Digging Through Old Email

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Snodderly, Antonia, Lorie and Jack.

I will not talk about R unless she wants to. All on her time right?

I've got the hammer Jack. I'm going to keep it in my back pocket.

I know I shouldn't be checking, but saw some things today on her FB page that convince me that she is really just wacko. Completely mental.

Poor woman.

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Jack that is terrific (and hilarious) advice.

Tad I think you're still trying to convince yourself she is "mental" or entirely changed--that's probably why you looked on her FB page. Eventually you probably should just block her so that you would have to unblock her (more clicks) to see what's going on. And once you unblock, you cannot then reblock for 48 hours. Been there, done that ;-)I think the FB watching almost becomes a substitute for actual face to face contact in that we can sorta kinda see into their lives that way, but more than anything, it's just going to hurt you, more than hitting yourself with a hammer ;-) So the sooner you can curb your tendency to be a voyeur--through fb, through hearing what other people say who talk to her, whatever, the better for your sanity. You'll never make sense of it because she took a ticket to Crazytown and is hanging out there for now with all of our exes ;-)

[AJM]

Tad, I cannot begin to tell you how much that hammer will help more than anything else. I was told much the same and had to learn it the hard way. I paid attention. My drug of choice was the phone bill. I stopped looking and guess what? My attitude improved tremendously. I stopped listening to the friends and family about her escapades. Guess what? I realized how hurt her friends were at the same time. And as I stopped listening, my relationships with old friends improved.

As I started to climb out of the hole the surprise (it was to me) created, I realized that I hadn't lost anything per se. I gained an opportunity. I began to keep track of the good and wonderful things around me no matter how small or large. Guess what? I began to heal.

Do I still have my moments? My thoughts? Of course. Much less frequently. The "noise" in my head is dying down still. What happens now is that I have months of great time and a few hours of other emotions. I'm careful to not say bad things about her. They all get back to her because she asks people.

She has accused me three times of cheating on her. None of them true, but in her mind that's not important. I watched her re-create our past, only to find out that she was fabricating lies. And then she did all over again. Many times. Until it no longer mattered outwardly.

Is she mental? I don't think that's the case. I think she is in pain. I think she is human. I think she is trying to reconcile her choices and to do that, to be the hero in her story she has to get rid of anyone that doesn't agree with her and has to make me the bad guy. Why? I don't really know. I suspect several reasons, but I can only tell you what I've seen. The facts, and not the conjecture. I left my mind reading capability on the table at my 12th birthday

Regardless of your thoughts, remember a few things:
1) thoughts will come and go. Learn to let them but not let them get out of control. Takes a lot of practice and, you guessed it, time. There is no pill for that, sadly.
2) things don't happen TO you. They happen FOR you. Even if you cannot currently see why. Why comes much later, if at all.
3) you didn't cause this. Therefore you cannot end it. You cannot make her "snap" out of it. Only she can do those things.

Time is not the only thing that heals Tad. God. Practice. Faith. You need those things to help you dig out of the hole. Lying there won't do it.

I've seen you start to take those first steps to healing Tad. Continue. They are not for the faint of heart. Standing is not for the faint of heart, but right now you cannot even stand for yourself if you needed to. Get to a place where you can stand for you. Get healthy. You have the time. You have the tools. You have the ability to do that. Do it with grace and do it with everything you have. Crawl, run, walk, jump, - do whatever you need to do in order to heal. Keep doing it. Even when you slip and fall, do it anyway.

I promise, at some point things will be very different. You need to be ready for that.

As for my comment - she was on this road long before you became aware of it. She was changing. You have a lot of catching up to do.

Start moving Tad. Regardless of what you feel like doing - don't stop moving. Take one step and then another. Start with not paying attention to what she is doing. Don't cyber stalk. Don't listen to the kids when they talk about, as hard as that is. Let them vent sure, but don't listen to the things they tell you about her for your own sake.

Go dark. Go dim. Go somewhere, but do it for YOU! Go dark to keep yourself from being hurt. Don't respond easily to her. That's enablement. Be as courteous to her as you would a stranger that you barely know. You barely know her. She barely knows herself. Let her figure it out without hurting you.

You are radioactive my friend. She is radioactive to you. Recognize that for what it is - it's not what you want nor what you want to hear - but it is how things are. See the reality and not what you want to see.

You didn't ask for this nor did you start it. You cannot end it nor can you help her. You can help yourself and your boys though.

Ever hear that prayer about give me the grace to forgive those that need forgiving, to do the things I can, and to let go the things I cannot (something like that, right?)

