my h and son gave me necklace

[25yearsmlc]

rysmom,

It sounds as if your h and you have a friendship. He does some thoughtful things for you, either b/c you are the mother of his child, or because he feels guilty, or b/c he likes being kind to you.

But he's cohabitating with OW now, correct? And am I correct in assuming he has said nothing about a reconcilation with you? Am I correct in assuming you two don't discuss the topic of you two being married again?

What is the legal status of your m? Are there religious reasons he might not ever file for divorce? (Yes, even though he's living with OW, to some people it's not the same as officially ending a marriage and beginning another one).

Are you ready to stay in this limbo state of in between, forever? I'm sincerely asking. I think if you are honest with yourself, at some level you are more comfortable with your present situation than you are with the idea of changing yourself or trying something new. I am not sure what you fear about change, since you surely are not happy now. Yes you have moments where you say you are happy but they appear to be related to hopes you rekindle, every so often, about a reconciliation. If those are the only times you are happy, you are in for a world of hurt.

For your son's sake, if not yours, wouldn't it be valuable for him to see you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward in your life? You can move forward without giving up. But the constant contact you have with your h is a form of co-dependency and odd interacting, where nothing substantive gets discussed but you get gifts that you coo about and praise him for, and which you see as signs of a reconciliation, but then I guess you forget that he gets in the bed of the OW each night...how can that be alright to you after so much time? Surely you know your approach has not worked...(or if it is working, we can't see it b/c it's moving at a glacial pace.)

I'm not saying what you should do legally; but I am saying your approach to your m, whatever it is, hasn't moved him closer to you and you have not GAL or done any 180's either. At some level, you are rejecting the DB principles b/c you don't follow many, if any. How do you feel about that statement? I mean, I'm asking what you are doing to GAL or what 180's you've done b/c I cannot think of any but I'm hoping I"m wrong.

So are you willing to try something new, since your present and past approaches obviously did not work? Please don't ignore the hard questions, b/c what is really hard, (harder than answering the questions) is being here in limbo/hell so long, b/c you won't look at or ask the tough questions. You have a lot of fears and anxieties. They seem to paralyze & cripple you. Was this one of your h's issues?

Also, you guys reconciled for some time, 2 years (?) and then he left again, correct? What did you do in that reconciled time?? How were things any different than before?

Why did he come home at all? Was it guilt, or his son, or something you promised to do differently? And why did he leave again?

Specifically, what did he SAY to you when he left? What reasons does he give, and what are you doing to make those reasons seem untrue or invalid, now?

I believe in prayer, for it has great power. But sometimes people use prayer in lieu of action. Prayer helps us to face our fears and ACT IN OUR INTEREST even though we have those fears. It's not a vehicle for remaining in the same position forever. "Standing" for your m, does not mean standing still.

Do you get what I'm trying to say?