bolt tightening

[Bolt]

The days are very tough indeed and they still waver between good and bad. It's true that now I'm grieving the marriage. I'm also mad that this happened. Mad that I couldn't do something to keep it together. Mad that she couldn't or wouldn't try to make it work.

I am realizing now that she's been done for some time. It does hurt me in the fact that she's moved on with someone else.

A short story about what happened this weekend. My oldest is living with me and my W was to have them both this weekend. She works 12 hour shifts and wasn't home friday or saturday so I didn't take the D over until sat afternoon. D doesn't want to even be with her mom. She doesn't feel safe at the house - there's always strangers over including the OM. I wanted to do the right thing and have D with her mom on Mother's day. I looked into her eyes and saw sheer fear. I could see her saying, Daddy please don't abandon me. I can't have someone else abandon me.

My heart broke and I had to do the right thing and save my D. I didn't let her stay the night or stay for Mother's day. It did kill me because I do want her to have a good relationship with her mother - but it's broken right now. It may get fixed in time, but it's broken.

One of the reasons my D didn't want to stay there was because she wanted to spend time with ONLY her sister and her mom. She didn't trust her mom to not bring OM over.

Well, the next MORNING, my D was right because the OM was there cooking breakfast. She talked to my W and told her she can't trust her anymore...

You know what that little MLCer did? Told her 11 year old to grow up - and that she wasn't going to talk to her when she was being irrational...

So once again, I had to pick up the pieces with my D. She told me she doesn't care if she ever sees her mom again and that isn't sure that she even loves her anymore...

(exhale)
I just wish all of this could be over...so does my D. She said yesterday, "Daddy, can't we just start over? Just me and you?"

Guys...this is killing me...