P.S.....I'm debating if I should even wish her a happy Mother's Day. Not sure.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Tad, If the opportunity should arise, with her a "Happy Mother's Day". She is after all, the mother of your children. Don't lower yourself to her level. You would have done this had she been at home, so why change it now. Do what you feel is right. Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly is right. Do what you feel is right. After all, you know where it comes from.
I should have explained myself a bit better. If you do wish her a Happy Mother's Day, she may just turn it on you as if you're rubbing it in her face. That is evidenced by the comment she made to your son about the laundry, not to mention your other son refusing to see her.
If you don't do it, she may use it as justification as to why she left.
Last year on Father's Day, I texted my H. I said Happy Father's Day and thanked him for our beautiful children. There was no response and I didn't expect one. It just felt right for me to do that.
This is some advice my psychiatrist gave me about my interactions (or just the thoughts about interactions with XH): do whatever takes the least amount of emotional energy.
As in, if you're putting a lot of thought emotionally into whether you say one thing or not, you're expending a lot of energy on something that is causing you anxiety. You need to remove the anxiety from your life to get moving on, so don't put a lot of effort into these things.
It can work the other way too: like if you HAD to have an interaction and you spent a lot of energy trying to move heaven and earth to avoid that interaction. I had to give XH a buyout check for the equity of the house, and 3 different family members were bugging me trying to come up with all these ways I could have a proxy hand the check to him or send it certified mail or whatever. My lawyer said the smartest legal thing to do was meet him at the bank and hand a check to him in person. I did this and it took 60 seconds. I chose to NOT put energy into avoiding him but instead made the whole thing a simple business transaction and I walked away unscathed while he couldn't even look at me.
So you do whatever takes the least effort and then you are better off. If you're considering how SHE will take something, you're already worried about her and not yourself, and that's movement in the wrong direction.
"Act without acting." Be "zen."
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
That really is a good thing Tad. You did something for you by not being there. You can appreciate the comments. Give her that distance more and more. Don't respond to emails or texts or phone calls any more than you feel like doing. Why? Because it is not good for you at this point.
Remember that she is not the person you knew. She doesn't even know herself right now which seems evident from the comments to your sons.
Over time, she will figure things out. She will re-establish relationships with your sons. Let that happen. Be neutral yet encouraging to your sons if the opportunity arises.
You will be the last person she tries to reconnect with. Really. The changes have to occur at this point - let them at a distance.
Time Tad. That's the only thing.
You have been hurt Tad. Your emotions are crazy and nutty. But believe me, they are nothing like what she has - she has the added burden of the guilt. Be compassionate in that regard. Take the high road where you can. And I think you know that you can text her happy mother's day or you cannot. It's up to you and if you decide to do that, only do it for you and not for her. Remember that you do not know this woman that she is right now. Would you say that sort of thing to somebody you don't know?
How's that bowling? AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks everyone. Today has been a little rough after feeling so good yesterday. I went and bowled a few games today because I had a coupon for some free games. I didn't do very well, but it was nice to get out of the house.
S18's girlfriend's family wants to take us shopping for groceries this evening. (Yes, we are that broke.) I don't want to do it. I hate being a charity case. I've provided for my family all of my life and now I have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning. They turned my water off last Thursday. My mom had to pay the bill to get it back on.
I feel so weak.
On Easter, I sent my W a text wishing her a good day. I never heard back from her. Today, for Mother's Day, I sent a text and actually heard back from her.
M: I hope you have a happy Mother's Day.
W: Thank you. I am. You have a wonderful day too! See you later around 8?
M: Yeah.
God, I just wish that she would snap out of it. I wish she could see that our marriage wasn't as bad as she sees it now. What the hell happened?
I don't know where I would be without all of the wonderful people on this board and my sons. S18 has literally saved my life. He is such a good kid, but it hurts that he will have nothing to do with his mother. Even though I really don't blame him. I talked to him today and asked if he has talked to his mother for Mother's Day. He hasn't and I don't think he is going to. I wish he would, but I can't do anything about it. This is so sad.
It kills me that she is seeing OM. The "real" W would never have done anything like this.
In Arizona, there is no waiting period to get a D. She still has not filed. What is she waiting for? She told me that she wanted a D four months ago. I've thought about filing, but to be honest, I still want our marriage to work and I don't want to give her the victory.
I really felt like I was making great strides the last few days and then BAM. Today I'm back to being in the sh!t. Does that happen to others?
I just had to vent.
Thanks for everything.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mommies.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
You have been hurt Tad. Your emotions are crazy and nutty. But believe me, they are nothing like what she has - she has the added burden of the guilt.
I'm not so sure.
She doesn't seem confused or hurting at all.
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Tad you should be able to get food assistance (food stamps). Have you not applied? With 4 people in the house (or 3), you will get a good amount. When my xh left, I HAD to do this, it hurt my pride but we had to eat. Also there should be some programs where you can get assistance with elec and water. Ask when you go apply at food office. There is no shame in trying to feed your family.
I think it was a nice jester to wish your wife a happy mothers day.
You can do these things as long as you don't expect a reply.
And yes you will have good and bad days. You are doing some ofthe same stuff I did. I asked questions over and over. I didn't listen to others. Snodderly tried to help me as many others did but I didn't listen, that is why snodderly no longer talks to me.
I was in the same place you are, just a little more hard headed. I tried to do everything my way.
Tad she is hurting, but she has stuff to keep her busy. School and om occupy her time. (just a guess about om). You on the other hand probably think about this stuff ALL the time. It consumes you. It's hard not to think about it. The times she is hateful with you is some of the times she is hurting in my opinion.
My xh stood in the doorway and cried the day he moved me out. I said why are you crying? You are the one doing this. The very next morn icaught him with ow. They flip back and forth. It's an inner battle. The quilt is enough to drive them crazy. Then on top of that the personality battles going on inside them. It's male menopause only worse!
