I expected that the adrenalin rush of the court hearing would wear off and leave me drained.
I would be lying to all of you and myself if I said I was in any way jubilant or satisfied or even happy. I am not.
This weekend has been much like the weekends early on in our separation. Lonely, lost, and depressed. I went through all the motions: Church, decoration at the cemetary on my Mom and GM's graves. I then drove about 26 miles out of town to decorate on xh's Mom's grave. Had lunch midway with Xh's aunt.
I truly believe that it is the Lord's wish that we D and for me to get out of the way; so that perhaps, just perhaps, my XH will begin to realize that the D didn't make his unhappiness go away. Perhaps be open to accepting help with the PTSD and alcoholism. I can't say I expected to feel great about it, I didn't, but am still extremely hurt by his attitude towards me in the courtroom. His total belief that I am the cause of all his unhappiness. His lies that we fought all the time. He basically made everything I believed about our M out to be a lie. Like I wasted the last twenty years of my life.
I know that being D'd doesn't mean I have to give up on my XH, but feeling very twisted overall. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Be the bigger person. Rise above it all.
In short, am feeling very lost at the moment. Very much like I felt over a year ago when this all started. Like he is getting to move on with his life, and I am still stuck.
I know better. Knowing better however doesn't make me feel better. Still very sad.
I know that so many of us who joined the Board at about the same time are going through the same things at this time. It's almost as if we were a graduating class of some kind. It's much easier to say than to do, even when you know it was the right thing.
