Just had a good talk with an old friend. We had a good cry together and I feel so much better. I talked him about how much control OM/boss has over my STBX and how her whole life has become her job and the people there. He is very objective and sees exactly what I see. Sometimes I think I am going crazy, so it's awesome when someone else see the same thing.
As day 10 of dark comes to a close, being dark is becoming less of a "game playing technique" and more of what is actually right for me. Being aware from her right now is safe.
Hang in there BTM. Nobody said it was easy. And it isnt. Its hard to imagine how people stop loving. I never initiated that.
I can understand a slip up to actually carry it on to fruition. How does that happen.
Someday, maybe all the pain will be worth it one way or another.
Be strong man.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
It's nice to have someone to talk to that understands - even if they fall into the category of "well meaning friends and family". The comfort is so helpful.
Keep doing what you need to, you're in an ok place right now. Keep the GAL parts up so you don't go insane.
There have been moments I questioned my sanity. Thankfully I keep facts and statements in my journal, not just my feelings and thoughts. Otherwise, I would be lost regarding the actions and comments of STBX.
I try the GAL thing, but often I am quite happy to be at home - the home I love that I will only have for another year - hopefully.
Hang in there BTM. Nobody said it was easy. And it isnt. Its hard to imagine how people stop loving. I never initiated that.
I can understand a slip up to actually carry it on to fruition. How does that happen.
Someday, maybe all the pain will be worth it one way or another.
Be strong man.
9
I have realized very recently what a strong man I have become. Tonight, my friend said "I don't know how you do it". Becoming the person I am today, has made it all worth while in some ways.
I just realized that you (9) and I are both in Ontario. I will PM you to find out where you are. Maybe we're neighbors.
I used to love sleeping in on Sundays and starting the day with a morning cuddle with my wife. Now, I can't even sleep in, because the moment I wake up even a little, my mind starts to race and I can't roll over and go back to sleep. I get angry that she has taken even the smallest pleasures from my life.
Today, everything in my soul tells me to call her and tell her everything from my side and get it all out. But, I know that this isn't the right time, so I am forcing myself not to. Besides, she would see it as me putting my agenda ahead of hers, especially on Mother's Day. That would once again, allow her to feel I am the bad guy and all her actions have been justified.
So...I will carry on with my plan of staying dark until her birthday on June 23 and some time after that, I will ask her to meet me and ask her to listen and try to be honest. I need closure in order to move on in life, and I think she probably does too. WE need it as a family, if she and I are ever going to be good co-parents and co-grandparents.
I needed to get that out somewhere safe. I will go for a walk now, and of course, think and think some more.
All morning, I have been thinking about texting "Happy Mothers Day" to STBX. Should I break the darkness on day 11? Would it be considered a loving action? Or?
IDK BTM. What i did and this may be wrong, I bought a card and flowers from my kids and slipped in a handwritten note but did not mention ANYTHING about us. See my thread for further clarification.
Im not sure if most DBers agree with me but her MOM just died in March so I was adressing that more than anything.
As for "clearing the air" , really hold off on that for a long time and get some more insight on that. Not sure what good will come of that other than the ususal finger pointing on Why it happened and whos fault it was etc..
Sometimes you have to accept what cards you are dealt and play them the best you can. I know in my Sitch, rehashing the past was pointless and often history was rewritten and wasnt totally accurate.
Just my two Canadian pennies. 9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
