Long story short The relapse started when she brought up that it may be awkward for some of our friends to see us together yet. I said it should not be a problem, because we are working on it, and that it wasn't a bad situation. (I hindsight I walked into a R talk trap sigh) At this point she mentioned that things were not better, they just hadnt got worse. (all I could think was of course you'd say this...and forget the last 2 weeks). She then pointed out that she still couldn't bring herself to being intimate with me and she didn't know how to get through that. During the relapse she also mentioned how frustrated she was both mentally and sexually. I stressed I was frustrated too. She made sure to ensure me nothing had happened and said that it was adding to her frustration.
That's kinda the gist of it. It lasted about 6 hours. She started warming up the next day, and by the second day started talking about a future together again. (without me prompting, I try to avoid that sort of thing nowadays).
As for her main problem right now I think it's that after years of being careless, around the house, not "listening" to her, letting her walk all over me, and being needy. She just started finding me unattractive. Couple that with a constant need to be in control of when she is in the mood, and we have the issues we have now.
Here is a hypothetical example: On a Friday while I'm at work she may be doing laundry. She is a stickler for washing clothes right side out. All my clothes to include socks and underwear are inside out, so she spends an extra 15 to 20 minutes getting my clothes right side out. To make things worse she casually mentioned this about 2 months ago so "I should have known better". So now she is ticked, it's Friday so I try to take her out. Maybe I try to take her somewhere nice, we get drinks, I'm in the mood, and she knows it. She's not because I was so thoughtless about the socks. Nonetheless I don't get the hints, we get home and I try to initiate. She's too mad about earlier, and now even madder because in her mind the entire date was only about the sex. Sex she is not willing to give, and hates being coaxed into. She rejects me, I get hurt so either A throw a nice guy temper tantrum or B get needy and try to coax whatever affection or intimacy that I can get to make myself feel better. Both responses naturally drive her away. Repeat for 4 years, and no wonder she is annoyed an unattracted.
Reading the 5LL's really has helped me understand why she gets so upset over nitpicky things. In the same way that a warm cup of coffee made just the way she likes it just for her makes her feel loved, carelessness and thoughtlessness especially when previously warned has the opposite effect. Ie "I told him not to leave open water bottles on the table, he must be trying to spite me, or is just a complete idiot."
Recently I have realized that caretaking is a big way of expressing her love. When she is in a good mood she does it a lot. When not she may neglect me a little. On the other hand for me quality time is more important.
As an example earlier in the marriage I mentioned that I loved scrambled eggs, she made eggs for months. I loved it, and appreciated it. A few months later at the doctors office I was told I had to cut back because my cholesterol was slightly high. When I told her this she burst crying, saying she felt terrible for "poisoning" me. At the time I found it odd. After reading 5LL I realize that the emotion came from finding out that something she did out of pure love was harming me. That's why every time she makes me eggs now I feel extra loved, especially the morning after a fight.
Hope that clarifies some things I'll post my goals and 180's soon.
