My H and I have been together for 13 years - married for 6, and have two small children (5 and 22m). We've always bickered, but nothing serious. He had a tough time adjusting to life after kids - especially after our youngest who is very attached to me, and had major separate anxiety his first year. Last year when our littlest was about 10/11 months old we were fighting A LOT. I knew it was bad, but I also knew we were both severely sleep deprived and still adjusting to life as a family of four etc etc. He also has a very high pressure job and works like crazy, so wasn't home much anyways. We were also fighting a lot about me returning to work (as we always said I would stay home after we had our second child). He totally changed his tune and wanted me to go back. Anyways, we decided to go to some marriage counseling to see if it would help. We went to 3 sessions (which were only about 40 minutes each), and he told the counselor a bunch of issues that I wasn't aware of - nothing major - just some stuff about me that causes him stress. I was very accepting of what he said as I wasn't even aware that I was causing him this stress. Honestly, its still in my mind nothing major (ie i tend to freak out a bit the night before we are having a big party or something). I was willing to work on myself and move on. I also was able to open up to him about a few things - and he was pretty receptive about it as well. The one thing he did tell the counselor was that he didnt know if he was still in love with me. Well BAM that was like someone punched me in the face right there. I was devastated, but after a little while I could sort of understand why he would wonder that - as our physical relationship was almost not-existant and we had basically zero alone time. However, I was (and still am) convinced that 90% of those issues were related to lack of sleep (i was only getting about 2-3 hours a night, and nursing the baby around the clock - and the baby would NOT take a bottle). Anyways, we got through those few sessions - worked some stuff out, and decided I would go back to work for a year to save up some more money. He also told me in the privacy of our own home that he didn't mean what he said about maybe not being in love with me. He tried to explain that he thinks he IS in love with me, but that the feeling was different now - not the same and it worried him.
Anyways fast forward a few months - October. We started fighting quite a bit again - he was NOT helping me out at all with the kids and I was back to work full time and working full time. He told me on October 18th that he thinks we should have a trial separation. I stupidly (naively) beg and plead for us to try some other things first - as in my mind we hadn't tried anything other than a few measley sessions. We hadn't tried alone time together, or dates, or a weekend away or more counseling or anything. We also rarely talked - as he HATES to communicate - it makes him physically ill. Anyways he told me that he didnt think ANYTHING would help and that it was too little too late. He's been gone for 6 months now - moved in with his mother. And things have been pretty damn good. We get along fabulously. We see quite a bit of each other as he of course wants to see the little ones. We don't go on dates or anything, but we spend family time together. He will often stay after the kids are in bed to watch tv or movies with me. I don't remember the last time we even bickered. We have someone rekindled our physical relationship and it has been fantastic (like better than its been in 13 years). He helps me more, he is a better parent, and I am a different person as I have taken all his issues to heart and have genuinely tried to better myself - at least for the issues that I felt were reasonable and true. We both seem to be better people in general. But he won't come home. He says he loves me to death - but still doesn't know if he is love with me. He also says he has NO hope for our marriage and that there's a good chance that its over. He says that there is no chance of him ever being truly happy with me. So he basically is telling me its completely over. But as much as he disagrees with reconciling, he will NOT end this - at least not yet. He keeps saying that divorce is such an extreme and that he as much as he feels the way he does, he is scared that he will make the wrong decision. He says he wants to be 100% sure of his decision (yet in the same breath he tells me there is 0% chance of us reconciling).
I love him to death - and there is still stuff that drives me nuts about him (and vice versa I'm sure), but I still think we married for better or for worse, and this just happens to be a 'worse' moment. He swears he has not cheated, or thought about cheating, and that there is nobody else he may have feelings for. I tend to believe him, as I really don't think he would do that to me (he'd be more likely to flat out tell me that he wanted a divorce - and then start dating).
I made all the typical mistakes the first few weeks, but was recommended the DR and I read the entire book in one evening. I've tried the best I can to take the advice - and I truly believe the advice has helped, which is the reason we are actually in such a good place right now. Its so crazy to me - I have never been so happy with the way our relationship is - yet he is ready to end things forever. We've only talked about R about 3 times in 6 months. I've brought it up each time of course, but tried to choose my time wisely and address it in a way that was the least amount of pressure on him. I also don't have the luxury of avoiding the R talk forever, as I have two little ones to be concerned about - and having the oldest in kindergarten, and dealing with changing daycare etc (i don't want to keep moving them around unnecessarily). Anyways, I have babbled enough for one post - there's so much more I could say of course, but quite frankly this whole situation just baffles my mind.
Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. I am really feeling quite broken and pretty darn worthless these days. Trying the best I can to GAL - joined a gym, doing a bootcamp etc, but as i am the primary care giver for my children, I am very much tied to home (we have no babysitters in our lives).
