Tryin to do what works

[NEmoose43]

Country, I actually reread a good chunk of DR last night before bed...which made me feel even worse, but it needed to be done. I do agree that where I'm at is not completely "dark". In fact, after reading LRT section and looking at where I feel I am right now, totally dark does NOT seem like a good idea. Like I said, loving detachment seems to be my best course right now. Especially after this morning.

Had a text from W when I woke up asking if I could drop off mail and more insurance paperwork at some point today. She had switched medical insurance from our company plan to a much cheaper plan offered by her school, and unfortunately the bureaucracy is making it incredibly difficult to get her claims taken care of. Anyway, I told her the only time would be before work and she said that was fine since she had a large break between clients around that time.

Swung by her office and dropped papers off, and she asked if we could talk for a minute and walked me out to my car again. Here's what I remember of the convo:

W- I wanted to apologize for being in a bad mood last night, I just really wasn't feeling well at all.

M- No worries, I had a lot of fun. And I want to apologize for saying I missed you when we were saying goodbye, I know it makes you uncomfortable, but it's hard to hold it in sometimes.

W- Weren't the kids adorable? And it's ok, I know...sometimes I miss you too.

M- Oh only sometimes, thanks a lot (made a joke out of this, we both laughed)
M- Seriously though W, I know how you feel about me, you don't have to tell me. And I know you don't say it because you don't want to get my hopes up or make me think that everything's ok.

W- You're right Moose. I thought that getting out of school would make things easier, but now that I don't have the schoolwork as a distraction, it's really made me think about everything, and it's making me sad.

M- Thinking the same stuff as before.

W- Yeah.

M- So it's coming back to not knowing what makes you happy?

W- Exactly.

[I don't know if everyone is going to agree with what I did next, but it felt right, and I kept this next part validating without preaching to her]

M- Can I tell you what I think about that? What I see, that is...

W- Sure

M- [going to paraphrase a bit here, I went off for a bit] W, I think you DO know what makes you happy. For one, it's being back in school again because it's doing something that challenges you, and that's something you crave. And it also makes you feel stronger. But it's also because it's something that you know I can't do...and that's helping you get back that sense of who you are as an individual.
And then it's also your family, your friends, and the little things in life. Like sitting in the backyard with the dogs on a nice day. Going for walks down at the shore. Just driving around and trying to have adventures...that kind of thing.

W- I'm glad you understand that Moose.

M- Me too W. And I feel like you don't want to come home because you think I'm just going to try and suppress that happiness by acting the way I used to.

W- You're right. And it's so hard because I see you changing and I see you really trying. And I want so badly to believe in you again but I don't want to get hurt again.

M- Like I said before, I can't promise that it's always going to be perfect W, but I can promise to do my best from here on out. And I'm not going to give up.

W- I know Moose, and I DID want to give up...[trailed off]

M- And now you're not sure.

W- Yes.

M- W, it's okay. I know that, for you, there are positives and negatives to choosing either way. But I know you know that I'd love to have you home so we can both put in the work we need to to get through this.

W- I know sweetie, I just don't want to yet. I'm not quite ready and I'm afraid I'd be miserable.

And that was it. Gave me a hug goodbye and I headed to work. I was really surprised by her willingness to even bring up the conversation in the first place, and I think it was a good one.
Got a text from her a few minutes after I left:

W- Moose, I'm sorry, I didn't want to upset you.

M- It's ok W, thanks for listening, and I'm not upset. I really appreciate you telling me how you're feeling.
M- And so, you just need more time and for me to be patient, right?

W- Exactly.

M - Well that I can do...I know I said it before W, but I'm in a very different place now.

W- I know you are Moose, that yoga class really did something for you didn't it?

M- Sure did...so, one day at a time then?

W- Yes please And I got a doctor appointment at 1, I'll call you after and let you know what they figure out.

And that's where I'm at right now. I'm going to pull back. I'm going to let her control interactions and contact me first. I'm going to keep up with my GAL'ing and 180s. I feel very strongly that I'm back on the right track, and it's amazing what actually doing what I know I should have long ago has accomplished.

I'm really trying to adjust my thinking to the fact that this is going to be a longer road than I originally planned or wanted. And 25 is right, that is a hard hard lesson to learn. I'm going to keep praying for patience and strength.