Digging Through Old Email

[sunshinelewis]

Male menopause for the husbands that is.

[AJM]

Tad, yes we do go through the same things. Doing good one moment and then down the next. Picture a sine wave. Right now very close together. Lots of static. Over time it lengthens. Or maybe ocean waves helps more. The waves in the surf are very harsh and when you are in them they can be very tumultuous and confusing. Tumbling and tumbling and .....

I still get them but not as long and not nearly as devastating.

Learn to surf my friend.

Glad you got out out. Do that more often.

As for the charity? Isn't that what it's for? Wouldn't you do the same if the situation were different?

My therapist once mentioned something to me. She said that wife and I are in different places in the relationship. I think that may apply with you as well.

And the statement about the wife you knew that wouldn't do this stuff? That's very true Tad. I think that's a fact.

Take the focus off of her and put it on you.

Have you kept that list of the good things in your life? How is that coming? There are a lot of great things in your life Tad. A lot more to come that you can't yet see, but are coming just the same.

Change your focus to the good things and see how life looks then. It's a good life and you will start to see that when you look for it.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Renee and AJ.

I am applying for food stamps this coming week. (I can't believe that I just wrote that.) Wow, how the mighty have fallen. I've never had any problems providing for my family and now my life is in shambles. I've got to pick myself up this week and "get to gettin" like Brooklyn says.

Everyone tells me that W is hurting. I don't see it. I almost wish she is. Does that make me a terrible person?

She said that wife and I are in different places in the relationship.

Can you explain this a little more? I don't think W is in the R at all.

Have you kept that list of the good things in your life? How is that coming? There are a lot of great things in your life Tad. A lot more to come that you can't yet see, but are coming just the same.

Honestly, I've got the list, but I really haven't added anything to it in a long time.

Today was rough. I never thought that Mother's Day would get me down.

The latest:

I was supposed to pick up S16 at her place at 8:00 this evening. At about 6:30, I get this text:

W: Would it be an inconvenience to pick up S16 at 9:00?

M: That's fine.

W: Thanks.

M: Yeah.

Yesterday, I was not here when she picked up S16. Of course she asked where I was and said to him: "I'm surprised your father wasn't here. He's always here when I pick you up."

Tonight when I picked him up from her place, I didn't even get out of the car. Would you believe that I was glad that I didn't even have to deal with her? I could have talked to her, but why? We'll talk when she wants to. Usually, I pull up in her driveway and get out and talk. She usually says what she has to say and tells S16 goodbye and then closes the door. Tonight, I backed in and didn't even turn the car off. We didn't speak. She told S16 goodbye and kept the door open slightly and watched as we pulled away until we were out of sight. Weird. Maybe she is noticing that I'm dropping the rope? Who knows.

A couple of weeks ago I had told her that I caught our niece (W's sister's daughter) ditching school on more than one occassion. I told her this in hopes that W would tell her sister. Well, I found out tonight from S16 that my W thinks I'm lying about it. Of course I'm lying! W thinks I am the devil.

S18 sent her a text this evening wishing her a Happy Mother's Day. He did it because I told him that it would be nice if he called her for her special day. He texted it to her instead. W made a comment to S16 that it was nice but he probably only did it because his girlfriend convinced him to. God forbid I was the one that convinced him.

S20 told me that he got in 3 arguments with her this weekend. I have no idea why and didn't ask.

My brother's wife called her last night. When talking to her today she said that W was really mellow on the phone. W made comment that things seem to be getting better and that our sons are starting to come around. If she only knew. They really think she is a basket case.

I seem to be struggling more today. Sometimes I think that she really wants out and other times I think that she really has lost her frickin' mind.

I just want this all to end.

Tad

[sunshinelewis]

Tad let me share something with you.
I don't know how your sons are dealing with this other than what you tell us but I am sure they are hurting.
When my son lived at home with me, he DID NOT want me to utter his dads name. He wouldn't let me know how he felt about his dad leaving at all. I didn't ask though. I didn't want to say anything bad about his dad. Anyway, come to find out, when son would go to visit his dad, he would tell him stuff that was going on at home.apparently dad was asking. BUT when he was here he would not say anything about his visit with his dad. My son didn't want to hurt me with the details.
What I am trying to say is watch what u say or do around your children, because they do love you both and they DO get questioned a lot. They are put in the middle more than we realize. I didn't realize that my x asked about me or that my son told my x when I asked about him. My son was only trying to help and he was hurting. I was blind to all of it because I was such a mess. I put my child in the middle at times and I will regret that for the rest of my life.

