Well if I want to move on with my life, I have to go to where I am going to do that. That's not here in Seattle unfortunately. If I don't move out of this city, I'm just going to be in limbo until I get the D paperwork. Do I have to go to another city? Not necessarily but there isn't much for me here.
The discussion last night was good and open. We communicated like we have not ever communicated before. However it was so very painful that I didn't sleep well and I'm not doing well today. I'm back to feeling hopeless, helpless and like there is nothing I can do in this sitch to turn it around.
The main point to him is that he feels that our R is missing something and always has been. He thinks we have just been 2 friends living together. (I pointed out how we do have intimacy and other things, we are not just friends. He acknowledged but said that there should be even more than that.) This fundamental problem is what leads him to believe there is no saving the M though he does recognize other issues - I believe he thinks those are solvable.
His timeline basically starts back in our sitch in 2003 when he came home. He now thinks that decision was a mistake. He said I made it so very easy for him to come home (more on that later) that he did so to end the pain of the situation. He's looking on this like he took the easy way out again. However, he does say at that point he did miss me and always thought about coming back. He looks at the next years as ok but still missing that essential component. He says now he was very unhappy at this time and partially depressed - he didn't like himself, his job, etc and I think he lumps our M into this as well.
Then he moved to Seattle and we lived apart for 8 months. He completely turned around his life at this point, using the move as an opportunity to change things about his life that he didn't like. He got a new job he could be passionate about. He got friends and started doing activities with them. He started working out and getting into shape which is something he has always wanted to do (and he comes from a family that values that). He says at this time he enjoyed living on his own. He says he came to resent my visits sometimes and then resented me when I finally moved out here because of the way his life changed. (I pointed out how happy he always was to see me, how much he missed me during that time, etc. He said sure but he was glad to see me go after my visits.)
Then you add my depression over the past years, the lack of love both of us have put into this M and he's continued to be unhappy. He realizes that we could choose to love each other, we could choose to start doing loving actions again. He thinks this is a bandaid and will always mask the underlying "big issue". He knows I can change, he knows I will do that and everything that comes with it. He knows all the DB techniques, he recognized me going dark, etc. He just doesn't believe that all this will be enough.
I realize that there are a lot of "alien" statements in all of this. I realize that he is thinking in negative terms right now. (I brought this up as it's a concept he understands and he knows that I think he's thinking this way. I guess he doesn't think he is?)
He also says that if he ever changes his mind on this, he will let me know. He knows I will make it easy for him to "come home" once again because I did before. He knows that I will dedicate myself to working on this M like nobody else. However, he is in the stubborn mindset of not coming home. I'm pretty sure that he's going to talk himself out of it this time even if he does have those feelings because he feels coming home LAST time was a mistake.
I know he needs time apart from me and I need time apart from him but I'm just not sure what to do right now. I feel like if I move so far away, I'm pretty much putting the final nail in the coffin on this one. I asked for more of a separation time - he thinks the cooling off period of 3 months for the D is enough. He even recognizes he may change his mind after the D and he is ok with that (even though he is pretty sure at this point it's not going to happen). I told him I'm not waiting around forever. I think he's hoping I find someone else.
In fact, he said he wishes I would have cheated on him again so that this would be easier - so that I would have made this decision for him.
I guess I need to talk to a DB coach. I'm really at a loss right now. I don't know what technique shows him we can fix this fundamental flaw in our R. All I think I can do at this point is detach, move on and hope he changes his mind. I'm not sure what this guy thinks a R is all about. Thousands of people would kill to have our relationship...
