Please be more patient with me. It hasn't even been a full year that the full truth came out (June 21)and it's only been 6 months that the OW moved away.
I DBed my butt off....actually lost 20lbs :-) Even before I found out the whole truth and was lead to believe it was only an EA, I issued the LRT (May 29, 2010)and told him he could leave, we could sell the house and split everything down the middle. I couldn't understand why it had not gone into a PA and I feared that if that was left "unexplored" he would be driven to explore it. I knew I couldn't handle that. Best to be done with it. I was not going to play any games or hide my feelings.
He chose me, he chose to stay. Yet he was still wrestling to fully end it. I still don't know when it fully ended. The date seems to move around. He "can't remember" when it ended. It's that deception that still has me on guard.
None of this is easy or clear cut. I'm doing the best I know how. If I could flip a switch I would. Tell me where it is and I'll hit it.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
He chose me, he chose to stay. Yet he was still wrestling to fully end it. I still don't know when it fully ended. The date seems to move around. He "can't remember" when it ended. It's that deception that still has me on guard.
Yes, he DID choose you. Sometimes you have to open yourself up to potential hurt in order to advance.....and that means trying to trust as much as you are able to - even when that is going against your instincts....because he CHOSE YOU! I know just how hard that is ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))).
As regards the deception due to when you feel the actual end date was, and you H's inability to be accurate, I would say that my H also wouldn't really be able to give a clear date. Probably because to begin with he tried to be 'nice' and end it without any bad feeling for OW - ha, ha {eye roll} . Then later on I think his memory did get really hazy about the whole thing because he was embarrassed and just wanted to forget it all, whereas for me every detail was seared in my brain.
It IS early days still. Don't beat yourself up.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
H gives me vague info about how he ended it too. And the part about not hurting OW is valid in my case as Saffie says as well. And this "detail" makes me nevrous still too.
Unbelievable how even in piecing there is a textbook they follow. xxx K
Hey....look...we are GOOD! H knows I'll have triggers and he knows I'm not out of the woods. He keeps reminding me of the "us" and the "we" in all of this. Even HE doesn't want me to deny my feelings. He knows it will just come out sideways somewhere else. We are looking at this as something that happened to the M and we are both accountable and victimized by it.
This "team" effort is what is going to pull us BOTH through. We were friends for 5 years before we got together. He even dated one of my best friends for a very short time. In fact, it was her visit to me in grad school that got us together. She wanted to look him up and I didn't even know he was in the city. This was the 3rd place in the USA that we were ran into one another. We know we are soul mates. We are both trying to figure this out. So when I trigger and come here, it is because we are both in a quagmire and don't know how to navigate out of it. In a way, I am protecting him by coming HERE and venting, letting you all know what is happening to us.
Kalni, I'll post on your site after this.
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
"Probably because to begin with he tried to be 'nice' and end it without any bad feeling for OW - ha, ha {eye roll} . Then later on I think his memory did get really hazy about the whole thing because he was embarrassed and just wanted to forget it all, whereas for me every detail was seared in my brain."
I could have written this Saffie. Same with mine, he wanted to let her down gently, wanted her to go away with as little hurt as possible. I DO believe that. Plus, she could have really ruined his career. Strange that part of what pulled him in was that he felt "like the man" and "like the boss"...well he was (eye roll...)[color:#3366FF][/color] and then he totally set himself up by giving away that "power" and giving her something over on him.
I have to be careful today. I've had to reel my mind in several times to not go down a certain road. I'm going to get out into the garden.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Thanks Jack! Oh and BTW...I'm sure my H would thank you too for all the butt kicking and support! I mean this fondly. I have a habit of being way too sensitive. ....thus my OCD memory!
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach, feels like your heart stopped beating, feels like that dream you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but its all out of your control, you cant trust anything anymore, no one is who they say they are, your life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of the whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break your heart like that again.
Quote from the movie The Women. Candace Bergen who plays Meg Ryan's mother says this to her at lunch. It's so spot on.
That movie is such comfort because they value M and it seems like MWD could have written it. It has all the stages of an A, including Meg Ryan's GAL.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
