OnMyWay: to who knows where?

[OnMyWay]

Happy Mother's Day AJM80! I hope it's a great day for you.

Ok, you asked for it, so we'll see how it goes. Might have to do this in multiple posts:

I was dark all day Thursday, as I knew it was her first IC day. Friday, I came home from work to get ready for the play. WAW was their laying on the couch with D. It was 6:30 and we were leaving at 7:15. She wasn't even ready. Left me feel she wasn't all that interested, but I let it slide and got myself ready to go. We did leave on time.

My goal was simple: Go see the play, take a date, enjoy myself, go home. Everything went great until the last part. WAW was a fine date and the show was very funny. We both enjoyed it. W, though, hadn't eaten and so I thought it would be ok to stop off for food on the way home - mistake #1 for deviating from the plan.

I tried to be a gentleman, even paid for her meal, as I was the initiator of the date. She became comfortable enough to begin talking about all sorts of stuff, primarily her IC session - it was my policy to NOT ask, she offered the info freely. She is very happy with her C and told her all about our "make out" session on Weds. The C asked her how that made her feel and she said it was uncomfortable - clear case of revising history here, as she didn't seem uncomfortable when she was obviously open it it, nor did she try to stop once it started. C told her to be careful about sending the wrong signals. She spent the rest of the evening pulling back and being unreceptive to my "tests" and began taking control of our sitch again. At then end of the evening, she'd talked me into telling her about my ghost theory - where when I see her in my perifery, I see my W, whom I love with all my heart, but when I turn, it's you. I regretted that instantly, although she confirmed she feels the exact same way. She was sad and even cried some at the loss of our R. We did the obligatory hug, but she wasn't really there this time. It wasn't a great evening and I regret not sticking to my plan, which would've been fine. But it was over and time to get to bed.

Plans had changed and she didn't want to spend the night, however, I had made my plans for work the next day based on her being there in the morning. She decided to come back in the morning. I told her 9:15. She was late.

As she works on Sunday, yesterday was to be spent cavorting with our D as her main mother's day time. They had big plans. I had used the movie ticket idea and gave them to D to use for her Mother's Day present. They decided to use them that afternoon and W invited me to go. I still had work to do and I felt they should spend the day together w/o me. Off they went and didn't come back until late.

I had planned to work a double shift today and hired a sitter to stay with D, but needed W to be home to relieve sitter ASAP after work. Before leaving last night, she gave me the run around about what time she would be there. I only planned doing this as she had assured me it wouldn't be a problem to cover after work. Had I known she was going to give me such a hard time, I'd of made other arrangements. So, why the wish-washy-ness on the topic now? I told her I am paying the sitter until 8pm, and if she's not there by then, she can make up the difference. She told me she didn't feel she should have to pay the sitter if she's late. Another evening not ending well for us. She's keeps pushing back, which was to be expected. However, I ended it abruptly, as I felt she was trying to walk all over me with this sitter thing. I'm not going to be a rube, here.

I would find out this morning just how hard she's pushing.

First, I found out this morning from my D, that she invited OM to the movies with W, D, and D's little friend. This OM is just a "friend" of hers and I don't believe she is having an A with him, but I dislike him immensely. Even if she is having an A with him, who cares. What I am peeved about is the fact that both he and she know I don't want D around him and yet they snuck off and did it anyway. This puts D in an uncomfortable sitch because she either has to let me know, in which case she feels guilty for it happening or she has to lie to cover up her M's secret, which makes me really mad. Either way, she's stuck in the middle. However, I calmly sent her a text stating that I was unhappy about this, that D is uncomfortable. I didn't want to fight about it, just wanted to express my displeasure at this sitch and let her know D shouldn't have to feel she have to be covert about these things, as they needn't happen. She called immediately and jumped all over me about how this friend of hers is a perfectly upstanding guy and how I'm a hypocrite. I told her, I didn't care about how wonderful he is, I just don't want my D to feel she has to lie to me and that she put her in a difficult position. Of course, this was all my fault for making D feel that way, etc., etc. and for getting angry. She pushed all the right buttons. I lost it and went off on her, catching myself and just hanging up instead. It was bad.

After I got to work I got a very unexpected phone call from my step MIL. I haven't spoken to her in a couple of years. She began by crying immediately and asked me if there is anyway we can possibly fix this. I was suspicious at first. I explained she was asking the wrong person, I didn't want this to begin with. We ended up speaking for hours.

SMIL is a very staunchly religious woman and W & I are definitely not. I am usually worried she will try to proselytize, which she did some, but mainly she shed light on somethings. She sympathized with my sitch and told me W is completely lost in herself. She's discovered W is beginning to realize the huge mistake she's made, but has no idea how to fix it. W fears she's ruined our M (Ya think?).

SMIL gave me some tips on changing my approach, which I appreciated feeling my 180's are no longer effective. She told me to go for her heart - not in an emotional sense, but in a way that can lift her soul and let her know I appreciate who she is as the person I fell in love with all those years ago, even though I know that's not who she is right now. Forget about complimenting her looks or anything like that, as that is not something she's having an issue with. Her core being is what's broken. It all makes sense and was great advise, I just don't think I have it in me right now as it tastes too much of a lie.

She also said letting her go had been the right thing to do. In our discussion, we discovered the alcoholic analogy fits here, where an alcoholic must hit bottom before they will do anything about it and SMIL feels W is about to hit bottom. I did say there can be no effort at piecing until after that happens and W figures out how to take ownership of much of this, as I am trying to do now. She agreed. My only goal here is to not be the bad guy and stop letting her push my buttons, which is something I've been working on - just lost site of that this morning; my D is my soft spot.

So, Divorce Busting this weekend was a more of a plain old Bust. However, there are some positives to remind me I've made progress overall. First of all, her actions didn't bother me, per se. I was angry about the BF being around my D as it was a clear violation of a boundary, but didn't care one bit about the BF himself or her. Plus, I recovered very quickly emotionally - my inner strength clearly coming back. One other thing, this experience has helped define how incredibly far she has to go before I could EVER consider having a real R with her again - a really great reality check.

So, for now, off to lick my wounds. Time to go dark like never before.