85 Days

[Denver_2010]

Journaling...

Have spent some time today processing my feelings pertaining to where my W is emotionally right now.

I was thinking about how much she once loved me. How she would have done ANYTHING for me... how loyal and committed to me she was... how vulnerable that she was to things that I said to her or things that I did that disrespected her.... how much she turned the direction of her life over to me and the direction of my life ... in a sense, how innocent that my W was.

For her to leave me, it must have taken a tremendous amount of strength, courage, and resolve.... to start over... by herself. To accept that I would no longer be there for her and/or SS.

Her ultimate decision, and action on that decision, really had nothing to do with me in the end. It was all about her... her loneliness, her unhappiness, her fear of living a life of 'going through the motions' and without passion ... without excitement... without feeling wanted and loved.

To come to this decision and act on it it must have taken her months of preparing herself emotionally ... the direction that she took, that she headed must have had to progressively accelerate ... like a train heading down the tracks without brakes...

When I came here, it was with the goal of reversing the course of a speeding train... running down the track in the wrong direction ... without brakes... the baby steps that I have accomplished have been merely slow that train down ...

To fully reverse the course of that train will take more work and resolve on my part... I cannot expect, and should never have expected, that I would be able to accomplish this in a mere 5 1/2 months.

The goal... the mission ... that which I have undertaken for myself... to stand for my M ... in order to become a better person and husband ... was NOT an easy one ... I have chosen NOT to take the easy road ... I have chosen to walk through the gates of hell ...

for me
for my W
for my M
for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...
which is to be happier, stronger ... healthier.

It will take more time and patience... more blood, sweat and tears.

but I'm not giving in.


Denver

[Denver_2010]

God bless you Denver. You are one hell of a man. I hope it goes the way you want it to. Im pulling for you 100%.

I see some of myself in your post of the ownership that I had in this and the courage it took for my wife. It would have been more honorable if she did it alone though without an OM. That taints the courage quite a bit.

But I understand where you are coming from about the time its going to take. Im not sure I can do it cause the pain is great and there is no more talk in that dircetion.

yours is a little more doable I think give where you are at and that she hasnt come back once before and still choose the OM.

All the best Denver.

9

Thanks 9. I sure that quite a few of us here can relate to this feeling. Thank you for your continued support.

BITS
Denver

[alamo76]

...it must have taken a tremendous amount of strength, courage, and resolve.... to start over... by herself. To accept that I would no longer be there for her and/or SS.

Thank for you such an inspiring journal entry today, Denver. Lately I've struggled to see my wife's intentions/decisions in a positive light, and the sentence above helped me see things clearer.

[alamo76]

BTW, what does '85 Days' mean?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

It's a countdown...

Though with this new insight of Denver's...might not be appropriate. ; )

[NEmoose43]

Denver, thank you so much for this post today. Absolutely inspiring.

[Truegritter]

Her ultimate decision, and action on that decision, really had nothing to do with me in the end. It was all about her... her loneliness, her unhappiness, her fear of living a life of 'going through the motions' and without passion ... without excitement... without feeling wanted and loved.

It is good to have this compassionate outlook Denver. Because to a certain degree it is true.

Some of that is also HER responsibility. If you err...it seems to be on the side of punishing yourself for too much of this.

Falling on your sword...

That is for YOU to process.

... and her stuff when and if she is ready.

[Denver_2010]

Her ultimate decision, and action on that decision, really had nothing to do with me in the end. It was all about her... her loneliness, her unhappiness, her fear of living a life of 'going through the motions' and without passion ... without excitement... without feeling wanted and loved.

It is good to have this compassionate outlook Denver. Because to a certain degree it is true.

Some of that is also HER responsibility. If you err...it seems to be on the side of punishing yourself for too much of this.

Falling on your sword...

That is for YOU to process.

... and her stuff when and if she is ready.

I probably do punish myself too much in all of this Gritter... lord knows I have punished myself a lot. But most of it IS true. I have a hard time finding what it is that she could have done better... other than to try something other than leaving me to fix things. But what that would have, or could have, been... I don't even know.

[Denver_2010]

Denver, thank you so much for this post today. Absolutely inspiring.

Moose & Alamo - I'm happy that you both were able to relate to my post in some way. I guess that this is just part of the processing... the healing.

BITS
Denver

[Denver_2010]

It's a countdown...

Though with this new insight of Denver's...might not be appropriate. ; )

It is a countdown... only to a goal for me to reach in which I have not spoken of R or OM, and have given my W the time and space that she feels that she needs. To a day when I need to reassess things from my own perspective ... to determine what I need to do at that time for my own happiness.

That may be to renew that 90 days... it may be to close the gates to my W ... or it may be to move on entirely. I do not know, and I do not plan on dwelling on this question until this time expires. That is the goal. A baby step.

BITS
DEnver