Tough call. Not sure what is happy about it. Plus it is her decision to abandon the family, not very motherly. Based on where you are at, I would say no.
Well....I made the tough call. I sent the text and got a response immediately. "Thank You". Now I have to resist every urge in my being to do anything else. I know I have to go back to dark.
Something Calystra pointed out that DBMod said a long time ago made me decide to do it. DBmod said to "build the love". When I read over my threads from the last year and a half, one of the biggest mistakes I made was not showing STBX love in an attempt to look like I was strong, and didn't need her. Often when she came to me, I either took too much of what I needed or ignored her. I know it felt to her like I only cared when I needed something from her. That's why she thinks I haven't changed. So..doing something loving today and then not asking for anything in return that is a REAL 180 for me and I hope shows that while I am going on with my life, I do care for her and love her.
Sounds like you did the right thing. I always wrestle with the more of the same actions vs the pursuing issue. Its a fine line, but on a day like today we should have a bit more flexibility.
I used to love sleeping in on Sundays and starting the day with a morning cuddle with my wife. Now, I can't even sleep in, because the moment I wake up even a little, my mind starts to race and I can't roll over and go back to sleep. I get angry that she has taken even the smallest pleasures from my life.
I feel you here. This is every day for me. That's the worst part of the day I think... when you have to wake up and realize the reality of your situation over and over again each day. It's like the movie Groundhog Day.
Yes the first jolt you cant help. But the rest of the day and how you use it is TOTALLY up to you. You can CHOOSE to wallow in misery or do something to improve the situation.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I know it's almost crazy that we over analyze everything we do, but when our future is at stake, maybe not????
I was thinking about me texting her. I opened up communication possibilities, showed that I am thinking of her and care, but didn't take anything from her or look for anything in return. This little action may mean nothing in the long run, but since I am now at the most desperate time since I have been here, it's time to think about every little action and every word I speak.
Yes, Calystra that is exactly what life feels like. Groundhog Day. But, in every day, I still attempt to be happy at some point and still have not given up on saving my family. There are moments in every day when I do want to give up, but it's just not in this man to do so until there is absolutely no chance at all.
Tonight, D19 told me that STBX has not discussed money with the person she interviewed with for the new job. Even the concept of her thinking about leaving current job where OM is the owner, makes me happy. I know I am just setting myself up for all kinds of letdowns, so I will try to make nothing out of it and focus on me and not her.
I made a list of events this year taken from my journal to disucss with my counselor. I have edited it to appear here. I am trying to figure out what STBX's motives were during this time - at some point she and her Boss went public with their relationship. That had to be before March when she went away with him and told me she went away on her own.
To clarify some things. Our D19 and S17 both work part time at the restaurant that STBX manages and is owned by OM who she has had some kind of non-work relationship for 8-9 years.
STBX apparently really did have a job interview, but it is unlikely it will pay enough for her to leave current job.......and in at least one way, OM.
Anyway....if anyone can take the time to read the following and give me feedback, I would appreciate it. Was she A) just playing with my mimd to be mean B) trying to cover up her newly open relationship that everyone other than me (including kids) knew about C)confused D) simply trying to keep BTM as an option
January
9: D19 says that her mom told her “your dad still hasn’t changed”
11 STBX says “you look dapper” when I go into Rest. Says she doesn’t want to go on vacation with me, but “has options”.
16 STBX brings homemade mac n cheese to house for kids and I. I say then we won’t got out for dinner tonight. She makes comment about us not inviting.
17 Kids and I go out for dinner, and invite STBX but she won’t go since she doesn’t feel welcome even though I ask a couple times and I ask Austin to text while we are there.
24 While talking to me on phone, STBX makes a comment about “going to play with herself”. I ignored it.
27 STBX FB status: “Time to move on. But where?” and tells me on phone that she is having a mid life crisis amongst other things.
February
1. Calls me her husband and feeds me butter tart while at rest and offers to bring shampooer to me. Later we text and then she calls me regarding being upset about conversation with someone.
6. Says she has no time for me and doesn’t want me to bring her car in for repairs that week. (I work at a dealership)
7. Texts me to go by rest. and get the lunch she made for me.
8. Comments on how “how hot I look” when she moves my jacket to look at me. Says “we should have dinner” and tells me about a Cuban resort she might go to.
