Wife of 6-years is Divorcing Me ...Need Counsel II

[spellfire]

Good attitude. If she chooses not to go it is her loss.

If she does go, keep the mood light and fun. Don't smother her. Show her how in control of yourself you are. No R talk, getting moody or upset, pressuring etc.

[alamo76]

UPDATE 5/8

My wife gave no response (not even a courtesy "No") to the Mother's Day meal idea. Going through this weekend without, well, mom around definitely was awkward and sad, especially when I took our son to the store, restaurant or at church.

1. On Saturday evening, we were the only father-son diners there. Our son said things like, "They eating together...with their mommies and daddies. Where's mommy?" It breaks my heart that my son sees those kinds of family units/activities as exceptions now, rather than a rule. He knows the routine, i.e. now I'm going to mommy's house; now I'm going to daddy's house, etc.
2. Sunday at church they handed out flowers to all the mom's there. And our son asked, "Where's mommy's flower?" Besides watching some of the men going up to talk about their wives/moms, everyone left really quickly for their own lunch plans, and my boy and I were the second last people left in the parking lot. It felt really lonely without my wife there.
3. More of a bittersweet moment: At the grocery store on Saturday, we were waiting in the checkout line, and our son pointed to a picture of Prince William and Kate kissing on their wedding day (People's Magazine). He asked what's that, and I told him that that's a prince and princess, they got married and are kissing because they're happy and love each other. Awhile later back at home, our son spots a framed photo that I had arranged in the bookcase. It is a photo of my wife and I kissing on our wedding day. He says, "Look, mommy is a princess. Mommy and daddy are happy!" I smiled from ear to ear at him, but when he went back to playing, I looked away and cried.

After my wife had picked our son up back to her place yesterday, I called my sister and mom to chat. In the middle of the call with my mom, my wife called once which I ignored, then a second time a minute later. When she does that I know it's probably urgent, so I told my mom I had to see what my wife wanted. I called back:

M: Hello?
W: Just like you to not answer your phone.
M: Hello? Can you say that again?
W: You don't pick up your phone, just like you typically do.
M: I was talking to other people on the phone.

Then she explained that our son had not stopped crying since he got home because he had left his firetruck at my place and I had forgotten to hand it to him when I was strapping him into his car seat. So I said I'll come drop it off, which I did. When I handed it to him, I just said, "Sorry, daddy didn't hand the firetruck to you."

Anyway, from that phone conversation above, one can deduce that my wife is very obviously still resentful and angry of me.

[Redo]

Alamo, take it easy. It is just one of the many 'mother's day' you will experience. Look forward to the ones in the future where things will be different. Yup, to some extend all our spouses do carry lots of resentment. You just have to forgive them. My wife blew up on me on friday and said a lot of mean things. Hurt a lot. But i decided to let it go and forget. If not it will just eat you up inside. On the plus side, you got to spend time with your son this weekend

[alamo76]

Alamo, take it easy. It is just one of the many 'mother's day' you will experience. Look forward to the ones in the future where things will be different. Yup, to some extend all our spouses do carry lots of resentment. You just have to forgive them. My wife blew up on me on friday and said a lot of mean things. Hurt a lot. But i decided to let it go and forget. If not it will just eat you up inside. On the plus side, you got to spend time with your son this weekend

Hey man, hope you're doing better and staying positive (been trying to keep up with your thread). I did have an awesome time with our son as always. Mother's Day made me sad more so because, what "researchers/scientists" say about children's resiliency, our son was deeply affected by everything that has been going on around him, more than we can imagine, from the expressions on his face, his words, his demeanor, etc. When you see your child having to cope with such things, it makes me truly upset at why adults can't act like adults and work together for the sake of our children, or better yet (in our cases), see the importance of practicing grace, love, holding and keeping a family unit together.

[alamo76]

I keep getting encouraged by my porn addiction site to write a letter to my wife. Whether or not she reads/takes it to heart, the idea is to lay it out there, be honest, open, sincere, acknowledge and apologize for hurting her. Couple of things stump me, though:

1. I always wrote a letter/card to my wife when I messed up to apologize, so I'm quite certain writing a letter has lost its meaning to her.
2. Yet on the other hand, my wife is the type of person who desires people to acknowledge their mistakes, take responsibility for them, and provide her a sincere apology. She had major issues with her parents (which resulted in her cutting them off from her life) during our marriage and what she told me constantly was all she wanted was a sincere apology from her mom and dad. That's it.

So what now? I worry that if I give her a letter now, it might drive her away or just remind her of the same old Alamo. Conversely, I want to lay it bare to her, because I owe her at least that much to acknowledge her feelings and actions.

[LearningPatience]

I understand your conundrum, alamo. I'm feeling the same way. After I started DBing, whenever I'd backslide and hurt my W I'd write out an apology letter. I believe she appreciated this, I had seen that she'd saved some of them. I've also wanted to write a grand apology letter for all the things, small and large, that I know led up to the M crumbling. Still torn whether I should do that or not, and if so, when? Guess if someone answers you I can take that advice also.

[alamo76]

At the beginning of our separation, I wrote her an apology letter. Less of a list of ways I wronged her, and more of an acknowledgement letter of her feelings. She threw away a lot of my other things from the past -- cards, gifts (I handled the trash/recycling, so I know), but I think she kept this letter, but I'm not certain.

[LITB]

Alamo, I'm curious if you have any sessions left with your DB coach? This would be a great question to ask and get help with.

[alamo76]

Good point LITB, I have one left.

[spellfire]

M: Hello?
W: Just like you to not answer your phone.
M: Hello? Can you say that again?
W: You don't pick up your phone, just like you typically do.
M: I was talking to other people on the phone.

Uggggg so rude and disrespectful. I think I would tell her I don't appreciate being spoken to in such a disrespectful manner.