Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[OnMyWay]

So where is the happy medium? DR has taught me to avoid conflict and not get sucked in to my W's attempts at them. It has taught me to listen to my W. I do have my own ideas and opinions which I do present from time to time. When my W has an idea, I don't often disagree or try to trump it. I am working really hard to make my W feel heard and that her opinions are good ones. Now I feel like she is pushing back on it and thinks its fake.

That's a great question. Wish I had a straight forward answer. I think, though, if you reread your post, you have answered your own question. Socrates would be proud

It is great that your wife is feeling heard. I can imagine she is pushing back at this, because now that you are listening, it is invalidating one of her reasons for leaving. That is expected, so be prepared to ignore her jabs and keep moving forward. She will continue to test you on this, so watch out.

That said, there is nothing wrong with you disagreeing with her. If you are always agreeing, she may see you as weak. Disagreeing is ok as long as you can do so without fighting over who is more right. Something along the lines of "I see it this way, which is at odds with how you see it, however, that doesn't mean I don't hear you or regard your opinion incorrect. I just see if from a different perspective" type of thing. You still have to validate her, but you don't have to agree with her. Just don't let her use it as a tool to get at you. She may use the resulting issue to rejustify the validity of her affair.