wife having affair - please help

[facingdivorce]

Journaling here, So better day to day went and saw my ic, he thinks im handling things well, though he thinks my wife is lying at the extreme end of the spectrum..

Anyway i rang OM's other office and left a message with the receptionist to tell him to leave my wife and children alone, she was gasping as i quietly said my three sentences ( i had carefully written it out before) So now i also have the evp of hr contact details so will call them tomorrow. I think then that is enough exposure to him.

I also changed my mobile number today, the other one was in my wifes name so she got the phone logs.

I also met the bank started sorting out money and accounts, which will all be closed by Thursday.My waw is going to go nuts , but she has spent a huge amount of money in the last 5- 6 weeks.

I cant see her reacting well to all of this, ive gone dark, her om has been outed at their work, bank has been notified and funds halved, plus joint bank account closed. And she wont be able to sms me.

So i am working through what to say if she does contact me, i am on the Act dont React policy, so every contact has to be strucured. She will view this as me punishing her, which isnt the case, but no matter what i do, I am going to be positioned as the bad guy.

I feel better for taking action, but i dont want to act in a malicous manner at all, so im kind of giving the affair its own seperate identity.

Ok will now see what happens over the next week. We have lift off!

[25yearsmlc]

Dear FD,

First, I'm so sorry you are here, although this is the place to come for support. Good for you.

But I'm not clear on what your goals were in doing all that. You seem to NOT want a divorce, but then you moved towards it.

Did you want to punish your w? I can very much understand that feeling, but just so you know, punishing them never ever makes them want you more. As my DB coach said once, "don't worry about 'showing your spouse the consequences' of his actions, or 'teaching them a lesson'. That's not your job as a spouse. LIFE does that for them..."

IT's not as if your only options are putting your foot on the pedal and plowing to divorce AND in punitive way, VERSUS....being a doormat. There are a lot of other approaches. I am wondering why you are moving so fast towards divorce.

Did I read that correctly, that she has filed NOTHING but you have? Did she say she wanted a divorce? Why did you move out?

I do understand protecting yourself financially. WE all get that. I filed for a sep so my h wouldn't mortgage the house b/c his "heroes" were assuring him he'd make millions in their investments...and he was not thinking straight so I protected our assets...

But I also get the feeling that this is moving awfully fast simply b/c you cannot stand the idea of another approach. So you left the family home (would love to know why), and you separated the finances, & you filed (?) legal action, and you outed the OM at his job...there's not a lot more for you to do, if ending the m is what your goal is...

As I read your earlier posts about feeling "hopeless" after 8 weeks, I shook my head. FD, That amount of time is NOTHING in terms of time lines around here. My h was out of our house (minus some visits) for 2 (TWO) years...then we pieced together for about a year more, before I felt that we were really in a restored marriage. Look at my signature block.

So it was a touch and go a few years AND for at least a year, I'd have given us a 10% chance of marital success. But I hung in there. Had a great mc, a great DB coach and...well, the Big Man upstairs heard my gazillion prayers.

Pride is a funny thing. I asked my DB coach AND my mc, how to sort healthy boundaries from pride? IOW, how do I know if I'm being healthy and enforcing something, versus just being angry b/c my ego is bruised or my pride is hurt.

It's not easy but sometimes, when you are really honest in prayer, you can tell. IF you are coming from a place of anger or darkness inside, chances are your goal or choice is not a loving one. And it's not going to help the cause. Remember first and foremost, you are here tolearn to do what works, and to stop doing what doesn't work. Don't forget that. Anytime you want to say or do something, FIRST ask if it'll get you closer to your goal...the big goal, of reconciliation. not the frequent immediate goals of "getting her to think" or "making her life stink"....b/c those are simply angry thoughts.

Plus you have children who are watching what a man of honor and strength does in the face of a serious blow to his ego. Marriages have survived affairs before. Yours would not be the first.

Your w has had to justify her actions probably by vilifying you in her mind and heart. She's mentally listing your faults and so, you must counter those negative images with positives that undermine her "data" about you. If she says you are an angry tense man, you have to show her the new cool easy going FD... Nothing fazes you...that's a 180 my friend, and you must do them. Not just as a tactic to get her back, but b/c whatever your flaws are, we all need to work on them AND it's nice to confuse a WAS when they start to wonder if maybe their choice isn't as obvious anymore...
She once loved you, right? So get out of your own way, and know that good memories, loving ones, reminders, will resurface if you are not fueling her negatives... Spend some time figuring out her complaints and negative images so you know what to change and contrast with.

