I understand you are in terrible pain. Are you getting the kind of help that is making enough of a difference? I ask this, b/c there just has to come a time when you get sick & tired of feeling sick & tired, and you either snap out of it, *which we'd all do if it were that easy), or you start doing whatever the heck it takes, to NOT feel so bad anymore.
A friend of mine lost her only child some years ago. At first she felt "obligated" to feel all her pain and not "hide" from it so she didn't get help...this lasted long enough to do more damage to her life (drinking, losing focus at her work, her marriage suffered, etc) but I couldn't say much b/c if I had been her, I would have felt so badly too, it's a terrifying loss....but finally she did get help, serious help, [i]b/c she said she was willing to do anything to no longer feel the pain she was feeling[/i]. Like a diabetic needing insulin or a patient needing pain meds for a broken leg, we all come to a point at which we can no longer tolerate feeling bad about something we cannot change from the past.
If you are there now, just do what it takes to not feel so sad & helpless, so often. That's how you strike me, sometimes.
It's not an insult, it's an observation. You have been stuck in pain, off and on, a very long time.
So, what do you want to do about it? I support you in moving towards changing something, anything, b/c what you've done so far is not getting him back home. It's one thing for him to be pleasant, but it's a whole other thing to get him home. OR IF NOT HOME, for you to move forward in your life. I feel as if you really are in a waiting pattern and it's not the kind of pattern that allows you to GAL or do any big 180's...it's too much waiting and not enough of "what works".
Does that make sense to you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