Going dark is for you Tad. Not for her. Stop getting hurt by her. That ends when you say it does and it's one more step you can take. Take charge of you and don't let her hurt you any longer. You can do that by not listening and not stalking. You cannot believe the BS anyway - really

Get to it Tad

AJ

[sunshinelewis]

Tad go back and read how desperate I was, I thought I would not survive. I lost my h and my only son went with him....basically everybody left me.
I use to drive by xh's house everyday and look at his myspace page. The deleted their page and that helped a great deal. Eventually I got busy and preoccupied myself and started detaching little by little.
I can tell u when u sit and do nothing ur mind wonders and u become more depressed. U have to make itself get up and going, if not for u or ur boys.

Don't talk relationship right now, u would only get ur feelings hurt.
Snodderly and jack, I think it was, told me to put a rubber band on my wrist and every time I wanted to call xh or talk to him....SNAP!

Prayers for u going up,
Renee

[AJM]

Come on Sunshine. The hammer is SOOOOOO much more fun and exhilirating....

AJ

[sunshinelewis]

I meant to say if not for u....for ur boys.

Also Snodderly I miss talkig to you. How have u been? Do u still communicate with your x?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Renee and AJ.

I got out a little today, but it was kind of a rough one.

All I've thought about today is W with the douchebag. What the kcuf was she thinking? Haven't been able to get it out of my head. Just one of those days.

I've thought a lot of the events of the past year. Do you know that just last Father's Day we were planning on renewing our vows? She even left me the nicest message on FB.

I didn't see this coming and the more I think about it, I don't think W saw it coming either. The change in her was so drastic. I still have a hard time believing all of this. I personally believe that W got sucked into her way of thinking by all of her single friends. Everyone she works with has either never been married or is divorced. W has always been sucked in easily by people. If someone tells her something that she wants to hear, she'll buy into 100%.

Sometimes I want a D. Most times I don't.

I want to talk to her about so many things including our marriage. Will she ever be willing to talk about our R?

My mom called me today and told me that W sent her a Mother's Day text. This shocked the hell out of me. I never would have guessed it. W was really mad at my mom when she moved out because my mom wanted to make sure that certain heirlooms that were handed down to us stayed with me. W was very upset. Like I said, I would have never drreamed that W would reach out to her.

Anyways, just really venting. Had a rough day today.

Thanks for all of your help.

Tad

[AJM]

I personally believe that W got sucked into her way of thinking by all of her single friends. Everyone she works with has either never been married or is divorced. W has always been sucked in easily by people. If someone tells her something that she wants to hear, she'll buy into 100%.

Know what? You should get that hammer out for this one too.

Not to be too harsh Tad, but your wife did what she decided to do. Her choices regardless of "why". If she is like mine, you watched her try to come up with reasons to justify this as well. In my case, many times until she felt it could stick. Even if it didn't, she felt it could and that was enough.

My guess is that if you asked her about it over time, like I did to mine, you'd find many different and conflicting answers? Know why? Because that's not important, Tad. Why is not important in this case. That's thinking you do so you can find a way to fix it and get what you want.

You can't "fix" it Tad.

She will try to reconnect to many people over time. Really. It was her life too.

You were surprised Tad. Rest assured you had no way to see this coming unless you were a trained professional. Did your wife know something was wrong? Most likely. But that doesn't mean she knew what to do with that information or how to handle it.

She still doesn't know how to handle it by the looks of things, right?

I can't emphasize enough that she makes her own decisions, Tad.

The good news is this: You are working through things. Your feelings are very normal from where I sit. I have had the EXACT same feelings and sometimes still do. That's healthy Tad. You need to feel your emotions. You need to work through them without dwelling on them. You will not be very successful at working through your emotions until you can get some distance. I didn't believe that until I lived it.

Keep that hammer handy my friend. The more you are silent, the better. Let her be the one to wonder about you while you work on you. Focus on you and let her take care of herself. It's a catch-22 I konw, but if you do not work on you, you will not be ready for what may (or may not) come next.

I am dead serious when I say this Tad. Focus on you. There is nothing you broke and therefore is nothing you can fix with regards to your wife. You are broken however, and it is up to you to fix you and you alone. Take the focus off the things you cannot change and put them on the ones you can. You.

Be good to you my friend. Work on those positives. See them. The world is a great place and you are missing much of it right now as you start to heal. You are starting. I'm very encouraged by what I see even if you do not see it. I was exactly where you are and I came back to the boards to try and help people in situations similar to mine. Yours is so similar it's scary. Don't make the mistakes I made. Detach now and focus on you. Do it while it still matters (irony - see how ironic and counterintuitive that can be?)

You won't get answers for a very long time if ever. Most likely, if you are like many of the people on this board including me, the truth won't come out for a long time and slowly at that. By the time it does, you may not care. I know I no longer do and I know that some still do.