May I suggest you listen to sandi, and get some male thoughts. I think some of the men here, like faithfulh (or faithfulhusband", I'm not sure if the screen name was all spelled out), or jack3beans will give great advice. They had some issues like yours, and they are still in their marriages. There are men on this board like them, and some who used to be, that helped save my m. These days you can even have DB moderators step in and advise at times, which we didn't have 5 years ago...(to my knowledge)

Have you called a DB coach? They can be very very helpful and specific. And worth it!

Take a deep breath.

Now, You have not said anything about issues in your m that existed before OM. Most women's A's don't occur in a vacuum. I mean, most women feel emotionally justified in having an affair b/c of things they believe are missing in their marriage. I am NOT MAKING THIS YOUR FAULT-- but I simply point out that if you are going to get your wife back, she is going to have to believe that whatever SHE thought was wrong in the marriage, is NOT going to still be there in your future marriage together.
So what would your wife say about your marriage or you, that would explain her actions?
And why should she go back to you, if things are going to be as bad as before? What would she say was missing or "off" in the marriage?

The truth is that if you can think of things YOU can do better, that is good GOOD news. Why? B/C then you have some control here! IOW, If you were a perfect h and all was well and good in your marriage, and STILL your w had an A, then THAT Would be hopeless b/c there'd be nothing new or different for you to try. This is why, whenever we'd see a mc, I WANTED a mc to tell me I'm screwy or wrong about something b/c then I can help to improve things...Do you get how this makes sense?

Also, if your w believes there's no way you'd ever forgive her, then she won't see any point in coming home. She'll be forced to be "right" in the affair.

If she believes you'll hold the affair over her head forever, or that you'll throw it in her face every time you two fight, she won't come back.

So, if you know OR IF YOU SHOW that you cannot or will not ever forgive, or own whatever part of this is yours, then it is over...

Did you carefully read Div Remedy and the sections on infidelity? There's also a book called "After the Affair" that is quite good.

Last,[i] I'm not a fan of exposure, usually. In your situation, I had mixed feelings b/c of the wife of the OM, but to out him at work hurts his family, and possibly your w's career, and[b] I cannot see how it helps YOUR position.
[/i]
[/b]

Never confuse how well you are doing in life, with how poorly your WAS is doing. Don't assume her misery = your happiness, and don't spend your life's energy trying to bring misery into hers....it's wrong, and it backfires, and it keeps your energy focussed on her life and negatives, instead of YOU and creating a new, contented and happy life for YOU and YOUR children...

I never saw forgiveness modelled for me growing up. My parents fought, my father got loud, then louder and possibly violent, and then they retreated...no apologies until he lay on his death bed, filled with regret.

So I did not know how to forgive, even when I wanted to do it. It's a learned skill, and it's a process that takes time. But it is essential, in my opinion, to ANY long term marriage. And it's not about whether she "Deserves" forgiveness. She doesn't even have to know about it. It's for you, so that your life is not consumed by the anger and pain you now feel.

At one point in our sitch, I recall feeling as if a loop was going around in my brain and I couldn't get off of it. Anger, pain, betrayal and humiliation and despair and jealous feelings and then START ALL OVER AGAIN...crazy stuff...

I realized I was going to be consumed by a bitter feeling that was growing in my heart and for the first time in my whole life, I asked God to show me how to forgive and let go of this terrible pain...in time, it happened. And I did have to own some things I had done in our m, that I was not proud of.

Back to the DB world....What 180's have you done? What GAL activities are you starting? Please do that work from the books and see what happens. I Guarantee you that you will be happier than you are now. Hang in there, It does get better.

Good luck

[25yearsmlc]

PS

granted, others may disagree...but I think the more people who know of the A, and that info coming from you, makes it harder to reconcile [i]for a variety of reasons. [/i] It's one thing to confront HER, or not to cover for her, but it's another thing to tell 3rd parties...(his receptionist??)

Plus, since the claims came from you, it's hard not to see it as malicious. I am not sure it was, but I am sure that's how it will be seen by most people. Maybe that doesn't matter. But does it help your cause? What is your cause/goal now?

Be very clear about what that is...

[facingdivorce]

Hi 25

It is a very humbling experience to have someone you dont know give such heartfelt and valuable advice and I wanted to thankyou for making so much effort. What you have said has really hit home for me and given me a wakeup.

Seperation
I moved out as at the time the coldness from my wife, was just too much and she kept wanting space. Now at the time I hadnt found db and I didnt know about the om. so would I do that now, no but there is no way I can move back in as om drops in overnight when he is in town.

