I am very close to my MIL, for the past 20 years she has been more of a mother to me than my own and we have been like best friends at times. I keep my relationship with her close to my heart, but I will say it has helped me to detach by not being in contact with MIL as much. My H too lived with my in-laws at first, and finally moved in with OW. I took MIL to breakfast for Mother's Day and we had a great talk. I expressed how much I loved her and that we will always have a special relationship, but for my own mental well being I have to have distance at this time. My H is her son, one of only two children, I know she wants to make things better, but she cant. I also know that she won't want to lose contact with her son as she has with her other son. This whole situation is messy, and I love her and it breaks my heart that I have to back off from her in order for me to heal emotionally.
I am saying all this because you do have to be careful with your own mental well being and the motives behind all interactions with in-laws, it could all backfire one day. Blood is thicker than water. I have seen the backfire in action. Just be careful and think about your motives when you talk with MIL about H.
Blessings,
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
As much as I dont want to, I think you are right Lorie. I need to limit my contact with MIL. We have been having these weekly coffee catchups to discuss H. But I dont think that its helping. She is being supportive but at the end of the day there is nothing she can do to ultimately help the situation and by having the meetings (which H knows about) it prolongs my ability to detach.
I also think that H may see this a being manipulative. H may perceive that MIL and I are conspiring against him. And not see it for its true intention which is to help him get through this process.
OK this has helped alot - I will speak with MIL this week. Its gonna be tough - weve been through a lot together. But I believe its for the best. Thanks to all who helped me realise this.
H text last night. He was unsure what day he told me that he would be coming round to see S. Tonight or tomorrow? Dont think he knows what day it is sometimes. I was in a playfull mood. I wrote the following: Both! jks. Just let me know which day and Ill let S know.
He didnt reply. I wasnt bothered much. He replied at 5am this morning. Think he might be playing games. H said he will be coming tonight. H also asked me to bring some of his coats/jackets as its getting quite cold here in Oz.
Just about to order a copy of DR. Hope it comes soon.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Since being seperated H and I have ML twice. The first time I didnt know he had OW. Second time I did but wanted to do it also. Did I feel bad about it afterwards - yes because I wanted more. More emotionally that is. I felt used like I was the OW.
I know that H still has feelings for me. Buried deep deep down. I still see him checking me out all the time. And I can sense the advances that he makes.
I do not want to ML to him anymore until he is done with OW. I have respect for myself. I will not be used. I am not his cake.
But I need help with how to say this to him. He has been flirting with me over text. When he next does this I thought I could write the following:
H
I know you want to be with me. And I want to be with you. But until we find a way to be together then we should focus on being friends. Hopefully we wont have to wait too long before we can be together again.
Me
Let me know what you think? Suggestions are welcome.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
The best thing you could do is ignore him. Ignore the flirty texts and keep things strictly business if you need to talk to him at all. He needs to believe that you've moved on from his drama.
Even when he tries to contact you for logistical things, do not respond back to him right away. He's going to accuse you of ignoring him, but stay on track.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I know you want to be with me. And I want to be with you. But until we find a way to be together then we should focus on being friends. Hopefully we wont have to wait too long before we can be together again.
Me
Let me know what you think? Suggestions are welcome.
I think you need to say the real reason. You need to tell him that you respect yourself too much to be sexually involved with a man who is involved with someone else. When he is done with the other relationship and wants to reconnect in that way, you will be open to it, but for now, we just need to remain friends for our S.
Just that and nothing else. I had to do the same thing. The worst part is you fear making him mad. But self worth and dignity are a powerful weapon in taking care of yourself!! God made you to respect yourself and by doing so you will protect yourself.
Blessings
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I want us to be friends. Friends do not talk to each other in this way. If you want us to be more than friends I am open to discussing this with you.
Me
Lorie, I do not want to bring up the OW. I feel that bringing up OW would validate the R they have. I know she is only a bandaid. If H wasnt going through MLC he would not be with her. She is not his type physically or mentally.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
Lorie, I do not want to bring up the OW. I feel that bringing up OW would validate the R they have. I know she is only a bandaid. If H wasnt going through MLC he would not be with her. She is not his type physically or mentally.
Bringing her up or not, she still exists and being honest is the best thing you can do and not be in denial. You can tell him however you want, but tell him that being friends is all you can offer because you respect yourself too much for it to be anything else. I will forewarn you, that being friends is really hard when they are in MLC. I am friendly with H when he is around, but I wouldn't say we are friends, I tried that, but then he would ignore my texts when he was with OW. He would lie about things and generally not try to be friends, just parents. So, that is where we are now, just parents to our daughter. Nothing else, and I am fine with that now, it keeps me off the roller coaster.
Blessings,
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
I want us to be friends. Friends do not talk to each other in this way. If you want us to be more than friends I am open to discussing this with you."
From a guy's point of view...no don't send that. The fact is that you DON'T want to be friends with him. He's your H and you deserve his respect. I can tell you that after getting attention from two women, ignoring him is going to send him a louder message than telling him something.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
OK Im really confused by your post. Ive read alot of other posts that say to ignore OW. Pretend that she doesnt exist. Concentrate on me and being the best person I can be. By acknowledging OW wouldnt I be validating their R? I dont want to validate their R. I want H to see the changes that I have made. The good things that he used to love about me. Yes I realise that the changes I make are for me - and Im glad I am making them. Its not been easy but I feel good about the changes. They are making my life better and I feel happier about me. Sad about our marriage but happy about me.
H has made comments about me being my old self again. I know that these changes arent for H. They are for my benefit but it feels good that he at least notices. And likes what he sees. Ego boost for me.
I feel so confused today.....
S & I are meant to be meeting up with H tonight. I was going to go and act "as if". Ive been having good success with these outings. We have all been having a great time. H doesnt contact us for a few days after. But I expect it now and dont get too upset about it. Yes I do still check my phone but I know in time this too will stop.
I have a confession to make. I still have access to H's bank account. Up until last weekend I was checking it daily. Yes i know bad bad bad! I made a promise to myself not to check it anymore. And even though its only been a few days I havent checked it and I feel good about this.
Also I was on sleeping pills for a few weeks. My counsellor told me to stop taking these as it can become addictive and that it would be bad for my health and bad for S if i became addicted to them. When she mentioned S - I immediately stopped taking them. Its been over a week and a half and I havent taken them. However, I only sleep for 4-5hrs but again I know that this too will get better with time.
W - 31 H - 33 Married - 7 years Together - 10 yrs Kids - S 3yrs old Separated - 27/03/11 OW - 10/04/11
I don't mean to confuse you. The best thing at this point is to do what is working while still maintaining your self worth and respect. I think Bond's advice was good. Don't respond to the flirty text. Just keep it simple and to the point. Have a good evening!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
