I was not expecting to feel this despondent about the situation going into week 7, especially after I thought I had been doing pretty well up until now. W seems to be very happy about everything. There has been no talk of anything serious, but her pleasant demeanor is putting me down, and it feels like she has the upper hand.
I had planned to have Easter dinner out with my D and S and told this to W a few days ago. That seemed to bother her, so I backslid and suggested the 4 of us have dinner together at our house. That blew up in my face. D and S are annoyed that I caved in to her, and W is annoyed that she will have to put some effort into this. Should have stayed with plan A.
Temporarily reactivated my FB account at the request of a friend to look at his page. I saw W had "liked" a page called "It's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen ,but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want." Didn't take a genius to figure out what that was referring to.
Just received DB; hopefully it will give me the steps I need to crawl up out of the muck.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Question for those who are more financially savvy than I...I'm wondering about the LBS who chose to move out, and left the WAS in the home. Did the WAS assume the mortgage/rent payments?
Our situation is this: both of our names are on the title/deed, but the actual mortgage note is in my name only, which means if I move out, I am still responsible for the monthly payments (assuming W will refuse to take them on). Can anyone see a workaround for this?
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
W is becoming more attached to the OM. Since he is 1500 miles away it's still an EA, but all of the signs are there. It's now a combination of texts, Skype and Facebook chat. The deeper she goes into the relationship the further away she goes from me. The hardest part of this for me is the total rejection. One day we seemed to be the happiest couple, the next day we were strangers. It's hard staying on the 180 course, but I have resisted most of the urges to reach out to her.
I will be out of town this weekend so I am sure she will have a fun time online. She has also discovered some new Facebook game and spends hours playing it at night while she chats with the OM. Meanwhile I'm taking care of her son with his special needs. I'm also still getting him to his day program in the morning so she can get to her job on time.
Am I truly pathetic?
Must stay the course, must stay the course....
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Apologies if any of this is in my previous post; it has not yet been posted here and I'm not sure of everything I wrote. Bear with me.
Heading into week 8...the past several days have been difficult. W appears to have no intention of giving up the long-distance EA, and I know I cannot force her to. So I feel like the chump; she continues her behavior while I take my lumps. I will be out of town this weekend and already I am dreading the freedom she will have to ramp up her feelings for the OM while I am away. My feelings for her swing between wanting to save our M at any cost, and whether I want to be with her at all after the hell she is putting me through.
It is awkward being in the house together. I try very hard to not let my feelings show, but I have always tended to wear my heart on my sleeve and frequently my sadness and sullen mood show through. Then I try to counter that with superficial small talk and it all seems so stilted. I am getting zero from her; no indication at all as to whether she wants to stay, go, reconcile, separate...nothing. She comes home from work, makes herself dinner and retreats to her home office where she stays until she goes to bed. Now she's addicted to some Facebook game "Gardens of Time." For about the last 7 years she has been addicted to computer games. At first I commented on how much time was spent playing them, but that just led to arguments so I gave up.
In hindsight, that was a sure sign something was wrong in our marriage but I let it go in favor of peace in the house.
How do I continue to live in the same house with my EA-ing W and not lose it completely? When I first started doing 180s and trying to GAL it seemed like it would be easy. But after a few weeks I have found myself slipping into the role of pleaser; I still take her son to his day program every other morning, cutting into my work hours, so she does not have to cut into her work hours. I clean the house, do laundry, try to have dinner ready for her when she works late, rub her shoulders when she is stressed (which she seems to enjoy but does not respond in kind) and bring her coffee in the morning.
This morning, however, I strongly feel like I should draw the line in the sand and tell her "no more."
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
My weekend trip came and went. It should have been an enjoyable break from everything but I was a wreck imagining what W and OM were doing online, despite my best efforts to not think about it. It felt like the further away I was, the less I could control the situation. I realize I can't control her or anything she does, but it was my own demons tormenting me.
When I got home Sunday evening W was on the couch watching TV. She looked thoroughly beat up-not physically, but emotionally. I could tell something was not right. We said hello to each other, she asked how my weekend was, I asked how her weekend was and that was it until about 10:00, when I asked her if we could talk. I told her that our situation was no longer bearable for me, we both were obviously unhappy and that something needed to change. Told her I was a wreck the entire weekend thinking about her relationship with the OM, and I could not tolerate that anymore.
Her reply was unexpected. She told me the OM was gone – out of the picture. She deleted him from her phone, Skype and Facebook and was not going to talk to him anymore. I asked her what brought this on; she replied that her decision to stay or leave could not be based on her relationship with him. I told her I appreciated that and I hoped we could move on.