Finances
This has been worrying me. My wife started spending extravagantly from the getgo, First month I went ok retail therapy is good for her, second month now I am going this has got to be curtailed as it is out of control. So I am having my accountants go through all liabilities, mortgages etc to see where we are, thats all. I was going to split the joint bank account and stop the joint credit cards, just to put a halt on the drain. My wife has other bank accounts,credit cards and a substantial exec salary. The problem is how do you communicate this and not look vindictive.... finances can be very emotional

Pride / ego
I definately took this piece to heart as I am guilty of that. And when I look back on some of my actions, they do seem motivated intrinsically by ego and pride.

I need to rethink my strategy here in light of this. The bit you said about does it bring me closer to my goal of reconcilliation is something I have lost sight of, so I will redo my goals.

I dont pursue, in fact last week I asked her to stop contacting me. The problem with that, is that I now feel I have painted myself into a corner. I thought if she started to see the reality of her situation, not the foggy fun of the affair, it may get her to think about things more. But I take your point about not teacking them lessons.

The thing is, I am definately controlling. The things that make you successful in business, dont neccessarily make you successful in your relationships. At right now,I have to say, I just dont know how to build that bridge of communication back to her. We are in no contact. I am not supporting her in her travel requests. I did that because she often says it is a business trip and instead goes on a holiday with om.

I can forgive her, I think no matter how smart and experienced she is, we all get a bit crazy in the head, despondent at where we are at and do some stupid self centred things. So I can look at this and go yes I can see where you came from. The thing is she will think I will be harshly judgemental and make her pay for it. And frankly some of the things I am doing will look like that...

So now 25 I need to rework my goals, and my approach to her. Im GALing , but need to get better at that. the 180 of backing off I dont know if it working as I dont see her. I now realise the timeframe is going to be a long one. Its funny how 8 weeks feels like 8 months in this type of sitch. whereas most times we complain at how fast out year disappears.

I have to thankyou for making me rethink things and I will come back here and post my new plan up. Thankyou for being such a considerate person, it is deeply valued

[facingdivorce]

Re the OM exposing him
He is a ceo and much of his ego is attached to his job. He has only had the job since August 2010, but it is very well paying, lots of benefits and stock options. Most guys like that are arrogant and self entitled, nature of the beast. So I hear people talk about the affair fog and that addiction to be cured you need to seperate pleasure from the process.

Thing was this guy comes to my home, we have a nice beach house, drinks my wine, sits in my chair overlooking the pool, looks at my wife and kids and dog and nice cars and goes, Arent I the clever boy, I didnt have to pay for any of this and I get to have her as well.

So the option of exposing the affair for him, was to hit him where it hurts - at his work. There are substantial grounds for termination ( stds of business conduct breach, travel / expense claim issues, and using company time and resources to conduct the affair and communications breaches, such as email, sms) He knows that. So what I want to him to think is , is this affair that I am having is it worth my big fat job that stokes my big fat ego? I dont want it to be easy or fun for him anymore. I want them both to start questioning it.

Why am I doing that, I think ( I could be wrong ) it will help burn the affair fog away. It not just about retaurants, business travel , hotels etc There a downside to all of this.

So I have tried to effectively split the affair away from my wife. As in I dont hate you, but I hate the affair and I will defend my family. The notion being it is not a personal attack on my wife, but defending my family.

However after taking into the sage advice of 25,I am not going to progress this further with the exposing ( I want him to squeal, but that is purely for revenge - so I will just think it and not do it - sigh ) Also guys like that will throw my wife under the bus at work in order to protect their jobs, they tend not to be very compassionate but rather mercinary.

[facingdivorce]

Major Goal - reconcilliation of marriage and start again, the time frame would be 12 - 24 months realistically

Step goals

1. We speak on the phone about the kids once a week for 20 minutes with no r talk or tension. 3 months

2. We can have coffee together at a neutral location for an hour with no r talk. 5 months

3 wife proactively calls me and interacts spontaneously - 6 months

4 we have neutral family lunch / dinner with kids at restaurant
- 8 months

5. Wife stops any d activity ( lawyers, accountants etc )
- 8 months.

6. She recognises some positive things about me and our marriage together and tells me so - 12 months

7 She stops the affair - now, ok asap then

We discuss going to MC together - 12 months

The thing is I imposed no contact with her last week. It was after the trip where she and the om took my children on a holiday and she had said it was a work trip...I feel I was justified in doing that as it was a major breach of my boundaries and honesty involving our children and it was blantantly in my face. I think she would have lost all respect for me if I hadnt done something.I dont think she has much respect for me now to be honest.

