Thanks for the vote of confidence, d3l1ghts. I’m feeling queasy today. I don’t really miss not talking to H, because he can be a real downer. I do keep worrying that the next time I hear from him it’s going to be some caustic, awful thing that I’m frankly not equipped to deal with right now. Probably the only worse thing would be if he does his “so-sad” voice. Being the one to WA is putting oneself under very intense pressure. Trust me, DBers, people do not skip away without a care to a land of spring flowers, butterflies and rainbows. It took a lot of pain and frustration to get me to WA, and even now that I’ve added being the bad guy to my list of burdens, I’d still rather deal with this crushing pressure in the short term than go back to the way things were. I don’t know if D will work out well for H. I really worry about him, but I hope he pulls it together and thrives. It occurred to me recently that even though I’m an independent person, I had thought H would be the kind of husband who would really look out for me. What I’ve found is that he doesn’t even see me. He thinks he considers me and he doesn’t listen to me. He says that all of his decisions and actions and “sacrifices” are for me, but he’s not hearing me when I tell him what I want and need and how I don’t approve of the sacrifices he’s making. He just blows me off and does something completely different. I think that’s the frustrating symptom of the larger problem. When H and I reconciled – using the term loosely – I knew he was unhappy with himself back then. He didn’t do anything to resolve that problem when we got back together. The only difference is that his misery had company. He seems resigned to being unhappy. He seems to think that the “right” life is lived in a state of self-deprivation. Perhaps I should have insisted on him getting help for his problems back then, before we got back together. Oh well, twenty-twenty hindsight.
