WAW, and a bisexual open marriage

[25yearsmlc]

Wow, this is a really tough situation but Those are really good insights for you. Well done. (As you can see, we all suggested the 5LL's book for a reason. It opened my eyes a lot too.)

I just wish she could understand 3 things about this. 1) one of YOUR LLs is physical intimacy. Even though she sends her Love to you in ways she understands and expresses, that vital LL of sex is missing AND it's the one need only a marriage partner can provide. (B/C you can get your eggs somewhere else, but you're supposed to keep the sex inside the m).

2nd) she withholds sex, which is using it as a weapon to punish. Long ago I read that doing that was some sort of factor in a high number of unhappy marriages and led to a lot of divorce. I know women who do that. No one is happy in those m's.

While it's true that we women tend to connect emotion to sex more than men and need SOME mood factor to enjoy it fully, (hence not being able to shut off one emotion in order to simply STOP and GO and ML that minute...we don't work that way) we still can give ourselves to our h's out of love. When my father died, I was too depressed to fully enjoy sex but I still enjoyed the intimacy of ML...

To hold a grudge all day about laundry or whatever the example is, is simply holding a grudge and not forgiving or cutting slack to your partner. NO MARRIAGE CAN SURVIVE OVER TIME, WITHOUT A LOT OF FORGIVENESS ON BOTH ENDS... I really stand by that. Not necessarily affairs or drug use or a crime thing to forgive. But we have to cut each other some major slack b/c we married flawed humans, [i]and so did they!

[/i] I think your point is that she saw it not as a laundry matter, but as a lack of caring on your end. I get that, and That's a really useful insight. But the thing is, you still have needs not being met. And a w who may not even try to meet them, no matter what you do. Is that accurate?

I believe we still have to face some facts.

3) IMO, sex is not a commodity for a wife to give to a husband in some sort of quid pro quo exchange. If it were, we'd be prostitutes and you'd pay us $$.

Also, It's called making love for a reason. It is supposed to a part of marriage, and a shared experience. It's mutually giving...sure, it's a physical release but it can be so much more. In fact, It is NOT always about sexual satisfaction. It can be a shared experience meant to comfort someone in mourning (after my mil passed away, my h needed intimacy more, not less. I don't think it was b/c he was "hornier" ). Sometimes after an argument in which one of us got too angry and wanted to apologize, being intimate can be an act of contrition or an act reflecting forgiveness, or a celebratory act.

Our d22 graduated from college yesterday and we "celebrated" in a way that that only the parents of a child who reached such a milestone can do. We were proud, we were touched, and we felt very close...So ML is an act with so many meanings. It's also a reminder of vows we made that are confirmed by ML b/c only in our m, do we have this act. (In most m's that is. No judgement there, but for most couples, sex is an exclusive thing, and that adds a special piece to it, you know?)

Maybe you can talk about what sex is to each other, other than the physical part. Maybe someday she'll be willing to see a counselor. Or maybe this will continue on unabated. I know one thing, you're young. You will not always be able to function sexually without help, and your libido will drop and all that other aging stuff happens to us all at some point. This is THE TIME in your life when it can be such an integral part of your m, and something to look back fondly upon and recall years from now...my h and I still shake our heads privately, at some of the places we found to be intimate, and it's our secret and it's fun to remember. And we're by no means done...

My question for you is this. If she's going to be this way for the forseeable future, is it a deal breaker for you? Do you know what you can live with? (You may not know yet, but you have to figure it out sometime.) And if she doesn't get help, how much change do you think you can expect of her?

If it is a dealbreaker, in fairness to her, you will have to be clear w/her so she knows what you know. Make sense? And fwiw, I think if she's not willing to change, you're going to have a tough road ahead and you'll need all the help and support you can garner.

Good luck