When I emailed her about it, I said she would always be part of the family and we would always support her, but her activities didnt co exist with my boundaries , so i had to stop communication and get on with my new life/ I closed with saying we care about her and her wellbeing. It was written as if from a concerned friend but with a ramification.

[25yearsmlc]

FD.

Some of your goals are wonderful, They are "big picture", over all goals. But aside from the talks without tension or R talk, you are making it about HER changing, HER doing this or that...

What are you working on, in you? What 180s, what inner issues, are you working on to become a better man, better h, and a better father? YOU are the only part of this situation that YOU control...why not put your energy there?

As a mother. I can say that no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children, with their father. It's a turn on. Be the best father you can be now, b/c your children need you more now than ever, and b/c it's right, and b/c your w will notice it someday, regardless of whether she tells you so...but mainly b/c it's right. I CANNOT OVER EMPHASIZE THIS. Your children are watching you and needing you more than you realize.

As for the "outing" of OM... two thoughts come to my mind. First, I very much doubt your goal of shaming him and making him think twice, will be achieved. More likely OM will be angry at you, and not ashamed of himself. He feels justified! As for others, and peer pressure, sorry but you'd be surprised how little it matters to most people that someone at work has had an affair.

They first look at the job performance, and if his numbers are good, many boards look the other way. AND OR they assume the couple in question has tried in their first m's and that there were problems or the Affair wouldn't have happened...of course it's a rationalization, but that's what people do. (You are doing it too, when you defend your choices about outing and "teaching her a lesson" about how hard money and financial issues will be when you are gone. Sounds as if she earned a good salary too, maybe she felt deprived and controlled, but you haven't really said)

I'm sorry but to most of the "aware" co=workers, you'll come off looking like a guy with anger/control issues and they'll think you deserved her leaving. They may look at OM differently, more likely if either party suffers it will be your w, b/c traditionally women get blamed more for these affairs. For the most part, people don't rush to join the side of the LBSer, at least not publicly or at work.

People may even resent you burdening them with your marital problem at their work place, like putting that poor receptionist in the horrible position of hearing that info from you, about the man she works for and must serve. (You want her to lose her job, or just hate it? My guess is it did not cross your mind what effect it would have on the woman answering...Your anger was your priority. Am I wrong??? Use this as a learning trigger...)

I came to the conclusion that if my h had beaten me with a crowbar, my mil would have told him, (her golden boy son) not to do it in front of the kids, or "maybe you should work on that."

It's not that my h ever did that, but that his mother was incapable of criticizing him for anything. Never would she make waves like that and a lot of people are like her. We had friends say to my face "we don't want to take sides" and I would wonder, "what IS HIS side? Leaving his family for a JOB, up north? WTH??"

(My h had an obsession with living in Alaska, again, at any costs to us, our jobs, our finances and our happiness. It was weird. Irrational. Inexplicable and yet, there were folks who said NOTHING to him about it. They would not dream of saying a word to him.

Then there were SOME who did try to argue with him to show him the light but he simply could not be reached. He had to go up there and figure it out for himself. Like a puzzle someone has to do themself before they go on to the next stage, you want to hover over their shoulder to tell them where the piece goes, but you cannot do that. Only they can figure it out and when you hover, it's as if they have to start all over again.

If your no contact decision, (or any other behavioral choice you make) turns out to be a mistake, don't compound it by continuing it. IOW, if you decide that no contact isn't a good idea, don't stick with it just to....to....what? Be "right"? Do what works and stop doing what does not work.

Make a list of goals about your own personal work and couple it with your other list and I think you'll have a good start on your new "program".

I'm a better w and mother, b/c of the experience my h and I had. He saw a forgiving nature in me that neither of us knew I had. It had never been tested before. But I like to think I've left my children a legacy of committment and forgiveness and renewal, so that when their marriages falter and stumble, as they probably will at some point, they'll know that couples CAN get past this...

the more time you spend thinking about OM or what he's doing to your w and how great they have it and how hard you have it....the slower you will heal and the longer it will take for you to make the changes you need to make.

Remember, your w had reasons for being with OM.Right or wrong, She felt justified. So if m to you tomorrow is going to be the same as it was before, you won't reconcile. Why would she?

