Tryin to do what works

[jbnati]

Moose, I just got caught up with your sitch. Sounds like you are doing a lot of things right and you're struggling with a lot of things the rest of us are. I can totally identify with WAW syndrome where you'll have a good day and she pulls back the next. Sometimes it seems like it's every other day it's one way or the other.

I say cancel the reservations. You don't need the drama right now. Sandi's advice was very sound. I don't think W wants any of that right now and it's probably going to have the opposite effect of what you want it to.

[islander]

One thing i have seen is that the anniversary question comes up in almost every sitch, and it was hard for me...not to mention I screwed it up big time. Mine was right after christmas, so I combined the events and got a nice necklace for my W. Dumb. I shouldnt have done anything at all, but felt like I had to. Anyway, I am afraid that if you go on this trip with your W, that you won't be able to help but have expectations. It is natural. When we went out of town to work on things, it was the most expensive and most horrible time in our marriage, literally. I got her rings thrown at me on a street in a major city, then had the long ride home the next day. And we were supposed to be working in things.

Just be smart when you make your decision.
And thanks for checking on me today.

[NEmoose43]

Well, that was an interesting evening.

Got several texts from W while I was working out this afternoon asking what I was up to. Didn't have my phone on me at the gym (hate it when people do that), so I didn't get them for about 90 minutes. Finally answered and she called almost immediately. Said she was way too tired to attempt the concert tonight, but was wondering if I wanted to hang out and maybe grab dinner. Told her I could come by, but I was thinking about meeting some friends out at a bar later so I wasn't sure about dinner.

Anyway, got to her parents house, and both parents asked me to go to dinner with them, W and SIL. W was getting dressed and I saw them first, so I said why not. Actually had a really nice time at dinner, and W was acting much more like herself...probably due to having her parents there, but it was still nice.

Drove her back to in-laws house, and she actually reached out and held my hand on the gear shift...not reading anything into it at all, but it was something she hasn't done in a long time now. Sat in the car for a bit and talked and she hesitated noticeably before she got out. Asked her if there was anything she needed to say and she said no, but thanked me for finally giving her some space. She then looked over at me and said, "let me decompress for a little bit now that I'm finally done with school." I said that was fine by me and apologized for trying to rush things. Told her she knew how I felt and left it at that. She said goodbye, leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

Fairly happy with myself tonight. Didn't bring up the OM since there's no need to beat that dead horse at this point. And I didn't try to bait her into talking about anything else involving R stuff. I know her hesitation to say anything was due to a worry that I'd go off on a rant again. But I felt no desire to...I've already said it all.

Feelin pretty calm right now. Hope I can carry this over to tomorrow. Going over there again for full family celebration time. W actually has to meet a family she may be nannying for over the summer at 4, so I'll be alone with the family for a while. That should be interesting...

[islander]

Just be patient and take it slow. I don't know how her interaction tomorrow will be an accurate reflection of the way she is actually feeling. It may be a show for her parents, maybe not. Just don't read into OT, and let time tell you where she is at. Be strong tomorrow, have a good time and keep things very light

[Timetotry]

Great job today Moose!

IMO is be prepared to go back down the rollercoaster tomorrow. She is scared and questioning her previous decision. Two steps ahead, one step back.

[NEmoose43]

Islander, no problem at all man.

Still not sure what I'm going to do though. I agree it's going to be tough to go into it without any expectations, but I really want to go if only to catch up with some old friends and try to enjoy the city. Honestly, I'm thinking about just asking W what she wants to do. Feel like putting the ball in her court might be a better plan, and heck, if she doesn't want to go, I might just go by myself.

And I totally hear you on the gifts...not planning on doing anything as far as that goes. That was always a huge problem for us, one that W never talked about until after the bomb. She always felt like I bought extravagant gifts for her (which I did) and she never got anything for me that was anywhere near as nice. I never wanted anything more, but I see now what she was talking about...really lowered her self-worth more even though it was totally unintentional.

Oh well, who knows where things will be in 3 weeks, but I'm not going to force anything.

[NEmoose43]

OK, just a quick little affirmation for myself for this afternoon (or maybe a prayer, call it what you want ;))

I will stay patient and just enjoy the day.
I will not bring up R AT ALL.
I will make sure to involve myself with in-laws and not just focus on W.
I will be the new Moose, and just go with the flow.
I will not ask her to come home tonight under any circumstances.
No pressure, no expectations, just unconditional love.

And I'm going to pray with one of my sister's favorite quotes...thought some of the BITS guys would like this one:

"Lord, please keep your arm around my shoulder...and your hand over my mouth."

Have a good day everyone.

[ninelives]

Awesome quote. I will use it from time to time. Hopefully in the right way.

9

[NEmoose43]

Plans changed a little bit this afternoon, SIL's son had a soccer game, so the party got pushed back. W called to let me know and asked me to take a look for a children's book that she wanted to give to her niece. Couldn't find it in our bookcases so I went out to check some boxes we have stored in the garage...bad idea.

Opened one box and found a bunch of pictures...including from our wedding. We actually had a surprise wedding. We had planned to elope in Hawaii originally, but felt bad and decided to turn our going away/wedding party into an actual wedding. No professional photographer since it would've given things away, so we had cameras on the tables for all our friends to take candids.

I just composed myself enough to come back into the house. God this hurts so much. She looked so beautiful, and we both looked so damn happy. I can't believe I F'ed this up so bad.

Sorry if I'm bringing everyone down, just feel like I got hit with a baseball bat right now.

If anything this just deepens my resolve. I love this woman so much...I will be patient enough to let her work through her own issues so she can let go of the pain and anger that she feels towards me.

Gotta go try and get myself under control before tonight.

[FaithnAK]

I can't believe I F'ed this up so bad.

Sorry if I'm bringing everyone down, just feel like I got hit with a baseball bat right now.

Believe it and forgive yourself. Dig real deep and do the exact opposite of what got you here, that is Where you failed in your half of the marriage. She has the same obligation, but you can't control/fix/manipulate/or convince her. So guess what? You can mope around and be sad all you want, but as soon as you forgive yourself and DO THE WORK FOR YOU you're your own worst enemy.

If it makes you feel better, you are not bringing me down. In fact me posting to you reminds me of where I was at one point, and I know you can get to a better place too.

Look at yourself in the mirror and say "I owe it to myself and my part of this marriage breakdown to be the BEST me possible." And Moose I can't emphasize this enough, you do this for YOU, NOT to get her to notice.