Tryin to do what works

[NEmoose43]

Party for MIL went well. Spent a lot of time talking with BIL and playing with nieces. W and I sat together for most of the evening as she was not feeling well. She was actually being very physical, holding hands, laying her head on my shoulder, that sort of thing. I have a feeling that may have been more of a show for her relatives, but she did mention that her mom knows what's going on...may have been from a selective telling of the story, but who knows.

Has an interesting convo with MIL though. She mentioned that she got a little upset with the way her other daughter spoke to her husband. She has a tendency to boss him around quite a bit and he just takes it. I mentioned that I had noticed it as well. We were sitting alone at the dining room table, and I said "If I've learned anything over the last two months, it's that communication is such a huge part of keeping both people happy in a M. It's not just what you say, it's how you say it." MIL looked over at me and said, "And you have to follow through." Lady, I'm trying like h!ll to follow through, just hope your daughter's going to let me!

All in all, I held it together really well. Playing with nieces was a blast, but I got a little choked up at one point thinking about possibly not having any little ones of my own with W.

W walked me to the car when I was leaving, and we talked a little about her being sick. Having a lot of stomach issues all of a sudden for some reason. Told her I had a lot of fun with the nieces and she said she really enjoyed watching me with them. She moved in and gave me a really long, honest hug. Not one of the arm hugs I've been getting lately. One minor oops, said "Miss ya sweetie" as I was walking to the car. I said it very upbeat and light, but W just said "I know".

And that was that. Brutal to come home to an empty house after a good time like that, especially when W was very physical and acting like herself the whole night. Thank god for the dogs, they're always happy to see me no matter how bad of a mood I'm in.

So now I'm not sure what to do this week. My instinct says go for the loving detachment idea that I failed so miserably at a few weeks back. It feels like she's trying, so as long as I continue to let her contact me and not pursue, I feel like I might be on the right track. But I know that Sandi and 25 are recommending I go as dark as I can and show her what she stands to lose. My only question with that though...do I say anything to her before then? Not an ultimatum, or even a boundary, but more of a statement of what I'm going to do?

Any thoughts?

[♪CS♪]

My only question with that though...do I say anything to her before then? Not an ultimatum, or even a boundary, but more of a statement of what I'm going to do?

Absolutely not. Actions not words. Simply give her the space she is asking for while you use the time to work on you.

If W initiates contact be polite and friendly. DR says to accept some invitations but not all.

I wouldn't even call what you are doing 'going dark.'. Your W has asked for time and you should lovingly give it to her.

All the best.

[♪CS♪]

After mentioning the DR book about invitations for time together, it got me thinking, I have not read it for a while. So I went back through it and read the LRT section and the infidelity section. I suggest you do the same. It is a great reminder of the basic set of tools we should be using.

Just one note here too. 'Going Dark' which is talked about a lot here is basically the 'After the LRT.' Remember that this really should be reserved for when everything else has not worked. The general LRT I believe, is what many of us should still be using.

Like I said, re-read the book if you haven't done so for some time, it really does help.

[NEmoose43]

Country, I actually reread a good chunk of DR last night before bed...which made me feel even worse, but it needed to be done. I do agree that where I'm at is not completely "dark". In fact, after reading LRT section and looking at where I feel I am right now, totally dark does NOT seem like a good idea. Like I said, loving detachment seems to be my best course right now. Especially after this morning.

Had a text from W when I woke up asking if I could drop off mail and more insurance paperwork at some point today. She had switched medical insurance from our company plan to a much cheaper plan offered by her school, and unfortunately the bureaucracy is making it incredibly difficult to get her claims taken care of. Anyway, I told her the only time would be before work and she said that was fine since she had a large break between clients around that time.

Swung by her office and dropped papers off, and she asked if we could talk for a minute and walked me out to my car again. Here's what I remember of the convo:

W- I wanted to apologize for being in a bad mood last night, I just really wasn't feeling well at all.

M- No worries, I had a lot of fun. And I want to apologize for saying I missed you when we were saying goodbye, I know it makes you uncomfortable, but it's hard to hold it in sometimes.

W- Weren't the kids adorable? And it's ok, I know...sometimes I miss you too.

M- Oh only sometimes, thanks a lot (made a joke out of this, we both laughed)
M- Seriously though W, I know how you feel about me, you don't have to tell me. And I know you don't say it because you don't want to get my hopes up or make me think that everything's ok.

W- You're right Moose. I thought that getting out of school would make things easier, but now that I don't have the schoolwork as a distraction, it's really made me think about everything, and it's making me sad.

M- Thinking the same stuff as before.

W- Yeah.

M- So it's coming back to not knowing what makes you happy?

W- Exactly.

[I don't know if everyone is going to agree with what I did next, but it felt right, and I kept this next part validating without preaching to her]

M- Can I tell you what I think about that? What I see, that is...