Why does not matter Tad. You are what matters. Your boys are what matters. Your wife's decisions are hers and hers alone. She will try to hurt you if you get close and you are radioactive to her. She is radioactive to you. Stay at a very safe distance and find the positives. Be that positive man your kids look up to. Be that positive man your kids tell their kids they wish they could be like. You are that man Tad. I see that in your writing and your descriptions.

Look for the positives in your life away from your relationship with your wife. You may look at this later and see it as a good thing Tad. You will certainly see it differently.

Take the focus away from those things you cannot change and put them on the things you can - YOU.

Did I repeat that enough?

AJ

[tadpole1025]

AJ, a lot of goodies here.

I came back to the boards to try and help people in situations similar to mine.

And thank God you did. You've been a great help buddy.

If she is like mine, you watched her try to come up with reasons to justify this as well.

Oh yeah. I did everything wrong. This is all my fault. Like I said before, to her I am the devil. Her biggest thing was blaming me for "emotionally leaving the marriage" years ago. Really? Whatever.

You were surprised Tad. Rest assured you had no way to see this coming unless you were a trained professional. Did your wife know something was wrong? Most likely. But that doesn't mean she knew what to do with that information or how to handle it.

I just wish she would have talked to me about it. Maybe we could have worked things out. She went emotionally cold as soon as she started talking to OM. I got one kiss from her in October. One. Any hugs that I got were because I asked for them. I finally quit asking. She told me that there was nothing I could do or say that would make her stay. However since then, she has told me that I had two "windows" to get her to stay. Riiiight. Two windows that were closed because she continued to talk to OM and continued to pack. It's funny that I knew nothing of these "windows" until after she moved out.

She still doesn't know how to handle it by the looks of things, right?

Absolutely correct. A lot of times I think she is more confused than I am.

The good news is this: You are working through things. Your feelings are very normal from where I sit. I have had the EXACT same feelings and sometimes still do. That's healthy Tad. You need to feel your emotions.

But is it normal to try to "figure this crap out?" I know I can't and I shouldn't even try, but I still try to find out why this crap is happening.

The more you are silent, the better. Let her be the one to wonder about you while you work on you.

I've been dark, but I actually went completely black this past weekend. It was hard, but I'm sure it will get easier with time and practice.

You won't get answers for a very long time if ever. Most likely, if you are like many of the people on this board including me, the truth won't come out for a long time and slowly at that. By the time it does, you may not care.

I worry about "not caring" daily. The longer this drags out, the closer I am to "not caring."

She will try to hurt you if you get close and you are radioactive to her.

Why though? Why does she want to hurt me so badly? I can think of texts that she has sent me that were just downright mean. I know that the "real" W doesn't feel like that, but the alien W is just so frickin mean. The personality shift is almost hard to believe. I WOULDN'T believe it if I didn't see it first hand.

Be that positive man your kids look up to.

I'm trying man. I've given this a lot of thought over the past few days.

I'm wondering if there is anyone on this board that ever thought that their spouse would ever or was even capable of doing something like this. I would have bet my life against it. Good thing I'm not a gambler. Never in a million years would I have ever suspected that my M would be in the mess it is in and that my W would be riding the crazy train.

Boggles my mind.

Thanks for all of the help!

Tad

[sunshinelewis]

I'm wondering if there is anyone on this board that ever thought that their spouse would ever or was even capable of doing something like this. I would have bet my life against it. Good thing I'm not a gambler. Never in a million years would I have ever suspected that my M would be in the mess it is in and that my W would be riding the crazy train



Tad I had no clue.....
Came home from work for lunch....
Hubby was painting our house inside.
He was taking a break sitting on the inside stairs talking to a fishing buddy, told his buddy he had to get off the phone that I was home from work.
We hugged and joked a little. I said..."well since we have two homes right now (we were renting one because we were gonna sell our house, but changed our mind and decided to keep it....thus the painting), this would be a good time for you to kick me out"......I laughed and he said, very seriously..."I think if I wanted to leave you I would".
Wow... I said "I was only kidding" he said "I know".
We walked straight upstairs to where he was painting. His phone rang and he wouldn't answer it. I asked him why and he got defensive.
After a couple minutes he stood up, looked at me and said ...."I want a divorce".
I was like....what?
He started crying.....said ...I love u but not in love with you bull crap.
Didn't even want a trial separation, said he was 80 per cent sure he wanted a divorce.
He said he always told me he would leave me before he cheated on me, and he was very close to cheating.
Close?... Whatever.
Anyway.....no i had no clue it was coming. He had said a few days before that he couldn't imagine living without me and our son in his life.
Guess he changed his mind overnight about me huh.

Renee