Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for stopping by Red and Starsky. And Star, you're right about the odd hill. I'm thankful for this forum. It allows me to get out my frustrations and rantings without taking actions that may be harmful. I've calmed down a lot since then and have been able to regroup myself. Not easy with the type of week I've had though.

After H discussed the moving issue, he called me the next day while I was working and said that he thinks he needs to be home. He misses me and thinks that being home will help him. I said OK. The next day, he had nothing but anxiety attacks all day. I was at work again but he texted me. As I drove home that day, I thought a lot. Living with such issues is very difficult. I wondered if it was right to continue to do so. D is certainly not immune to seeing H's issues either. Although H had said he was going to be home, I expected him to call and tell me he had to leave. As I was tearing up in the car thinking it about it, on cue, he called me. Sure enough, he told me he had to leave. He also said that he was rethinking his decision yet again. I said OK again. I can't make that decision for him and haven't yet decided what route is best for me. I tried my best to sound upbeat because I DO know that he does not do this on purpose so being angry is no help.

Once I got home, I was cheery for D and put her to bed and immediately went to bed myself. I took a couple muscle relaxants both because by neck hurt and because I wanted to sleep and not think. H texted me at about 1130 with a simple "Hey". It was clear he was rethinking his decision to NOT be home. Oy vey. I chose to not respond and went back to sleep. I was in my home and I will sleep on my schedule. Nonetheless, at about 1230 am, H comes back, and hops in to bed with me. I was semi-drugged due to the muscle relaxants so didn't move much. He could see I had had a heating pad on my back due to my pain and gave me a quick neck rub which was nice. However, while doing so, he ended up having a major anxiety attack. I didn't recognize it at first because quite honestly, he's tried to hide them from me. He takes showers when they hit bad. This was the first time I saw one full blown. It was kind of scary. His heart was racing, he was shaking, his breathing was erratic. He simply said " I was fine when I left. What's wrong with me?". I of course, had no answer. His attack waned slightly and I think we had a minor R talk but I honestly don't recall much.

Since then, he's stayed at the house. But the next night, he slept on the couch. I'm not sure why. It was either his way of not running home due to anxiety or he COULDN'T go home because he had overindulged in alcohol after I went to bed. Not sure which and I haven't asked.

Yesterday he seemed better. He texted me throughout the day (since I was working AGAIN) and told me he was initiating "yard therapy" by working on the yard. He texted me that our dog was well behaved and other silly things. He also invited me to dinner at a place he's wanted to take me for years. He even made a reservation. When I got home, our porch looked great. I found him in the bedroom folding and putting away his clothes (which have been in a pile for almost two weeks). So things seemed positive yesterday. Only time will tell how things will continue to go.

One interesting thing that H has done is start a personal blog. It's for himself to work out his feelings on things but he shared it with me and wants me to chime in on things. I read it yesterday and was surprised at a few of things he said. I made some comments but don't know if he's seen them yet. One of the things he mentioned is that the x-OW is still texting him unimportant things. He said it was interesting to hear from her but THAT would be a blog entry in an of itself. Not sure what he meant by that but he knows I can read it so I find it interesting. I mentioned that hearing that DOES bother me because it still tells me she continues to NOT give up. It seems to me that ANY contact is dangerous but at the same time, they were friends for a long time before they became an item and I can see how breaking that type of friendship would be tough. I am torn with that issue at times.