Digging Through Old Email

[AJM]

I'll be honest. I know that these changes are for me, but I'm still holding out hope to save my marriage.

She says that she wants to be friends and still wants the best for me. She can be so nice sometimes and turn around and be so mean other times.

Consider yourself lucky Mine would prefer to push me off this rock or under it. She does everything calculated and with one goal in mind: to hurt me. Am I being sensitie? No. I look for the best in people; it's who I am. I even slipped the other day and did that with stbx. She told me she wanted to be friends (not exactly how she put it, but rather that we would always be friends and I would have to talk to her because of the kids. She was wrong about both of those, but that's a different story altogether.) Yours does, because she isn't sure yet. Sounds strange I know. She is still warring with herself and checking up on you is part of that. Wishing you the best? That's likely very sincere. That doesn't mean much I'm sure, but it is very telling.
Let her miss you. Let her wonder. Let her not be in control of your emotions Tad.
Let me ask you something: when she left did you try to follow? Did you miss her? Do you think it would be different if you left her? I mean really left her? Think about that before you answer.

As for your son. Try very hard to not put him in the middle. This is hard on him. Lots of emotions and things to deal with. He didn't ask for this either. I was told by the family counselor to tell the truth. "This isn't what I asked for." And leave it at that. I don't tell the kids about ladies I date etc. They haven't met any girlfriends and so forth for the simple sake of not putting them in the middle. Period.

I am not yet divorced. In my state I have to wait 12 months of physical sep and the first time didn't count according to the courts. I have another two months before I can file. Heck, I don't even have a signed sep agreement because her lawyer doesn't like her (I suspect). Lots of games. Lots of accusations (WTF right?). And this is what she wanted. Well, almost what she wanted - she wants it her way of course. But this is her trip. I won't play any longer and I won't be hurt by her any longer. I refuse to play her games. I could tell you stories about how she acted and things she said. Many of which were just to be mean I'm sure. One example: she told me she never loved me. Was that how she felt? I don't know. Can't read minds. But I can tell she very much wants to hurt me. There were times she tried to act like she cared about me. Often they were followed up with brutal berating and mean and nasty things. I was watching guilt and anger cycles - I know that now. But I was also too close and willing to get hurt.

You are very lucky yours does not want to hurt you, but if you get too close, she will as sure as the sun comes up every morning. Back away and let the woman grow. You are radioactive to her Tad. Remember that and remember to focus on you and the kids. They need you now. I do know it is not easy. It's not. But it is worth it and it is what you need to do for them. Don't waste your energy where you can't be effective and focus on them and you. Let the rest go for now. There will be time later to deal with the rest, but there won't be time later for the kids.

AJ