What to do next

[JustStunned]

BeingMe, Thank you. I am doing what I can for mom. I am trying to shield her as much a possible from all this drama. Having my sister in town for Easter and mom’s birthday was a big help. I am a little worried about some of the declines I perceive.

Thirty three years ago my drill instructors encouraged the placement of 11 general orders into memory. Our kill hat explained they would guide us in life as well. I never thought I would be adapting them for use now.

I am adapting:

1. Take charge of this post and all government property in view.
2. Walk my post in a military manner, keeping always on the alert and observing everything that takes place within sight or hearing.
5. Quit my post only when properly relieved

I know how this makes me look to some. Frankly I don’t care. I matured in that organization. I have intense pride in my continued affiliation. It works for me.

W fell in love with the mean motor scooter she met 30 yrs ago. The attitude has mellowed, the step has slowed, but the flame still burns.

Journaling: W stopped at the house on Saturday with a list of things to accomplish. Principally she wanted to inventory the household goods and divide them. She arrived with one of her male cousins in tow. She explained he was there to insure her safety. I should not speculate, but I think he was present to raise the tension level. I think W is running another agenda. I am determined not to play this game on her field.

Sun Tzu should be proud.

Our dog and this cousin do not get along. The cousin is visibly afraid of our dog. The dog has aggressed at this cousin once. I told W she should not have brought her cousin. That she would be responsible for him. Her cousin never left the car. W and I proceeded into the house.

We conducted the inventory; I made copies and gave her a set. This is a division of assets. It is just stuff. I worked hard to keep emotions out of it. The hardest thing for me will be the pictures of the kids. W thinks we can just copy them. I reminded her they were professionally produced and are protected by copyright. Most office copy places will not risk making copies.

She was visibly shaken when we came to things the kids left with us for safe keeping. I explained these items must be moved before the house sells. She explained to me she doesn’t know where she will put some of the larger furniture or the washer and dryer. I decided telling her she needed to find a storage locker was not appropriate and kept silent on that point.

While I was making copies of the inventory list, she presented the remainder of things she wanted to accomplish. I looked it over and decided the only actionable item was the removal of her summer clothes and a few personal items. During this I told her again I would rather be doing other more constructive things. That I disagreed with her decision, but I am not opposing it. I watched the manic smile snap to her face, as she covered her mouth with her hand and turned away from me. She has heard me say this before, but this was the first time I saw a reaction.

A few minutes later we carried out and placed in her car the clothes and personal items she asked for. I made fours trips emptying the closet and her dresser. I even suggested she take a few extra hangers. If she didn’t hear the rope drop she is deaf as a post. She left after the last of her clothes were placed in the car and I shut the hatch. I walked into the house taking the dog with me. I did not look back to see them leave. W places significance on the romantic notion of looking back as it occurs in the romance movies she likes to watch.

Through all of this her cousin stayed put in the car. I could have kenneled the dog, but that would have placed undo stress on the dog. W should have suggested it, but she did not. The interaction was business like and I kept it non confrontational. I would have liked it to be friendlier, something to work on more I guess.

This happened on Saturday. I have had a couple of days to process the emotions of it. It was another cycle of grieving and I have some anger yet to release. It has not been as intense as it was four months ago. There was much more to the weekend, but this post is long enough.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: The half empty closet is a shock each time I look at it. I think I will expand into the space. I need to sort through clothes I no longer wear and should either donate or dispose of. I can use some of the empty space for that and then there is the camouflage stored in the basement. I now have space in the closet for it also.

I am feeling pretty numb now. This is recognizable. I am internalizing and suppressing emotions I should be expressing. I need to PT more and get more actively involved elsewhere (GAL) to slowly process the next cycle of emotions. I have grieved before. I am concerned about going from numb to depressed. It has happened before It is not in keeping with the finest traditions. So if in a few weeks or months I am peeing in my wheaties bemoaning my fate someone please copy and post this back to me. I know what I need to do to deal with this, just help me maintain motivation.

I looked the inventory list over. W was pretty stressed writing it out and some of the notes make little sense to me. Her handwriting is normally more legible to more people than mine is. The list needs to be written over or entered into a spreadsheet. For the L’s I have agreed to assign values to the items. I don’t know when I’ll get it done. Doubtless I need to contact W to clarify some of her notes. I am doing this and contacting realtors to have some control of and input to the process.

I don’t know if I posted this before or not. The last realtor thinks we are seriously underwater and recommends a short sale. I have just communicated this to my L.

