Sorry to break it to you, but “pouting” is just as bad, maybe even worse, than forbidding your W to do something. My H says “I would never stop you from seeing your friends,” “I want you to go and have a good time,” etc. Then he acts sullen about me leaving. I try to encourage him to do something fun for himself while I’m out, but he would rather default to spending the time by himself working on something around the house – and being sullen.
This is manipulative behavior, and it sends the kind of mixed signals that really mess with someone’s head. With my H, what inevitably happens is I spend some portion of the time out with my friends feeling bad that I’ve left my H alone (like I’m responsible for that somehow???) and then end up leaving early to get back to him. When I get home from these outings he’s often snarky, which really makes me regret having gone out. It really kills the fun and eventually I found myself avoiding outings with my friends. I don’t think my H is even aware that he does this, hence the speeches about how he would never keep me from my friends, but I’m a pretty bright person and I do know how to recognize a pattern of behavior. I would rather that if he doesn’t like being alone or he doesn’t like my friends or he wants my attention for himself that he would just say that up front. It’s not that it would necessarily change my desire to be with my friends, but at least he or maybe we could deal with the problem head on. The passive aggressive stuff is really annoying.
It seems that your W is engaging in some pretty confusing behavior, and that you both have some conflicting expectations. Remember there are several things going on that can contribute to the confusion. You and your wife may have conflicting expectations about how one is supposed to act during a separation. Your wife may not even be considering what reaction her actions are going to create, hence her surprise. Your wife may well be waffling on the status of the R herself and may be changing her expectations according to her feelings in the moment. There may even be other things contributing to the confusion that I can’t even begin to fathom. Suffice it to say your W is probably very conflicted and in a lot of pain, and she’s likely to be all over the place.
The important thing is to focus on anchoring yourself and create consistency for yourself. That means making a plan for yourself, perhaps setting some goals for DBing and/or ground rules for your own conduct. You can’t react to everything she does, because she may run hot and cold for a while. It will make you crazy trying to keep up with her state of mind.
Another thing to keep in mind is that if you’re DBing with a WAS, you are in for a long haul. Even if she suddenly has an epiphany and comes running back to you, don’t count on it lasting. More than likely it took a lot of build up and a lot of time to create a situation that pushed her to this point of breaking up her M. It will take a lot of work and a lot of time to win her back.
