wife having affair - please help

[25yearsmlc]

Dear FD,

First, I'm so sorry you are here, although this is the place to come for support. Good for you.

But I'm not clear on what your goals were in doing all that. You seem to NOT want a divorce, but then you moved towards it.

Did you want to punish your w? I can very much understand that feeling, but just so you know, punishing them never ever makes them want you more. As my DB coach said once, "don't worry about 'showing your spouse the consequences' of his actions, or 'teaching them a lesson'. That's not your job as a spouse. LIFE does that for them..."

IT's not as if your only options are putting your foot on the pedal and plowing to divorce AND in punitive way, VERSUS....being a doormat. There are a lot of other approaches. I am wondering why you are moving so fast towards divorce.

Did I read that correctly, that she has filed NOTHING but you have? Did she say she wanted a divorce? Why did you move out?

I do understand protecting yourself financially. WE all get that. I filed for a sep so my h wouldn't mortgage the house b/c his "heroes" were assuring him he'd make millions in their investments...and he was not thinking straight so I protected our assets...

But I also get the feeling that this is moving awfully fast simply b/c you cannot stand the idea of another approach. So you left the family home (would love to know why), and you separated the finances, & you filed (?) legal action, and you outed the OM at his job...there's not a lot more for you to do, if ending the m is what your goal is...

As I read your earlier posts about feeling "hopeless" after 8 weeks, I shook my head. FD, That amount of time is NOTHING in terms of time lines around here. My h was out of our house (minus some visits) for 2 (TWO) years...then we pieced together for about a year more, before I felt that we were really in a restored marriage. Look at my signature block.

So it was a touch and go a few years AND for at least a year, I'd have given us a 10% chance of marital success. But I hung in there. Had a great mc, a great DB coach and...well, the Big Man upstairs heard my gazillion prayers.

Pride is a funny thing. I asked my DB coach AND my mc, how to sort healthy boundaries from pride? IOW, how do I know if I'm being healthy and enforcing something, versus just being angry b/c my ego is bruised or my pride is hurt.

It's not easy but sometimes, when you are really honest in prayer, you can tell. IF you are coming from a place of anger or darkness inside, chances are your goal or choice is not a loving one. And it's not going to help the cause. Remember first and foremost, you are here tolearn to do what works, and to stop doing what doesn't work. Don't forget that. Anytime you want to say or do something, FIRST ask if it'll get you closer to your goal...the big goal, of reconciliation. not the frequent immediate goals of "getting her to think" or "making her life stink"....b/c those are simply angry thoughts.

Plus you have children who are watching what a man of honor and strength does in the face of a serious blow to his ego. Marriages have survived affairs before. Yours would not be the first.

Your w has had to justify her actions probably by vilifying you in her mind and heart. She's mentally listing your faults and so, you must counter those negative images with positives that undermine her "data" about you. If she says you are an angry tense man, you have to show her the new cool easy going FD... Nothing fazes you...that's a 180 my friend, and you must do them. Not just as a tactic to get her back, but b/c whatever your flaws are, we all need to work on them AND it's nice to confuse a WAS when they start to wonder if maybe their choice isn't as obvious anymore...
She once loved you, right? So get out of your own way, and know that good memories, loving ones, reminders, will resurface if you are not fueling her negatives... Spend some time figuring out her complaints and negative images so you know what to change and contrast with.

May I suggest you listen to sandi, and get some male thoughts. I think some of the men here, like faithfulh (or faithfulhusband", I'm not sure if the screen name was all spelled out), or jack3beans will give great advice. They had some issues like yours, and they are still in their marriages. There are men on this board like them, and some who used to be, that helped save my m. These days you can even have DB moderators step in and advise at times, which we didn't have 5 years ago...(to my knowledge)

Have you called a DB coach? They can be very very helpful and specific. And worth it!

Take a deep breath.

Now, You have not said anything about issues in your m that existed before OM. Most women's A's don't occur in a vacuum. I mean, most women feel emotionally justified in having an affair b/c of things they believe are missing in their marriage. I am NOT MAKING THIS YOUR FAULT-- but I simply point out that if you are going to get your wife back, she is going to have to believe that whatever SHE thought was wrong in the marriage, is NOT going to still be there in your future marriage together.
So what would your wife say about your marriage or you, that would explain her actions?
And why should she go back to you, if things are going to be as bad as before? What would she say was missing or "off" in the marriage?

The truth is that if you can think of things YOU can do better, that is good GOOD news. Why? B/C then you have some control here! IOW, If you were a perfect h and all was well and good in your marriage, and STILL your w had an A, then THAT Would be hopeless b/c there'd be nothing new or different for you to try. This is why, whenever we'd see a mc, I WANTED a mc to tell me I'm screwy or wrong about something b/c then I can help to improve things...Do you get how this makes sense?

Also, if your w believes there's no way you'd ever forgive her, then she won't see any point in coming home. She'll be forced to be "right" in the affair.

If she believes you'll hold the affair over her head forever, or that you'll throw it in her face every time you two fight, she won't come back.

So, if you know OR IF YOU SHOW that you cannot or will not ever forgive, or own whatever part of this is yours, then it is over...

Did you carefully read Div Remedy and the sections on infidelity? There's also a book called "After the Affair" that is quite good.

Last,[i] I'm not a fan of exposure, usually. In your situation, I had mixed feelings b/c of the wife of the OM, but to out him at work hurts his family, and possibly your w's career, and[b] I cannot see how it helps YOUR position.
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Never confuse how well you are doing in life, with how poorly your WAS is doing. Don't assume her misery = your happiness, and don't spend your life's energy trying to bring misery into hers....it's wrong, and it backfires, and it keeps your energy focussed on her life and negatives, instead of YOU and creating a new, contented and happy life for YOU and YOUR children...

I never saw forgiveness modelled for me growing up. My parents fought, my father got loud, then louder and possibly violent, and then they retreated...no apologies until he lay on his death bed, filled with regret.

So I did not know how to forgive, even when I wanted to do it. It's a learned skill, and it's a process that takes time. But it is essential, in my opinion, to ANY long term marriage. And it's not about whether she "Deserves" forgiveness. She doesn't even have to know about it. It's for you, so that your life is not consumed by the anger and pain you now feel.

At one point in our sitch, I recall feeling as if a loop was going around in my brain and I couldn't get off of it. Anger, pain, betrayal and humiliation and despair and jealous feelings and then START ALL OVER AGAIN...crazy stuff...

I realized I was going to be consumed by a bitter feeling that was growing in my heart and for the first time in my whole life, I asked God to show me how to forgive and let go of this terrible pain...in time, it happened. And I did have to own some things I had done in our m, that I was not proud of.

Back to the DB world....What 180's have you done? What GAL activities are you starting? Please do that work from the books and see what happens. I Guarantee you that you will be happier than you are now. Hang in there, It does get better.

Good luck