This weekend and next week I will travel for business. My employer has been allowing me to stay put thus far, but this is travel I need to accomplish. The change of scene and focus will do me good. The dog gets boarded for the first few days then our daughter will watch him. I have not told W about this travel. There is a little concern she might back a truck up and begin loading it while I am gone. I have spoken with my L regarding this travel and he perceives no reason not to accomplish it. I am glad I did not have to explain to colleagues why I could not meet with them.

I should look to the bright side, after all W unloaded on Jan 1, stating she would file that week and it is now almost the middle of May and we are still composing the paperwork.

Goal 1, dial down the emotions. Accomplished
Goal 2, slow the process to D, Accomplished
Goal 3, find constructive ways to occupy myself, Accomplished but need more.
Goal 4, find an amicable way to part company. In process.
Goal 5, retain the family house and property, TBD
Goal 6, maintain contact and friendly relationship with extended family. In process

[BeingMe]

I like your goals, JustStunned. It's nice to follow a list, so that you can tick off whatever you accomplish. That way, you can see progress.

[JustStunned]

BeingMe, thank you for the feedback. I have been working on 1, 2, and 3 since January. To some extent they will never be accomplished to the point I can forget them. I have gotten them to the point of shelving them for short time periods to work on others. An important component of 1 and 2 is owning my part in this sitch and of course this points to parts of 3, 4, and 6.

I need to modify goal 1 to make interactions friendlier. I am not certain how. Each time I have attempted to W has pushed her agenda. It is as if she is following a program perceiving any friendly gesture as a softening, as a weak point to be exploited. She mentioned once she was reading Divorce for Dummies, maybe I should purchase a copy and review it.

When this happens I adopt a business like professional attitude. I try to maintain bearing and keep any negative emotional response bottled up. Not an easy task

As posted many times on this site we are running a marathon. Though W and I have been at this for 5 months I am only a mile or two into the run.

Journaling: I met with another realtor last night and I expect to have another competitive market analysis (CMA) in about a week. From what the realtor and I discussed I anticipate a detailed one. She asked me to forward pictures of the house to her for inclusion in her report.

The dog has developed an ear infection. I have kept his ears clean, but noticed some redness and irritation in his right ear. I started ear drops left over from the last infection and will call the vet to renew the script. I dislike handing this responsibility over to my daughter for the next week.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: I am in Denmark GMT +1. I am more than a few beers into the evening and probably shouldn’t be posting. I am over here for work. I am part of a development team for new product. I need to vent, I apologize in advance. Beers with dinner is more or less the norm and I could not decline without raising suspicion as to why.

W through a curve at me today. I don’t think she knows I am out of the country on business. This morning 02:00 local, 08:00 at home I have a missed call on my cell from W. She does not leave a VM. I decided not to return the call.

At 16:46 local, 10:46 at home another call from an unrecognized number. There was a VM left. After several futile attempts to pick op the VM I called the number back thinking it was a roofing contractor.

It was W office number. After speaking with the receptionist I was routed to W. She told me it was nothing. That she was buying a mobile home at a local trailer park and thought she would need me to cosign the loan, but the people selling it called her back and told her she didn’t need me to ssign anything. WTF??? Like I would cosign for anything at this point.

I wonder if the kids know.

Just more MLC craziness. I suppose there is a silver lining. If W move out of her enablers shadow and need to deal with life then the crash could come sooner rather than later.

I am walking this post until properly relieved.

BITS, If It thought I could do some good I’d contribute more. pretty low morale for the last few days. Son deploys sometime this week.

[Redo]

JS: You are in Denmark. Out of the craziness. Enjoy your time man!!
Leave it all back in the US. You can think about these when you get back.

Just more MLC craziness. I suppose there is a silver lining. If W move out of her enablers shadow and need to deal with life then the crash could come sooner rather than later.

I feel it helps when reality hits them.

Enjoy!

[JustStunned]

Journaling: There is very little new to report. This will ramble a bit, I am venting.

When I spoke with W last week her parting words to me were “Now there is nothing more I need you for” my reaction was “Ok, well goodbye then” and to hang up. She was also saying goodbye at the same time, in all of these conversations she is also trying to be the person ending the call. It is as if she is being coached.

Her comment was gutting and this is not the only time she has made statements like this. They seem intended to hurt, but I cannot afford to let them get to me.

On Mother’s day W visited my mother. She brought her a card, and a bag of snack chips mom likes. W proceeded to describe how grand her life is now and the mobile home she has purchased. She upset mom quite a lot. After W left mom threw the card away. Growing up during the depression mom could not through away the snack chips. She was still upset when I got home this weekend.

Our daughter was upset after she found out what W had done while visiting my mom, her grandmother. Our daughter called W and expressed her frustration with W and her childish behavior. Our daughter celebrated her 28th B-day this past weekend. She did not include W. I don’t know what she or her brother did for mothers day for W. They sent their grandmother a bouquet of flowers. I had given mom her gifts before leaving on Saturday.

