Bah, finished teaching today and all my students thanked me for the semester and said it was one of their favorite classes, and I just sat there thinking "the woman I married would be really proud of me right now; I wonder where she went."
I need to stop trying to understand. It's not understandable. I just need to see what she does and decide how much I will fund her (too much and she's cake eating; too little and it will force her hand and she'll initiate paperwork).
This [censored]. Where did she go? Who is this person in her place?
Well, so now the hard part starts, because she's visible again, in the form of facebook updates, seeing her online, etc. So we're still not communicating except via one-way messages (in other words, we see each other's updates, and she reads my blog).
So the curious part is what I make available. I'm talking with a coach again tomorrow, and we'll see what Jody has to say about the evolving situation.
Myself, I'm losing hope in a big way. But I've got an AWESOME support system here in terms of friends and family (no family in the area but sister is coming out for a few weeks and parents a couple weeks after that), doing a lot of GAL stuff, and while I'm really sad (lots of sobbing today seeing her actually finish driving away and arriving at her destination with her neopagan friends) I'm doing a LOT better overall than I by rights should.
By now, the sadness is almost... less missing her than grieving for what was one of the best friendships and marriages I've ever seen, and truly just not understanding what happened in two years to make it come crashing down like this. As others have said, it's almost like losing your loved one to a disease that reanimates their body.
The hard part is yet to come if legal stuff happens, particularly if we become enemies. Many things I can even equitably split, but there are a few showstoppers which will get NASTY (like garnishing my pension).
Sigh. Her FB status: "Quote from a friend, one I need to remember: 'My compass these days is focusing on my job of being a queen, in charge of my own sovereignty, rather than a princess, acquiring power through my ability to please. It helps.' Word." As if I've kept her in the coal mines on hard labor instead of FUNDING FOUR ADVANCED DEGREES.
WTH, man. I've already had to call off one of my friends trying to be an attack dog.
And when I'm feeling uncharitable, I DO have some internal comments on her "ability to please", snark snark snark. But really we both could use some practice on that.
A 2x4 here (from one who gets them on many occasions)...
STOP CREEPING HER FB!
And as I've been told often as well, stop trying to "mind read" or guess what the post meant.
Either hide posts from her, block her, or get off FB and GAL. Might not be easy to do, but it must be done. If only for your own sanity (ie. not knowing makes us insane... reading that stuff makes us more insane...)
Heh. Not sure I could handle more life than I've gotten. I'm now very busy indeed (and it's helping). I'm typing this in a pause between a (non-dating) social mixer and a tango lesson, lol. Feels like I have something going just about every night--a period of great growth for me actually.
The FB business isn't "creeping" so much as the only view into her mental state, which will help me understand how to approach some upcoming negotiation--but point well taken on not trying to read more into it. More importantly, it also helps me tell any of my friends trying to "help" me to STOP before they do even more harm (which is really what I'm trying to prevent here).
Don't forget, if your W is MLC... there is NO understanding her mental state. The moment you think you're "on to something" it will change. Especially if you try to use any of your newfound "knowledge" to address those things you've found...
I get that on the friend's interfering thing. Sometimes friends want to be helpful so that we're happy again. And that generally makes things worse, it seems...
So far, the rumored ratio vastly favoring women to men has not come through except at a social dance (I'm not looking, but there's nothing wrong with seeing, and frankly it's loads of fun dancing with a woman even without any flirtatious subtext).
I feel better after a social dance lesson than I do after an hour of counseling or therapy, and it costs one helluva lot less.
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Don't forget, if your W is MLC... there is NO understanding her mental state.
Yeah, fair point. Otherwise the nice dinner and cookies the night before she ambushed me for a walkout might have some significance. Very random.
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I get that on the friend's interfering thing. Sometimes friends want to be helpful so that we're happy again. And that generally makes things worse, it seems...
Particularly the guy who engaged her in conversation after her post. Nice bloke, but a bit... misguidedly enthusiastic (his solution to my problem was that he wanted to move in with me and teach me how to pick up women, for example...).
Ah, wackiness. My life is insanity, self preservation, and damage control.
Holy smoke, that hurt more than expected even though I expected it. I might even have been able to deal with an affair easier than this stampede to divorce two weeks after "we're friends again." Ugh. Didn't sleep a wink; about to go head for work to earn more money she can take. A small favor is that apparently there's some precedent for a supporting spouse to get partial reimbursement from a supported spouse when they pay for education and the supported spouse isn't working. Which has been BY FAR MOST OF THE TIME WE'VE BEEN MARRIED.
Hoswald Just caught up on your sitch. I know I advocated the use of facebook earlier, but how some people have already mentioned. Stop stalking her FB!! Pursuing behaviors are equally ugly whether online, in person, or the phone. That being said I still stand by my earlier statements of FB being a good PR tool for you. Keep posting, your fun stuff, and no posting bad stuff. Does your class do recitals? Great picture op..... Think of your Facebook page as your propaganda platform, not your spying network.
I know it is tempting to see what she is saying, but hey she is in full WAW, she most likely doesn't mean 97% of what she posts. Something I learned the hard way is that women need to vent, they need to just work through the emotions and cycle them. They may say things, only to work the emotion, it does NOT mean that is how they are feeling or what they want. At the risk of sounding cliched and a tight bit sexist, they need to "feel" their choice is the right one, and in order to come to the right decision they need to feel all the emotions that come across with all the possible choices. Her facebook vents may just be her trying to run through all the emotions as she tries to understand what feels is right. Women are usually truer to their feelings because they will cycle through all of them, until they find the one that is appropriate.
We guys are logical people, we don't want to feel the pain of the emotion to decide if it is right. Instead we will just pick what we feel is "logical". The downside is that sometimes we ignore our own true feelings, and those of our partner. (A common complaint here BTW).
I heard this makes us good short term decision makers, while women are good long term decision makers.
All right so now that the tangent is over what does this mean:
"Don't take too seriously anything she says, and only 50% of what she does!"
This applies to facebook too.
Keep GALing pal
As for your comment about how your spouse fits you like a glove. I hear ya I feel the same way. It's hard to think of finding someone with all the qualities you love about your spouse. Keep this in mind, the same applies to her.
I truly believe that DBing is all about reminding them about all those qualities they will find themselves hard pressed to find in ONE person, while at the same time getting rid of, or improving on those qualities they don't like. Right now the bad qualities outweigh your good ones in her mind, prove her wrong!
Well I'm happy you're GALing. Tango, eh...? 