds the moving out over my head, as she knows both of those issues hurt me. I try not to show my emotions when she says them, but i also know she can see through them most of the time.
I called her today at work to discuss the kids, and the sitch about telling them and when I thought she should move out. She plans on June 1st and the kids get out of school on May 20th. 5 weeks after June 1st, she will be leaving for 5 weeks to go off for training for her job. I am afraid that this will be to much for the kids to handle at once, but that is where I am tyring to pull some advice from here.
She said today that she would tell them the day she leaves, and that she would explain to them that they will be spending time at both homes. What kills me is that she said we could still get together once a month as a family and go to the beach or a movie. WTF. It's like she wants to go, but still wants to be a part of the famil from a distance. Like she wants to live her life but not allow me to live mine. She tells me all the time to get a grip, and GAL. But when I try she wants to know what I am doing. It confuses me, she acts like things are normal when she is here, but when she is at work she is cocky and so sure of herself. I think that is due to her EA at work with OM.
I also feel that deep inside of her she know that she is making a mistake, but the fog will not allow her to see it. She also feels that OM is going to leave his family for her. It's like she wants to move out, force the hand of OM to make a move, and if that doesnt happen have me to fall back on.
I dont want her back that way, I deserve more. If she whispers she needs something I have always been right there to get it for her. And of course I was there last time she wanted to come home, and I guess she feels I will be there again.
I know my kids will pull through this, but only with my love and strength. I know I can pull through it with respect for myself. I refuse to be used at this point,and dont want to be second choice for anyone. I am a good person, and I love to love. I am emotional but strong.
At this point, I need to get some control back from her, everything is being blamed on me, and she has control of every decision. I want to tell her that she needs to go ahead and tell the kids the day after they get out of school and not wait until she leaves. I also need to tell her that it is a good idea for her to move out on June 1st and even give her a hand to do so. Let her know that after she leaves that we will only make contact from that point forward when it comes to our children and their well being.
I will not take 6 months like last time to get over this and GAL. I will start today. I owe to myself, my kids, and to GOD.
She walks around with her cell phone all afternoon, and all night checking it. Almost like she is waiting for him to text her, when she knows he is not while he is home with his family. I believe at this point he is making broken promises to get what he wants.
I have read up on the EA when both parties are married with children and they never seem to work out. Normally the OM never leaves his family, and if he does its not for long. I cant believe at this point she is willing to risk it all for a chance.
I feel its time for her to take that journey and let her fall, so one of two things can happen. I either get her back the way I want her, or I will be able to fill my life with joy and happiness with my kids for now, and someone new who loves me for me in the future.
She has been holding the thought of her telling the kids abouth her breaking up the family over my head. She knows it hurts me and upsets me. She also keeps reminding me that she is moving out on June 1st.
This afternoon, she came outsie the house where I was and told me that our s8 had just yelled at her and was afraid he was going to hit her. I told her to handle it as I will not be there in the future to discipline him. W always makes me aware that the kids dont respect her and they dont care about her. I have telling her for 10 years that she needs to earn their respect, and still today will not hold them accountable for their errors. My kids are all true daddy's kids and I should not and will not take the blame for that. I told her to put her big girl panties and understand that it will be her role once she gets on her own.
I took the time this afternoon to finish this conv with her, by telling her that she needs to tell the kids the day after they get out of school on the 20th of May and not on June 1st. I also told her that I would bring the kids to my brothers house and would assist her in moving her stuff.
I told her that on June 2nd we would no longer hold any conversations unless it had to do with the kids. She wanted to hold those to issues over my head, h*ll with that. I validated both of them and took her ammo away. I told her that I have exhausted all my efforts at this point to save this marriage and will have no need to look back with guilt that I didnt do or say enough. Her mind is made up and now its time to do what you say. I have given her all the energy that I have this time, with no support from her in return. I allowed her back into my life 10 years ago, and it would not take 6 months for me to move on this time. I told her it is my time and she was headed in one direction and I was heading in another.
She made numerous comments to me an my brother how I deserved to be loved and touched and kissed and made love to as I was without a doubt a great man and wonderful father. I told her today that my life starts today to find that person for me and my kids. I would not jump on the first thing that came along, that I would be patient and find the perfect on for me and my kids. My last words to her today were you want this, your sure of this, now go get it and own it. I care for you, and wish you the best in your new world. She looked at me with a blank stare and I walked away. It's funny how people react when they are the one getting the crap in their face. Since then she has been trying to talk to me, went and got me a water at the ball field while I was coaching our s12. Since we have been home, found a way to get me in the bathroom where whe was showering to kill a bug for her. She then just came into my office and asked if I wanted something to eat. I kindly reply no, and told my s12 to handle the bug.
This is my time, and for you others that are in my shoes, stand up for you. You are without a doubt good men and woman and deserve nothing but the best. This may be a bit easier for me as I have already walked this walk once in the past. But it's time for you to take control, if they come back to you fine, if not you will be a better person for someone else in your future. Good Night!!
There is so much casually breaking of marital vows here, that I'm finding it hard to follow along.
You sure breeze over that awful cavalierly, Take/2, but it does complicate things that YOU were the OM, and got back with your ex-wife while she was still married to someone else.
take/2...it sounds like you know what you need to do. Definitely get the DR soon. Here is the link to the first chapter to at least get you started. Divorce Remedy-Chapter 1
Have you read any of the articles on the home page? There is some great information in them.
I have also found that many of Michele Weiner Davis's video clips on youtube to be helpful.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