But then she lit into me about how I had invaded her privacy during all of this and that she would never love me or trust me the way a W should love and trust her H. I said there is no “privacy” when it comes to a spouse compromising a marriage, but she wouldn’t hear it. Her anger increased and the accusations came out again about everything I had done wrong recently and in the past. I admit I took the bait and started to fire back, but when I saw it was going to get worse I backed off. "180, 180..." I kept reminding myself.
So I asked the question: “Are you staying or going? Because I will not be in another loveless marriage.” Answer: “I don’t know.” I asked if she would consider counseling, either together or separately. Answer: “No.”
She was a combination of anger, sadness, exhaustion and confusion, and I could see we were getting nowhere, so I ended the conversation and she went to bed.
So…according to her, the OM is out, the EA is over. We’ll see. But also according to her, nothing has changed between us. During our conversation at times she seemed like a little girl and other times like a very angry, vindictive woman.
And the next morning we were civil, almost pleasant to each other.
But this morning (Tuesday) as I write this I am asking myself if this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. If she is truthful about what she said regarding not ever loving me or trusting me, why would I want a marriage filled with that? A loveless, trust-less, sexless marriage? No thanks.
Going dark and letting her think about our situation without any outside noise from me would be the best plan for my own sanity, I think. But that will be difficult while we are under the same roof. I have moved into my son's bedroom and use the other bathroom so we avoid each other there. I have also decided to tell her she will have to get her son to and from his day program; that I can no longer be the babysitter / chauffeur.
I thanked God for His help in bringing about the end of the EA, and again asked for His help in remaining strong but gentle, firm but kind, compassionate and clear-headed.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I guess we've entered the "Be cordial and pleasant to each other, but nothing more" stage. W is acting like her old self: upbeat, telling me about her day, even laughing with me.
But that's it. No sign of anything that might remotely indicate any change in her heart. I look at her and talk with her just like old times, but inside I'm being wrenched apart because I want so much to hold her, kiss her, tell her we can start all over and leave all the garbage behind us.
But we're so very sorry...that just isn't going to happen.
Her heart is still ice cold towards me. I finished moving the rest of my clothes and personal things into my son's old bedroom last night and she was completely unfazed by it. Probably pretty happy she's got more storage space now.
This is not what I signed on for.
I now see that doing 180s requires complete attention and deliberate concentration, at least for now. It has made me realize how much I let myself get irritated at the slightest thing, which was one of the reasons I was given for the D-day bomb. I'm learning to control my words, expressions and actions no matter where I am or who I am talking to. I am taking on more responsibilities around the house-cooking more, cleaning more, completing long half-finished projects...at first I was doing it with the "Look at me! See how I've changed?" mentality. Now I am doing it because it needs to be done.
But I still can't get past the anxiety that results from the fact that she may never return my love; that she may still decide to D; and that until we either R or D I am stuck in a loveless,emotionless, sexless marriage.
And I'm only closing in on week 9.
I know that this will take a long time, and we are supposed to remember that time is our ally. I am grateful she is still in the house and does not appear to be in any rush to leave. But it feels like she is playing a power game with me-she knows I love her and want her to stay, so she remains as aloof as possible yet still occasionally dangles the carrot in front of me.
And it's when I see that behavior that I want to tell her to just pack up, get out and let me get on with my life. Probably not the best idea, though...
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Telemark, it sounds like you've gotten a positive step with her ending the EA with the OM. I think you still some reassurance that it IS over. Eventually, you will need to know why this happened so you can deal with it. Right now, you need to give it some time. This time and space may be necessary for the rest of her to come around. Keep working on yourself.
Thanks, jbnati. I know I need to give her the time and space she needs, and I told her weeks ago when all of this came to a boil that I would do just that; no pressure, no deadlines, no ultimatums. I think that helped in stopping her from running out the door, but that also became a double-edged sword. I'm glad she is still in the house, but it is difficult to maintain the "hands-off" boundaries after so many years of being "hands-on." There have been many times recently that I thought it would be easier if she were not around.
Yesterday was a backslider. I left a Mothers' Day card for her on the kitchen counter before I left for church. When I returned home she barely spoke to me other than a short "thank you" for the card. I know, I should expect nothing from her so I am not constantly disappointed, but my emotional side was overtaking my DB side. It took great willpower to not ask "What's wrong?" but I did not ask. Unfortunately my mood started to spiral downward and I'm sure she noticed that, so I left the house to go on a long ride.
When I returned there was no communication at all. I made a light dinner for us, not to gain any "points" but because it was Mothers' Day after all, and I thought it was a considerate thing to do. We ate in silence, spent the rest of the evening in separate rooms and went to bed (separately) w/o saying "goodnight".
These incidents may seem trivial and not so important to others, but to me they are like little daggers that continue to slice away at what is left of our life together. I read somewhere on another post that it is like an alien has taken over my wife's body, mind and soul. She is a complete stranger to me.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
