Punchy, I know what you mean. When my W was away it was just enjoying the kids and getting through the day, without all the added stress.
Wish I knew what advice to offer about the confrontation regarding the OM, but I'm in that boat myself. I've avoided that talk, even though I've planned to have it several times. I didn't know absolutely what had been happening - so I knew W would have denied it and I'd be back to where I was, but looking bad with a really POed W feeling more justified.
In retrospect I'm glad I've waited, because I'm now in a much better place to have that conversation. I've attempted to collect some information so I can know what's really going on.
Not much further to report on my situation. After reflecting on all of the posts here as well as those on other threads, I have decided not to proceed with any type of confrontation about the status of the OM.
My wife if and when she is ready will decide what her future plans are and whether or not they include me in some fashion. My feeling is that she is still angry with me for my past behaviour, for exposing her EA and even the changes I have made that her in mind should have been made years ago.
I feel that I would lose out in any situation that makes her chose between him or me and that would just increase my wife's anger towards me. I have to continue working on being a better me. Also I have decided that going forward I am not going to do anymore snooping. I have ignored the advice on this board regarding snooping but feel that I need to move away from this activity. It is not attractive behaviour and is doing nothing to relieve my stress or anxiety. What she does from this point forward is her business and not mine.
I really need to focus on becoming the type of person that my wife would chose over the OM instead of worrying what she is currently doing with him.
Further to my commitment to stop snooping, part of my rationale for doing this is a disturbing email I saw that my wife had sent to a friend of hers. I would check her BB on the odd occasion when she would leave it out. When she got back from her trip, I went into her purse one morning to see what contact she had with the OM on her return.
Friend: How are things going at home?
Wife: He rummaged through my purse the other day while I was in the shower. He purposely rearranged everything to let me know that he had been there and that he is still in control Part of his plan to try and mess with my psychi.
Friend: kick his ass...hard
Wife: the wheels of life turn slowly
Obviously, I should have followed the advice of many others here and not snooped. What is disturbing to me is her feeling that I am trying to mess with her head and that I am playing mind games with her.
The whole snooping thing has set me back big time, but it is a catalyst for further change and growth. Just not sure how I can overcome this warped sense of our relationship that my wife has.
You'll live better by not doing it. WAW's have a sixth sense for snooping. It's weird. Then as you said they use it to further justify their actions. Bad juju.
You are so right. It is addictive. For me it allowed me to see how far apart we are in terms of our relationship, how she interacts with other people, what was going on her life and of course what was the engagement with the OM.
Based on the result, I am better off not knowing any of the above. What bothers me about her response is that there is no mention of how I encouraged her to go on the trip with her father, paid for the trip and how I looked after the kids for 10 days with no issues or concerns. No mention of the changes that I have made, how the kids now want to be with me, how I no longer question her about her spending and that I am no longer that impatient/angry guy. A simple "things are better" is all that I would expect, not that I have any expectations.
As you say, they use our snooping to justify their choice. I am still painted as the evil one every chance she gets. No mention of how she was cheating at work, continuing to see OM and not providing me with any indication of where she is taking all of this.
Based on what I have told my IC about my wife's behaviour and actions, she told me several months ago that my wife has some mental issues and is not thinking clearly. How my wife can be so warped in her thinking is really shocking but not all that surprising to me.
Join the club punchy , I cant tell you how Crazy my W's choices are right now but they are HERS to make and hers to regret down the road.
If you know about the affair , then really what else is there to snoop about other than to further hurt you. Sometimes less is more if you know what I mean.
Detach, Detach and then detach some more and continue getting a life. Not for her , but for YOU.
She will eventually notice but that is not why you are doing it because if it is, they wont be long lasting.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Thanks 9. I am moving ahead as you have recommended. Detaching is the key focus. I need to get away from this insanity.
Not that I would ever do it, but part of me wants to meet with her friend and tell her my side of the story. We used to get along great and now she can't stand me. It would not be to change her opinion of me, only for her to see what I am dealing with. There is no way in the world that she would tolerate her husband having an EA, so I am not sure when her new value system came into effect. She just about divorced her husband one year because he forgot about their anniversary.
Any way, I need to start following the great advice that I am getting here and try to work through this mess that is now my life.
The other strange comment she made was that "I am in a very controlling relationship". Her friend then told her that I was mind controlling and overbearing and that my wife needed to get out of the relationship fpr the sake of the kids! Unbelievable stuff. The lengths that they go to re justifying their position is unreal.
I have not told my wife to do anything in the last 18 months other than to make a decision regarding the OM. I actually told her to go be with him. How this makes me controlling is beyond me except for the fact that I broke up her fantasy world.
My wife then told her "that would be easier if I didn't deserve this."
Friend then want onto say that my wife made a mistake but needs to forgive herself so that she can move on. Great advice from her friend!
Wife is continuing to play the victim even when she is the one who went outside of the marriage. This has been a painful couple of days.
Mother's Day went ok. I took the kids out shopping earlier in the week and they each picked out a gift and a card for my wife. I did not get her anything specific in advance. On Mother's Day I said that I would like to take her to the mall so she could pick out a Ereader and an Iphone4.
Her parents came over later that day for dinner. My wife went on to show off her new Ereader and Iphone and told her parents that she just bought them for herself and that they were not really for Mother's Day. Didn't bother me, just thought it was more of the same strange behaviour where she makes sure that I get no credit for anything.
The only other thing I want to mention is that there was one other comment from her email exchange with her friend. Apparently the two of them went to see a psychic two year's ago and the pyschic told my wife that she was in a controlling relationship. My wife went onto say that the psychic was still right. Go figure.
punchy Don't worry about her friends. I hate saying this, but female friends are kinda hypocritical. Trying very hard not to sound bitter, but women often are looking for someone to validate them. (That same thing they ask from us) Women are very good at validating each other, and imho will often contradict themselves in order to validate their friends. From reading other stories and my own sitch, I also know that WAW's will quickly shed friends and family who do not wholly agree and enable her, this friend is putting her friendship over what she ultimately knows is the truth.
I know this sounds very wrong to us men, almost EVIL, but then again that's why we are constantly being told that we don't "listen". I was told by a very wise person that her "feelings" are her absolute truth. As a H it is your job to at least understand where this feelings are coming from.
I know it is very frustrating, but look at this way once things turn around these same friends will validate her feelings of bliss and happiness. I know this is stereotypical but women friends are more concerned with providing "emotional support" than logical advise. We guys prefer logical advise.
Men want to fix things now! We need answers, solutions. Women want to make sure they are happy in the long run with their decision, so things need to "feel" right both now and in the future. That's why they say we are better short term decision makers, and they are better long term decision makers.
As I write this I have this fear that I will get super 2x4 from one of the female posters, so take what I say with a grain of salt. This is just my experience from what I have seen on my sitch and on the boards.