You have to show her you are a changed man. (HER WORK on her, comes later, if you reconcile.) As for boundaries, are you in a position to be setting boundaries or rules for her at this point...? Really?

True, when you do interact you don't have to accept rudeness, but the affair itself, to her, was not rude or disrespectul. It was about what she was missing in the m. While you may think she was "crazy" to do this, I can assure you that she does not think so and it would NOT help you to say that...Do you have any idea what things were bothering her before the A? How much were you two apart? What did you do for Mother's Day?

Please stop worrying and obsessing about OM, whether he is on your furniture or being with your w, or staring at the ocean view you bought, etc. You don't know what is in his mind/life/heart or family. It is counter productive and again, keeps you focussing on things you have no control over. Get the stop sign out...put it in your mind when you think of OM....Don't speculate so much b/c it takes the focus off of your own work.
Plus the OM has faults that your w has not yet discovered AND which you do not have. You won't lose in each and every comparison unless you play the angry jerk, which you won't do of course, now that you have DB on board...right? As for money issues, sounds as if OM has money of his own so I'm not sure what your specific concern is there.


When you question and challenge her choices, you force her to defend them. You unite them. I'm not sure the no contact thing was a good idea (ask a DB coach-well worth the money) b/c you have been at this for so little time. You have not given DBing or any approach long enough.

If your m was ever good, then some good memories exist and will resurface in her. Don't get in the way of that. Try to keep the road home paved and smooth. And please consider getting a DB coach.

We can't tell which approach you would most likely get help from b/c we don't know what your w would say if she were posting here about her choices...
That info will help us help you. So If you can, tell us what your w would SAY your flaws are. THe things she was not happy about, or missed in your m. It'll be a lot easier to know what approach might help your situation.
Good luck

[25yearsmlc]

Major Goal - reconcilliation of marriage and start again, the time frame would be 12 - 24 months realistically


The time line is a goal, not a deadline, right?

Step goals

1. We speak on the phone about the kids once a week for 20 minutes with no r talk or tension. 3 months
Great...goal timeline, not a "deadline", right?

2. We can have coffee together at a neutral location for an hour with no r talk. 5 months
Same thing...it's a good goal but the timelines are reference points/goals...not ultimatums, correct? Ultimatums are fine and acceptable IF AND ONLY IF, YOU ARE PREPARED TO LIVE WITH THE RESULTS....



3 wife proactively calls me and interacts spontaneously - 6 months

4 we have neutral family lunch / dinner with kids at restaurant
- 8 months

5. Wife stops any d activity ( lawyers, accountants etc )
- 8 months.

6. She recognises some positive things about me and our marriage together and tells me so - 12 months

what are you doing to create these positive images in her?


These positives would be...Things you are working on? Let's list those positive traits you are cultivating and negatives you are working on resolving...

7 She stops the affair - now, ok asap then

We discuss going to MC together - 12 months

The thing is I imposed no contact with her last week. It was after the trip where she and the om took my children on a holiday and she had said it was a work trip...I feel I was justified in

you were angry...you reacted in anger.


doing that as it was a major breach of my boundaries and honesty involving our children and it was blantantly in my face. I think she would have lost all respect for me if I hadnt done something.I dont think she has much respect for me now to be honest.

You think she'll respect you more now, b/c you won't talk to her? Think about that some more.


When I emailed her about it, I said she would always be part of the family and we would always support her, but her activities didnt co exist with my boundaries , so i had to stop communication and get on with my new life/ I closed with saying we care about her and her wellbeing. It was written as if from a concerned friend but with a ramification.

Sometimes we use a parental voice with our WAS and that's when we shut down their inner voice. Make sense? Consider that some and see what you think.

[facingdivorce]

Hi 25

Well I have been working through what you said and have been adjusting my goals
1. GALing more
2. Keep gym going 3 -4 times week
3. Joined hiking club
4. show that I am calm in all communications with wife
5. do yoga class twice a week
6. attend parenting for seperation and daughters classes

The timelines I put in the other goals were merely guides to me, really saying nothing will happen fast in this process, especially considering the next point......

Outing the OM
Well it sure had some impact, coz I got a letter from a lawyer today to back off. So I understand what you are saying to me about putting people in a difficult position. I wasnt going to do anymore after your last email. which I didnt. Hard to tell, but it probably has pulled them together more as it is representing both of them. Im sure he feels no guilt or shame as you say, just like my wife they seem angry that their fun is being tarnished by me.I mean who knows what goes on behind the scenes with them and his company. The thing I have learnt is dont assume anything, and certainly not how wife and om are acting/ thinking.