I spoke with our son during the week. He was on a 72hr alert when he called. I hope he can drop me a card with his address. I have a package ready to send.

I spent most of yesterday moping around the house. It was dreary outside. I did manage to walk the dog through two pet stores and speak with one of his trainers for a short while at one store.

I have the report from the third realtor. We are underwater and another piece of wonderful news the lender are permitted to go after the difference in this state.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: I have had no contact with W since last Tuesday.

I went to the archery indoor range last night to socialize and dial in a new bow sight. The outdoor league requires additional sight pins and the cost to upgrade my old sight exceeded an inexpensive replacement. So a new 5 pin sight adores my bow. Outdoor leagues have not started yet as it has been too wet for dozens of shooters to tromp all over the range. We may start next week. It works out well for me as I was traveling for business last week and I am glad not to be a week behind everyone else.

Our son is in country. He and I exchanged a few IMs through Skype while he was on a Skype call with his wife. I told him to focus on the convo with his wife, and catch up with me later. I need an APO address for him. There is a box already standing by for mailing.

I have been invited to a B-day celebration tonight with part of W family. I’m going to it and a movie again with part of W’s family this weekend.

I think W was in the house while I was traveling. A few items on the refrigerator have been repositioned. There is a new refrigerator magnet. The calendar she purchased as a Christmas present for herself is missing. Strangeness.

It doesn’t bother me and nothing substantive appears to be missing. It is just strange. I spoke with our daughter about the new magnet, and she doesn’t know where it came from either. I am chalking it up to more MLC craziness.

[JustStunned]

Journaling: The B-day dinner went well. I was upbeat, contributed to the conversation at the table and managed to deliver a few laughs for the 7 family members that showed up. I carpooled with our daughter driving her car. During the 40 min drive we talked about many things and managed to stay away from the D drama. W did not attend the celebration.

Tonight is a family gathering for the May birthdays. The extended family has a spike of B-days in May. So we tend to hold a little group event each May. Tonight we are gathering to mob the new Pirates movie. A few of the Geo Cachers may also so up. W is not attending.

Yesterday I took a half day vacation to locate the remaining documents needed for the L and to take my Mom to a Dr Appointment. Mom received a good checkup and we’ll do another follow-up visit in August. Mom had some banking to do and a few other errands to accomplish afterwards.

While waiting at the Dr office Mom began to crack wise about W and this sitch. Mom has a wicked sense of humor and uses it to deflect and vent stress. I probably should have just gone there with her for her sake, but it very quickly became a slam W fest and I had to ask we discuss something else. I explained I am just not ready to talk about this sitch that way yet. Eventually I’ll be detached enough for gallows humor, but I’m not now.

Break out the 2X4s

W called last night and left a VM. I listened to the VM and decided to wait until today to respond. W called the house phone later from her Aunt’s phone. I should have ignore this also, but I did not.

W wanted to get together at our house to “work on what the lawyers said”. I asked her what that meant, what did the lawyers say?

W, you know during the meeting.

Me, we’ve done the inventory, and I have just about completed gathering the documents they need. What else is there?

W, we need to prepare the house for sale.

Me, We’ll determine what we’re doing with the house after the Ls look over the documents I’ve gathered.

W, we should get together on Sunday at 2:00 and work on the house.

Me, Are you using this as another opportunity to inject stress into my world? I was not very successful keeping my tone neutral here.

W, hung up.

I know I should have kept it more upbeat. I just didn’t have the well of energy to draw from this time.

Interacting with W during these visits has been difficult. She generally arrives like a tornado, spends her time pushing my buttons and leaves after creating chaos. I generally spend several days wondering why I care after these visits. I know detach, detach, detach. Difficult to do when she’s poking a sharp stick in your eye.

I have plans with friends this Sunday afternoon, and I just should have stated that from the beginning to gundeck W’s intent rather than get drawn into the drama. I should have remembered to control the pace and not let her dictate it or be drawn into it.

I am attempting to let her run as far away as she wants, and she keeps coming back to tell me what to do, how wonderful her life is and demanding responses. Yes there is a little anger still here, less than what was present at the beginning of this post, and I feel better just having written this.

[AJM80]

Hi - someone, I think Onmyway told me that his DB coach said that riling you up is an indication that she still cares and wants some emotion out of you to show that you still care.

When she tells you how wonderful her life is, how do you usually react? Maybe an "I'm glad, I may not always agree with your choices, but I want you to be happy" Takes a little wind out of her sails and reminds you that yes, you do want her to be happy.

I have to admit, I am mad at her for getting your mother all stressed out.