It really affects our children. That's the worst part of this all!

Also Tad I know what you mean about never having been in this place before.
We lived in a 3 story house, in a nice subdivision and drove nice cars.
When I went shopping I didn't usually even look at prices.
I only worked part time to stay busy mostly. BUT all that changed overnight.
I lost my home. I had to draw food stamps and some other assistance. The part time job I had became my only source of income....but you know what I made it with the Grace of God!
I have heard that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom before we give God our attention. That's what I think happened to me.
I have said this before and I will say it again. Only God can give you the Peace you need. Draw closer to him and he will draw close to you!

Hugs,
Renee

[Lorie1964]

I seem to be struggling more today. Sometimes I think that she really wants out and other times I think that she really has lost her frickin' mind.

I just want this all to end.

Tad

Tad,

I know you love your W, but what can you really do if she wants out??? NOTHING for her!! What can you do if she has really lost her frickin mind??? NOTHING for her!! What can you do for you? Just let go of her and focus on and your children. Pray for your W, but also for yourself and children. Be the sane person, the better parent and put your children first.

I know you don't want to hear this, but it can take YEARS before your W makes it through MLC and even then it is not a guarantee. You say you want it to all be over, but really only you can do this by letting go and focus on a new you and lifestyle. I firmly believe that God is going to restore my marriage, and I am going to stand for it as long as I live. But, I am going to live as if H is never coming back. I will love him unconditionally from a distance and continue on with my life as he is not coming back. It is painful, but I promise YOU have the ability to make a shift in your thought process to do the same. It is really a freeing experience. I still hurt and cry, I let it happen and then pick myself up by focusing on my thought process and change it. Emotions happen, but where we let them take us, is totally in our control. CHANGE where your thoughts are going, it take practice, practice and more practice. It is self-discipline like you have never experienced before, but everyone can do it, and you can do this!!! Be good and kind to yourself.

Blessins!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Renee and Laurie. I too believe that God will restore my M and I plan to stand. I'm just low on patience. (I know...I'm going to need a lot.)

I've been wanting to talk to W about our R. Is there ever a good time to do this? Should I never bring it up?

S18 said to me last night that if I talk to her about it, it'll probably just drive her further away. He's right isn't he?

I'm convinced that she is nuts. I'm just going to have to wait it out.

I read recently that MLC for a man can take 5 years. For a woman it can take 2. Any truth to this?

Sorry for the questions.

Heading out to apply for work!

Tad

[job]

How long does a crisis last? It will take as long as it takes and/or ncessary for them to work through their issues. Do not try to put a time limit on it. Some can take a couple of years, some 5, some 10 or longer and then there are those who never come out of it.

Tad, that is why it is important that you live your life to the fullest and keep the focus on your children and you.

[AntoniaB]

I don't think bringing up the relationship ever does any good when they're in this place. They are doing everything they can to sever the relationship--I think the only exception to that is that they do seem to like to keep us as a friend if possible--that's called "cake-eating" and it is demoralizing and seems to never work in our favor. I think FAR, FAR down the road, sometimes people can rebuild the friendship (Goodattitudegirl is doing this last I checked) but that only began years after the initial breakup.

I just now found a letter I wrote to XH when I gave him a photo album in early December and I hate to say it, but now that I"m much more objective, I could see that I was pursuing him in a very indirect way even then, and that was 6 months post-bomb. Now I'm embarrassed for myself that I was still trying to get his attention when he was so far gone.

If she has any interest in trying to reconcile, you'll know it. If you have to bring up the relationship, you know that her interest just isn't there. It's sad but it's just the way it is.

Good luck with the job search. I think once you start getting some personal accomplishments without her in your life that will work wonders in terms of helping you detach.

[Lorie1964]

I've been wanting to talk to W about our R. Is there ever a good time to do this? Should I never bring it up?

S18 said to me last night that if I talk to her about it, it'll probably just drive her further away. He's right isn't he?

Don't have R talk with her, your son is right, you will still end up as the bad guy. That is what she is focused on. I know, I have done it, and it always comes down to what a bad wife I was!!! Stay far, far away from the R talk.

As far as patience goes, I believe that is something God is using in His favor, to teach me patience.

Blessigs!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Anytime you want to talk to your wife about your relationship. I want you to get a hammer and hit your thumb with it as hard as you can.

It will be less painful for you.