Learned a couple of interesting things about verbal abuse that shed a lot of light on what's been going on with H. Seems like I can safely assume that every time he's told me that he never said something that I know he said, or never acted a way I saw him acting that I shouldn't doubt my own memory. He has "forgotten" or lied just to save face. I can't trust him.
I realize now that it was easy for him to be magnanimous and seek cooperation when he was divorcing me, but now that I'm divorcing him I am certain he'll contest just so I don't "win." I'm thinking about hiring an attorney just so I can have an intermediary. The last think I want is for him to start making more assertions just to tick me off and have to be the one to argue with him. I've got better things to worry about than his crazymaking.
Last week in one of his email rants he started going off about certain unnamed belongings of his that I've thrown away. He's just trying to guilt me, of course. I tried to think what he could be talking about and realized that we never got rid of anything that mattered to him without his consent, and for that matter there are many of my belongings that I gave up because he didn't like them or they didn't fit "our" lives anymore. I thought that was just how it goes in relationships, but that's only how it goes in relationships that are partnerships. Same goes with the idea that I never did anything for him. He's often carrying on about how he's done this or that for me, and rarely mentions the things that I've done for him over the years. If he wants to keep score on who has done more for the other or what one of us has done to the other, that's his problem. I thought we were supposed to be doing things for one another for the sake of the relationship, not for the sake of seeing who was better than the other.
I just wanted a partner, not a competitor. All this time, I haven't even been keeping score, which I guess would put me behind if I had been playing his game at all. I think it's time for me to walk away and leave him to his self-satisfaction. I doubt it will warm his heart for very long, but isn't that the crux of the problem?
