Mission 25. I Really Mean it this time>

[ninelives]

I also urged her to embrace and focus mostly on OUR kids today.

But I think I wrote , your kids. Thats what this day is mostly about.

I hope she takes it in the spirit that it was intended.

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[ninelives]

Wow another holiday. Got to admit, these are so tough and really took them for granted when we were married. Its so funny, now that we are separated, you would do almost anything to experience them together again. We celebrated 15 of them before and did the token things but boy, I would love one more chance to show her how much I really did apprecitate her as the mother of OUR children.

Its always the same old story, you dont know what you got till its gone. Stupid humans, why do we have to be hit over the head with this before it sinks in.

I dropped off my kids at her place along with the gifts they ( I) got for her. Like I said, flowers and bulbs of flowers etc.

AT home right now alone and feeling empty. Wish I didnt crack up my bike on Thursday as I would love to go for a ride right now.

Its not that i couldnt, probably a good idea that I dont and as one never rides their bike when emotions are bad and also I dont want the crack in the ferring to get worse.

MOre house work and garden work to do anyway now that I think about it.

Next tough day I think will be May 18th ( Alice Cooper concert) and then May 28 and May 30th our birthdays that we always celebrated together.

I will really try and be out of town for thesed days as they fall on the weekend, well hers does anyway.

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[NEmoose43]

I hear ya on the holiday thing 9...went to dinner with W and in-laws for MIL's BDay last night as you know. As I was sitting there at dinner I got really sad. I just started thinking about how I would so miss moments like that if we can't figure things out. Don't know if W has any thoughts like that, but I sure hope so.

Keep your head up.

[Grace_O]

Hey 9,

Thinking of you and hoping you find even just a few moments of peace today.

HUGS

[ninelives]

Thanks Grace;

It means so much to me to have a veteran like yourself chime in.

ITs funny this site, when you see the # of posts from some of its members , they are like badges of honour. Like you have been there helping people for so long.

Despite an internal battle I was having with myself, I did take Ak's advice and went with MY instinct on something since I do know my wife still despite the alien creature she has become.

I did send her a hand written letter inside the card I had for the boys with no expectations. I thought my son had delivered that earlier when he went this morning and when she didnt respond, I didnt think anything of it but it wasnt given to her till recently and I did think she would respond and she did.

Again, this changes NOTHING between our current sitch but it does let me know that the woman I married almost 18 years ago is still in there somewhere.

Her response to my letter:

Thank you for the letter. Your wisdom is quite a great quality. Your thoughtfullness is unmeasureable. Cant be measured. I thank you from the heart. I will keep that letter always. It means so much to me in so MANY ways.

Now before anyone trys to interpret this letter. Maybe its best to accept it for what it is. Just a response from two people that used to be in love to a very trying situation. Does that mean she is going to come running into my arms? Heck no. I wanted to ease her mind a little today and also let her know that I still do have a heart and despite my days of going dark and how i have ignored her, I do think about the important things still.

Thoughts?

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[ninelives]

Off they go to another mother's day dinner. The second one without me. Trying to focus on other things with limitted succes , obviously. Next year's mother's day will be a better one. I know that for sure. I will be in a better place.

Hope all LBS are navigating this ok. Almost over and tomorrow is back to normal.

BTW, BIL said I was invited but then SIL said I wouldnt come so not to bother with invite.

I think she is getting it.

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[ninelives]

I cant explain this. I had a dream last night that W and I were breaking up and it was so real. Like there we were back together before the first break up and that she said some nasty things again. I hate when this invades your dreams.

When I woke up i was in a lot of pain. It has continued so far.
I turned on the TV and saw people making love in a movie which just about tore my heart out.

I am trying to get my balance this morning but I wonder. Am I destined to love this woman forever? Im really trying in my head to detach. REally I am. Im trying all the techniques to stop thinking about her but I JUST CANT SEEM TO PULL IT OFF.

This will not stop me from continuing to GAL and try and move on but I NEVER dreamed it would be so difficult to let go.

Both sons were gone lastl night to my W's place. I was alone in the house she designed and it did feel so empty.

Maybe a combination of Mother's day and sons gone is pulling at me. Im not anywhere near the first stages when she left but I have to admit, that I'm also not where I was a couple of days ago.

Gotta keep moving forward. Thats it. I DO KNOW this. If I could just let go of the hope for REAL and just see how things turn out down the road I would be further a head.

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[islander]

Well 9, as usual we are pretty much in the same place, especially emotionally it seems. I was doing good for a couple of days, then the rollercoaster hit again. Detaching is soo hard, and when I think I am starting to get it, I lose it.

Anyway, hang in there. I thunk the response from your W was good, but you cant read anything else into it. Too bad, I know.

[ninelives]

Thanks for the response. Not much more we can say to each other Islander except be there .

I truly hope she sees the light some day. You seem like such a loyal husband that is truly in love.

How many people actually get to experience that for real.

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[ninelives]

I regret saying this on this board but I cant seem to shake this feeling of LOSS today. I am dissappointed with myself and thought I was made of better stock than this. How can I let one person influence my life so much. I always thought I had a pretty decent self esteem. Carried myself well , almost a little cocky but that is gone. I really dont like myself these days and what I have become. I should not be defined by a single person; no matter who she is.

I used to be a successful coach, good athlete and popular with my peers ( as a student and as a teacher)

Not sure if its just a bad day today but good God, i have to shake it for MY kids sake when I get home from school today.

What NOw?

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