12. Asks me to buy her out of the house now so she can quit her job, buy a car and look for another job. Tells me she and Boss/OM have “dated a few times” but that she has not spoken to him in a week.
13. I offer $20,000 now, but that isn’t enough. She says something like “I can stay here, it’s only a couple years”. No definitive answer when I again suggest vacation since she is so stressed.
14. She calls me for a break from an audit just to talk.
15. Pays me the $2100 she owes me from XMAS 2010 family vacation with a check written to her from rest. She says it’s the money owed to her for RRSP deductions not paid into fund.
16. Talks about vacation first week of March and about going alone, so I ask “do you want to me to go?”
19. She says no to vacation with me.
22. She says “I’m seeing someone” named ______. Also tells me what resort she is going to - not actual resort name, but from what chain.
23. I have to go to rest to get a key from kids when I forget mine. I can’t even look at her and she comments on that. S17 later says I was rude and everyone could feel the tension. I apologize 3 days later.
27. S17 says that STBX “tells him lots”. Kids and I have sit down talk and I mention ________ (guy she said she dated - not boss).
March 1. I call to wish her a good trip and she is cold and rude. “What business is it of yours when I fly?”
2. I text to wish her well on her trip
4? Texts me “you have been poking around and asking questions” “you are a piece of work”. I defend myself. I really was doing nothing. S
6. I test to see how week has been. “it’s been a good week”.
9. Texts me “you deleted me from FB. What’s with that?”. I respond and then call.
12. I text her to come out and say hi when I pick up S17 from rest. and I initiate hug.
17. She accepts invitation to concert.
23. Talks to me about Boss/OM's divorce. Says she would never ask for support. Makes “puffy penis” comment when I ask about my new jeans. She is not feeling well and rests head on my shoulder and says I smell good.
27. She turns down invitation to dinner at house since she is sick.
April
6. We go to concert. Shows me down her dress and cries during a song about someone realizing too late what they had.
10. Turns down my invitation to D19's boyfriends hockey game since she is sick, but does join us for dinner. Asks me to feel her face a couple times and puts her foot onto my chair.
12 When I am at rest, she asks if I am in a hurry and then shows me some game on IPAD. When I am leaving she says “Aren’t you going to give me a hug?”
13. I have lunch at rest and she complains about boss/OM and says she is going to Vegas with another male co-worker in August. She claims he is gay - he also left his wife last year.
14. Doesn’t want me to go by her apt to get income tax stuff signed and is cold, but later claims she was watching a movie and calls me twice.
16. Taxes are in and she complains but I agree to pay hers.
17. We talk for almost an hour on phone and I suggest vacation with rest of my tax return. “I can’t take time off”. She “can’t make a commitment to dinner” with us. I laugh at that. She says she will try to stop by in the next 3 days while she is off. Later texts that she “is happy doing nothing” and doesn’t come to dinner.
20. Tells me she has a job interview and is “considering vacation”.
23. D19 tells me that STBX can’t get time off until August when she is going to Vegas with co-worker. I text STBX to confirm. When I mention that I just had first hot tub in months she says “I want a hot tub”.
24. She calls back after I leave message. Seems like I am interrupting. She says she was sleeping at 6:00pm and there is fairly loud music in background.
25. D19 says STBX has plans with other people. I call and it does not go well. She is frustrated and says she is going away to celebrate her 10 year anniversary at rest. in August.
26. While talking on phone I say “I love you”. “I love you too…..but that doesn’t change anything”. I go into rest and am a mess. Later she says I made her cry for 20 minutes. I go in again when I drop off S17 to work. That night he and I have big fight which leads to the truth the next day.
27. I call her and tell her I know. She gets very angry. “I’m done…I’m done”.
Anyway....if anyone can take the time to read the following and give me feedback, I would appreciate it. Was she A) just playing with my mimd to be mean B) trying to cover up her newly open relationship that everyone other than me (including kids) knew about C)confused D) simply trying to keep BTM as an option
"b" and "d."
Look, this is a fruitless exercise, BTM. You're only going to drive yourself batty trying to analyze all of this. Put it all under the general heading of "people who are cheating, lie, nearly all of the time," and call it a day. What are YOU doing to work on YOU?
Make yourself the kind of man that ANY woman would be a fool to not want. If that turns out to be your wayward wife at some point, then great. And if not, you'll be the better man for it.
