Lost

[gypsyriver]

On April 15th H and I got into an argument. It was a pretty typical argument for us, where I was trying to get him to talk to me and he just wouldn't. Eventually he breaks out with "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore" and "I don't think we were meant to be" and "I can't be with you anymore". He blames this on when I told him 7 years ago I might still be in love with my ex (a woman), and he said it was okay to explore it - which I did, briefly, and realized it was problems in my marriage that needed fixing, not feelings for her. He said it just destroyed his love for me. (Which is very opposite of what he'd been saying up to that point - that he was madly in love with me, I was his everything, etc.)

Two days ago I found out that since shortly before the 15th, he'd begun having an affair with a co-worker. I am still in shock that he could leave me here blaming myself solely for the loss of my marriage.

But - what now? The affair is new - and they think they are so in love, meant to be together, been waiting their whole lives to find each other, never been happier with anyone else, etc. (Ow, ow, ow, ow and so on).

There *were* problems in our marriage due to not meeting emotional needs, of course. And just prior to the affair I was on a medication that caused depression and we had been fighting a lot. But we spent a lot of time together, and were generally happy (smiling, laughing, enjoying things, etc.)

I love my H with all my heart. I know we had hard times, but I know we were good together 98% of the time, and we could've worked things out. I want to keep fighting for my marriage despite everything. I know he is confused and hurting and that the OW makes him feel better about himself (she is 10 years younger than me, 7 years younger than him, also engaged, but he says to an emotionally abusive man that she wants to leave - so someone he can "rescue"). But with him so convinced they are "meant to be" and that "everything happens for a reason" I'm not sure how to even hold on to hope. He keeps saying he hasn't been in love with me for years (despite all evidence/proclamations up until now to the contrary) - but I'm thinking this is that he is equating their infatuation stage love with longer term love.

I'm just lost. I can't eat or sleep. It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from.