Have spent some time today processing my feelings pertaining to where my W is emotionally right now.
I was thinking about how much she once loved me. How she would have done ANYTHING for me... how loyal and committed to me she was... how vulnerable that she was to things that I said to her or things that I did that disrespected her.... how much she turned the direction of her life over to me and the direction of my life ... in a sense, how innocent that my W was.
For her to leave me, it must have taken a tremendous amount of strength, courage, and resolve.... to start over... by herself. To accept that I would no longer be there for her and/or SS.
Her ultimate decision, and action on that decision, really had nothing to do with me in the end. It was all about her... her loneliness, her unhappiness, her fear of living a life of 'going through the motions' and without passion ... without excitement... without feeling wanted and loved.
To come to this decision and act on it it must have taken her months of preparing herself emotionally ... the direction that she took, that she headed must have had to progressively accelerate ... like a train heading down the tracks without brakes...
When I came here, it was with the goal of reversing the course of a speeding train... running down the track in the wrong direction ... without brakes... the baby steps that I have accomplished have been merely slow that train down ...
To fully reverse the course of that train will take more work and resolve on my part... I cannot expect, and should never have expected, that I would be able to accomplish this in a mere 5 1/2 months.
The goal... the mission ... that which I have undertaken for myself... to stand for my M ... in order to become a better person and husband ... was NOT an easy one ... I have chosen NOT to take the easy road ... I have chosen to walk through the gates of hell ...
for me for my W for my M for that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow... which is to be happier, stronger ... healthier.
It will take more time and patience... more blood, sweat and tears.
but I'm not giving in.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