I hear you loud and clear with regard to thinking about OM.It is definately an ego thing for me and I did act in anger over him taking my family away. So no more of that. Calm and Cool from now on with no slip up I hope.

When it comes to my wife, I cant predict how she is thinking or will do as she a completely different person to the one I was married to.

No Contact
I have only been doing this for a week, and really I am feeling better for it, as it is stressful dealing with my wife at the moment, and she is v good at hitting my buttons. I will continue with it some more, but will monitor. I have set up a dedicated landing page for my kids with messenger, photos etc. So my objective in a few weeks time is to send that to my wife and say it is a closed environment, has a shared calender so we can plan the kids time and the IM is dedicated to her and the girls. If she wants, then we can message one another and see if we can build from there.

So what am I doing about moi?
Another good point 25.

- I am taking classes at night on being a father to girls. I am a good dad, but the more I learn the better
- I do IC once a week
- I am looking at a mens communication course as well. I think my emotion intelligence is low ( I can be very detached which is what my wife will say ). Again Im good at business communication, but lousy at family communications. So anyway this plays out it is good i do this,as definately my daughters will benefit.

I think the yoga is good just to balance my mind and stop thinking about it. My aim is to only think about this 10% of the time, within a month ( Im now where near that )

Money
Yes we all have money, just that my wife is spending like a drunken sailor, so at some point I need to seperate it the accounts. Its about protecting family assets. I will do so without any fanfare.

Yes I will be get a DB coach as well.

Again 25 thank you so much, having a different perspective is great for me and I deeply appreciate your time

Why has all of this happened?
I dont know as to my wife hasnt spoken about it to me at all. It was just that the marriage is over, please move out and I am travelling every week for the next two months..

We both had these exec jobs, I covered US, Europe and Asia, so we were always tired ( jetlagged ) and frankly jaded by it. We did well financially , but I looked at it all and said is this it? All we seem to do is have to work work work to pay for all this stuff that needs maintenance and not really enjoy as we are too busy paying for it.

Anyway about 12 months ago we said we would bail out of the rat race and move to the country side - to a place that is like Nappa Valley - a tourist wine growing region. Build a quieter life with the girls, spend time as a family, have some acreage and set up an organic business. Well we planned ( we are good at that ) we did site visits , got the girls involved ( who would look after the chickens, the horses etc ) and looked at property. In the meantime, we sold some of our investment houses, which was stressful to my wife. So by October 2010. we had the main house to sell and looked set to make the move in Feb. So as I would be handling the move / business set up, my wife urges me to resign my Big Fat Corporate Job ( Im no better than the OM ) and so Dec24 I quit the corporate life and green acres it was to be.....BUT Feb hits and wife says its all off, your out.

I think all the pressure of the big change, grinding business travel and responsibilities, her turning 40 in the midst of it, trying to be with her children more ( I know she felt guilt as to that as a mother ), just being tired, a stressed out husband who was judgemental and mean.... all too much, left her exposed. OM joins the company, he is a player, doesnt take long does it to see what happens.

Mothers day
So we dont see each other now F2F for several weeks. So I got my girls a card ( they are only 6 and 8 ) they did it all up and they gave it to her. They went to a chinese retaurant the three of them. I didnt do anything from me as I dont want to be pursuing. Normally I do in better years ( This is not turning out to be a good year )

The Marriage
It was good, we did a lot of things, we were close ( we lived overseas for a long time so we supported one another ) and we laughed a lot. We always agreed on the parenting approach with the kids, we shared same values as to family, committment etc. So a lot of happy memories, which until Feb she was the first to say. We were never stuck in a rut, as we had dynamic lives and always saw what we could do.

Heres what i think my wife would say is wrong with me ( plus my own analysis )

- controlling
- bossy
- I was more about the family than doing things with her 1 on 1
- sex life dropped off, we were tired
- tempermental - tired, grumpy, curt
- Doesnt respect what I have to say
- makes mean, derogatory comments.
- doesnt meet my needs
- can be emotionally deteched.
- very judgemental

[facingdivorce]

Sorry t hat was a long post and hopefully not to dense to read. I know I am acting more like Charlie Sheen winning warlock than calm cool collected. So I am breathing, I am walking, I am trying to decompress.

25 you really have me thinking hard about everything. The point about finding your forgiving nature which you didnt think existed, has set me off. I dont think I am a forgiving person and tend to be very black and white in my judgements. Of course what I am learningis that the whole situation is very grey,I have no control over and