Went home today to see the kids and had a nice afternoon on the beach along with the dog. W not there when I arrived, already gone out. God knows where or with whom. Spent the evening with BF & GF + couple + kids and had a nice Italian meal. On the way home W texted to say that she will not be coming home tonight - again. I didn't respond
I think she is trying to avoid me at the moment. Whenever we meet she inevitably brings up R talk and will end up crying. I don't know if she still has feelings for me, whether she feels guilty for all the pain i'm in or whether she just doesn't give a damn.
Life is *&$�*!
FF999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
W came back this morning & our converation was a little frayed to begin with. SHe asked if I was angry with her, I apologised and said that it was because I din't sleep wll and was tired. She said the same.
We did talk a little but she seemed not to want to. She busied herself baking and did not pay me much attention.
I was taking D13 to a local festival so had to leave at midday. W said she would be gone by the time we returned so we said our goodbyes as I left. We hugged and kissed. I said that I missed her ( 4x2 ) and she said she missed me, closely followed by 'but i'm not in love with you anymore'. I said that I still loved her ( 4x2 ) and asked whether she still loved me ( 4x2 ) just as D13 entered the room. She did say that she still loved me but without a great deal of conviction.
D13 & me went to the festival and it was horrible. Too many people, too noisy, strange atmosphere and neither of us wanted to stay so we came back after an hour or so.
Had a long chat with D13 and it transpires that W has been so wrapped up in her new life that D13 is feeling left out and neglected. W no longer does mum things with her and leaves her to her own devices for long periods. D13 has always been a little withdrawn from the family - both me & W at fault on that score - but for her to feel like this worried me. I texted W and told her we needed to talk about this. She sounded annoyed but phoned me later. She would not come back to discuss it. I am sure she was outside OM's house as she was talking to me - she was giggling occasionally at something or someone. She does not want me to wait for her to come back this evening so in effect does not want to see me. She wants to talk later in the week on the phone.
I was not accusational and repeatedly told her that I was not blaming her for any of this but that she needed to re-assess her priorities in regard to D13 & S17. I admitted that this began well before our M breadown & took as much responsibility as her in this respect
Also D13 said OM has been to our house. She mentioned his name, which I knew. This really hurt. She referred to him as mums friend although I think that she may suspect. Kids ain't stupid. I said nothing on that score.
Overall feeling incredibly low and deflated. Just want this to be over. Hate coming home to see W because of the effect it has on me but I need to be here even more now beacuse of the children.
Life s*cks FF99
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
Can the children go to you instead you going to them? What would you do if W was M again? You wouldn't be able to stay at her house.
You know you shouldn't be telling her ILY or asking her if she still loves you. That's one reason she's so quick to enforce that she plans to never R with you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am gonna stop with the ILY's she's heard it often enough now and I know it probably does more harm than good.
We had a brief chat last night, face-to-face. She had taken my car keys by mistake and I couldn't leave 'til she came home.
We talked about the sitch with D13 & also S17 and she was very defensive about the whole thing. She reckons that niether of them are at all interested in being a family or sharing family time with her, that they don't appreciate what she does for them and she feels that they are as much to blame for this as her.
I empathised but said that WE are their parents. WE have a responsibilty to them like it or not and that I was as much too blame for this sitch as her - in some respects, probably more so.
W then came out with something that made me bite my tongue. She complained that she felt that she had no time for herself. WTF!! This is someone who seems be out socialising constantly. She recently went to Tenerife for a week with a friend, goes to the gym, pole dancing lessons, zumba classes, goes out walking, meals out with friends, and has just taken up golf & tennis, and of course still has time to see OM. What more does she want to do???
And her solution to this conundrum was - wait for it - for me to give up my shoebox room near to work ( 75miles away ) and to move back home to look after the kids. This would give me an average working day of btwn 14-15hrs. While she then moves out to give her a break..... Yeah Right!!!!
I promised to consider this but having done that kind of cr*p for years and the effect that it had on me/us & our marriage it is just NOT an option.
Sorry had to vent that. BTW I will be making arrangements for D13 to stay with me on weekends either in my shoebox or off on trips somewhere. This should help alleviate some of the pressure
FF999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
Is she saying that she wants a break from being a mother???
Pretty much yes. I can sort of see her point. She has always been there for the kids. She was the perfect mum in the early days when she wasn't working. She would take them everywhere and they had a great life. When the youngest started school W went back to work part-time. Then as the years passed she went full time. Juggling the two duties did put a strain on her. I have always worked long hours and was never really much help with the children ( another nail in Foo's coffin ) so now she sees it as my turn.
FF999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
I promised to consider this but having done that kind of cr*p for years and the effect that it had on me/us & our marriage it is just NOT an option.
Then you tell her it's not an option! It's not taking the pressure off her.....it's enabling her to have an A.
This stuff she says about her kids is something every mother in the world could say, but they don't take a vaccation from being a parent! To try and make the kids look as guilty as she is...just shows how selfish a WAS can become.
I know it probably doesn't make sense for you to tell her this, but I suggest you deal with her from a different angle. Make her think that you time for you to have a life of your own (and you do), instead of looking like the dedicated father who never does anything but work and be with his D. Even though those are worthy qualities, it won't win her back as much as if she thinks you are finding your own happiness without her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
[quote=sandi2 Then you tell her it's not an option! It's not taking the pressure off her.....it's enabling her to have an A.
I know it probably doesn't make sense for you to tell her this, but I suggest you deal with her from a different angle. Make her think that you time for you to have a life of your own (and you do), instead of looking like the dedicated father who never does anything but work and be with his D. Even though those are worthy qualities, it won't win her back as much as if she thinks you are finding your own happiness without her. [/quote]
sandi,
I agree. I'm as as much a 'victim' of our M breakdown as her, more so even. I am the one that had to leave the family home. I am the one who is daily suffering the emotional effects of this situation. I did not choose to be where I am now. I am not having a cozy PA
I need time to heal, learn, grow and find happiness as much as she needs time to do whatever. I am not a doormat!!
ps. I have signed up to a dating site but I'm already having regrets. I think it is too soon for me. The only person showing any interest so far is I believe either a) attracted by my salary ( not massive but OK ) or b) getting hold of a UK passport by way of marriage. Jeez, the cr*p you have to go through just to GAL
FF999
Me 48 W 49 D19, S17, D14 Together 25yr, Married 22yr Me checked-out July 10, back Sept 10 W checked out Nov 10 Separated Dec 10 ILYBNILWY 2nd Apr 11 We're finished + D bomb 17th Apr 11