W- Sure

M- [going to paraphrase a bit here, I went off for a bit] W, I think you DO know what makes you happy. For one, it's being back in school again because it's doing something that challenges you, and that's something you crave. And it also makes you feel stronger. But it's also because it's something that you know I can't do...and that's helping you get back that sense of who you are as an individual.
And then it's also your family, your friends, and the little things in life. Like sitting in the backyard with the dogs on a nice day. Going for walks down at the shore. Just driving around and trying to have adventures...that kind of thing.

W- I'm glad you understand that Moose.

M- Me too W. And I feel like you don't want to come home because you think I'm just going to try and suppress that happiness by acting the way I used to.

W- You're right. And it's so hard because I see you changing and I see you really trying. And I want so badly to believe in you again but I don't want to get hurt again.

M- Like I said before, I can't promise that it's always going to be perfect W, but I can promise to do my best from here on out. And I'm not going to give up.

W- I know Moose, and I DID want to give up...[trailed off]

M- And now you're not sure.

W- Yes.

M- W, it's okay. I know that, for you, there are positives and negatives to choosing either way. But I know you know that I'd love to have you home so we can both put in the work we need to to get through this.

W- I know sweetie, I just don't want to yet. I'm not quite ready and I'm afraid I'd be miserable.

And that was it. Gave me a hug goodbye and I headed to work. I was really surprised by her willingness to even bring up the conversation in the first place, and I think it was a good one.
Got a text from her a few minutes after I left:

W- Moose, I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset you.

M- It's ok W, thanks for listening, and I'm not upset. I really appreciate you telling me how you're feeling.
M- And so, you just need more time and for me to be patient, right?

W- Exactly.

M - Well that I can do...I know I said it before W, but I'm in a very different place now.

W- I know you are Moose, that yoga class really did something for you didn't it?

M- Sure did...so, one day at a time then?

W- Yes please And I got a doctor appointment at 1, I'll call you after and let you know what they figure out.

And that's where I'm at right now. I'm going to pull back. I'm going to let her control interactions and contact me first. I'm going to keep up with my GAL'ing and 180s. I feel very strongly that I'm back on the right track, and it's amazing what actually doing what I know I should have long ago has accomplished.

I'm really trying to adjust my thinking to the fact that this is going to be a longer road than I originally planned or wanted. And 25 is right, that is a hard hard lesson to learn. I'm going to keep praying for patience and strength.

[LearningPatience]

I think you dodged a bullet on telling her what she thinks, but thankfully you were right and she was receptive to that.

The road is much longer than you ever expect, but it looks like you're on the right path, congrats!

[♪CS♪]

I think you dodged a bullet on telling her what she thinks

I agree, be careful reading her mind Moose. Listen more, speak less is a good rule of thumb right now.

[jbnati]

I agree with LP & Country. It was good to show her you are listening, but trying to read her mind can be a slippery slope. I'm not going to fault you though, because I have recently had a very similar conversation with my W.

We are all walking the tightrope here.

I would agree with you that you are not a place where you need to be completely dark, you just need to keep a loving distance.

[NEmoose43]

I agree guys...I'm much more attuned to her reactions now, and this convo had a really different feeling than those we've had in the past. Again, I think it may because of her being done with school and at her mom's since she's got a lot of time to think. I felt her opening up about more stuff again and it just seemed like the right time. And I tried to phrase it as my observations this time, again not preachy.

She texted me again as I started this post from the doctor's office. Random small talk about the band we were supposed to go see a few weeks ago and their new album. And then this:

W- Are you upset?

M- About what, this morning? Not at all.
M- Why, have you been thinking about what we said?

W- Yeah...I think you are right with most of it. And I'm sorry I need more time.

M- Seriously, please don't feel bad, I completely understand.
M- So wait, there was stuff I was wrong about?

W- Maybe I'll call you when I'm done here.

M- OK, good luck.

The fact that she's acknowledging more, teasing me more, that sort of thing...well, I'm taking it as a good sign. I'm fighting expectations as always, and I'm NOT getting my hopes up. But this is a better series of days than we've had in a long time.

[islander]

Be very careful man. You have a lot of expectations, especially with that about there being more to talk about later. You hope it is something good, and so do I, but you don't have any idea.

Like the others have mentioned. Listen more, speak LESS. You seem to be doing ok, but you are on that tightrope. Remember, bf you hoped that once school got out you would be working on your M. Now she has back tracked from that. Just don't push her away. Be patient.

[NEmoose43]

I hear ya Islander.

She called after the doctor visit...turns out she has a kidney stone. Apparently it's past the most painful part though, and she got some nice painkillers as a bonus.

And the joking little text message was actually just teasing me. She said I was dead on with all of it, but there was obviously more stuff to her being happy about herself. I said I knew what she meant, and I do.

It really comes down to self-esteem and self-image with her. Not just body-image stuff, although that's a part of it, but about what makes her feel like a strong person. About what makes her feel like she has a sense of who she IS as a person. I know that a lot of WAWs say things like this, but I know that this is something that really bothers her and she's discussed at length with her IC.

Feelin pretty good right now. I know there's going to be a downturn, but after the last few days and the unbelievably inspiring post that Denver put up a few minutes ago, I'm feeling pretty good.