Digging Through Old Email

[AJM]

Tad, I cannot begin to tell you how much that hammer will help more than anything else. I was told much the same and had to learn it the hard way. I paid attention. My drug of choice was the phone bill. I stopped looking and guess what? My attitude improved tremendously. I stopped listening to the friends and family about her escapades. Guess what? I realized how hurt her friends were at the same time. And as I stopped listening, my relationships with old friends improved.

As I started to climb out of the hole the surprise (it was to me) created, I realized that I hadn't lost anything per se. I gained an opportunity. I began to keep track of the good and wonderful things around me no matter how small or large. Guess what? I began to heal.

Do I still have my moments? My thoughts? Of course. Much less frequently. The "noise" in my head is dying down still. What happens now is that I have months of great time and a few hours of other emotions. I'm careful to not say bad things about her. They all get back to her because she asks people.

She has accused me three times of cheating on her. None of them true, but in her mind that's not important. I watched her re-create our past, only to find out that she was fabricating lies. And then she did all over again. Many times. Until it no longer mattered outwardly.

Is she mental? I don't think that's the case. I think she is in pain. I think she is human. I think she is trying to reconcile her choices and to do that, to be the hero in her story she has to get rid of anyone that doesn't agree with her and has to make me the bad guy. Why? I don't really know. I suspect several reasons, but I can only tell you what I've seen. The facts, and not the conjecture. I left my mind reading capability on the table at my 12th birthday

Regardless of your thoughts, remember a few things:
1) thoughts will come and go. Learn to let them but not let them get out of control. Takes a lot of practice and, you guessed it, time. There is no pill for that, sadly.
2) things don't happen TO you. They happen FOR you. Even if you cannot currently see why. Why comes much later, if at all.
3) you didn't cause this. Therefore you cannot end it. You cannot make her "snap" out of it. Only she can do those things.

Time is not the only thing that heals Tad. God. Practice. Faith. You need those things to help you dig out of the hole. Lying there won't do it.

I've seen you start to take those first steps to healing Tad. Continue. They are not for the faint of heart. Standing is not for the faint of heart, but right now you cannot even stand for yourself if you needed to. Get to a place where you can stand for you. Get healthy. You have the time. You have the tools. You have the ability to do that. Do it with grace and do it with everything you have. Crawl, run, walk, jump, - do whatever you need to do in order to heal. Keep doing it. Even when you slip and fall, do it anyway.

I promise, at some point things will be very different. You need to be ready for that.

As for my comment - she was on this road long before you became aware of it. She was changing. You have a lot of catching up to do.

Start moving Tad. Regardless of what you feel like doing - don't stop moving. Take one step and then another. Start with not paying attention to what she is doing. Don't cyber stalk. Don't listen to the kids when they talk about, as hard as that is. Let them vent sure, but don't listen to the things they tell you about her for your own sake.

Go dark. Go dim. Go somewhere, but do it for YOU! Go dark to keep yourself from being hurt. Don't respond easily to her. That's enablement. Be as courteous to her as you would a stranger that you barely know. You barely know her. She barely knows herself. Let her figure it out without hurting you.

You are radioactive my friend. She is radioactive to you. Recognize that for what it is - it's not what you want nor what you want to hear - but it is how things are. See the reality and not what you want to see.

You didn't ask for this nor did you start it. You cannot end it nor can you help her. You can help yourself and your boys though.

Ever hear that prayer about give me the grace to forgive those that need forgiving, to do the things I can, and to let go the things I cannot (something like that, right?)

Going dark is for you Tad. Not for her. Stop getting hurt by her. That ends when you say it does and it's one more step you can take. Take charge of you and don't let her hurt you any longer. You can do that by not listening and not stalking. You cannot believe the BS anyway - really

Get to it Tad

AJ