Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

[sparks14]

One thing here that strikes me that I am just now learning from my sitch: don't let anything about your counseling, etc. force you. Make sure you aren't the bad guy here. Plus, you can talk all you want in counseling, but it will be your actions that matter, not your words - this coming from a prolific, self-proclaimed linquist. LOL.

Also, I'll now recommend you take your time at this. Counselors have a certain understood obligation to deliver results. However, I'm under the impression from your postings your WAW isn't ready to make those moves. Keep DBing, but hold your ground. She needs to set the pace here. You are doing a great job of validating, but be careful not to loose yourself in that. You have needs too, she's just unable to provide for them right now. Doesn't mean your needs are any less worthy.

OMW - I definitely want to stay patient and keep the course. There is no reason to rush anything when my W is not ready. There is no D looming. She has another 3-4 months on this apartment lease. I have nothing but time right now, which plays well for me and my actions.

I do find the validation piece interesting. I would love to hear your opinion. Validation is one of my big 180s, as my W never felt heard. By actively listening and validating her words, this is a big improvement on the way that I listen to her. However, she has mentioned in therapy that we don't fight anymore, since I rarely have a disagreement with what she says. She says that I validate her too often.

So where is the happy medium? DR has taught me to avoid conflict and not get sucked in to my W's attempts at them. It has taught me to listen to my W. I do have my own ideas and opinions which I do present from time to time. When my W has an idea, I don't often disagree or try to trump it. I am working really hard to make my W feel heard and that her opinions are good ones. Now I feel like she is pushing back on it and thinks its fake.