Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

Just keep this in mind, for the sake of your M, herself, and you, she needs to arrive at a point where she feels she is at 100%. In order to get there she will keep second guessing herself in order to make sure that she is making the right decision. Think about it this way, the biggest reason she hasn't left yet is because at some point she second guessed herself. (A marriage relapse?) During this moment of doubt she probably saw your DB efforts, and that increased her doubt towards getting the D.

Now she is trying to divorce herself from the idea of getting a divorce (does that make sense?) So she is going through the process all over again. Hopefully your DBing will serve as a rock for her to build on, and help her make the best decision.

Thanks for checking in, GB90. I completely agree with you here. My W seemed to have made up her mind on our M before the A even occurred. The A just confirmed her feelings that life outside our M could be better. It also brought to light that her needs might also have to be fulfilled by OW. So by the time I discovered the A, she was already one foot out the door, and I didn't even know it.

My DBing efforts frustrate her, since she is having to second guess herself again. Just when she needs the validation that her leaving was the right move, the opposite hits her. Shoot. I would be very confused if I was in her position right now.

I just need to keep it up. As I told OMW, time and patience is on my side.

Have you read the 5 love languages yet? In my sitch since I am at a relapse, I know that verbal affirmation will probably make things worse. Instead I am going for acts of kindness. She may not be ready for "conventional love" but she may be receptive to other acts of love and caring.

I picked up the book last week and have read the first chapter. I feel like this sitch has provided me a new library of self help and relationship books. I just wish I had the time to read them all. I am looking forward to it, though.

One last thing, relapses are tests. They are testing your will, your willingness to keep the changes going, and your willing to keep going. She may say some very hurtful things to see if you back down from your changes, to see if she can upset you, or depress you enough, to get you to give up on the changes, and by extension her. This will prove to her that she was right all along and that you NOT relationship material. She wants to bring the monster back, if only to prove to herself that the monster is still alive. It took her a long time to convince herself that you are monster, she is finding it hard to believe that you may not be that monster anymore.

The better things get, the more she will doubt herself, and you. Remember you are turning her world upside down! (When in reality we know that you are finally turning it right side up.) Stay strong brother.... Take every relapse as an opportunity to show her how wrong she is in thinking you are not the best thing that has happened to her.

So true. Gotta stay focused. Thanks for your words of encouragement!