I never thought I would be back here again....

[Edmond Dantes]

I think it's great he is communicating his discomfort to you. Much better than wordlessly throwing up a wall and freezing you out in my opinion.

I'd suggest that anything you can do to communicate to him with your energy, so to speak, that you are not actively resisting his decisions, will help him feel more comfortable around you. I know it can be hard to find the middle ground between coming off as hurt and withdrawn on the one hand and carefree on the other. I sometimes find sober, attentive and compassionate to be about right for me.

Best of luck to you.

[calystra]

Yeah I think I can do ok with the positive energy. It's a little hard to not let the bitterness creep in but I'm trying. I guess it just needs time.

Btw, love the Count of Monte Cristo. One of the best books I've ever read, movie was good too.

[calystra]

He's coming home soon. I'm just trying to be nice at this point and act "as if" everything is normal. Offered him a ride (he declined), offered to make dinner (he declined but I'm doing it anyways... the beef can't sit another day in the fridge), asked him to get me an onion at the store since all ours had gone bad (he said yes).

So when he gets here, no pressure, no R talk, no pursuing. I'll be light and friendly. He can drive the interaction. The way things are going lately, he'll probably just bolt up to the guest bedroom and hide there until tomorrow morning where he'll find a reason to leave again.

Le sigh.

[calystra]

He brought up the financial split. We talked about the R some more. It's not going to work with us in the same house, he's going to move out if I'm staying for any length of time. So I think I decided to leave for now.

I know people say it's easier to DB when you're still in the house together but he can't relax, think, eat, sleep, work or focus with the stress and discomfort of me being here. So I think for any chance of this working, we need to be apart.

He has zero desire to work on the M, zero feeling for me etc... and no amount of me being here is going to help that right now. How long am I going away for? I don't know. Where am I going? I don't know. I guess I figure that out in the next few days.

[BeTheMan]

I remember those uncomfortable days of living in the same house while STBX was waiting to move into her appt. She was here, but not here at all. I know you must feel lost right now and think you don't deserve to not even know where you are going to live. I can't promise you that it's going to get better, because we have no idea what is around the next corner. All I can say is that you have had the strength before and you will have it again. And, no, you don't deserve this. You truly don't.

[islander]

I also remember how tough those "last days" were bf my W moved out. I feel for you right now.

I was wondering if there is a reason that you are moving out if the house and not your H. If there isn't one, I think you should stay and let him be the one to leave. JMO.

I think it is one of the best decisions that I have made, even though it was very tough in the begining and I didn't think I could do it.

[BeTheMan]

Staying in our house and sleeping in our bed in our bedroom has been tough at times. It's like living in a shrine to her. But, I still think it was best for my kids and for overall financial health. But..STBX moving out gave her all the freedom to explore life with OM and up until the last 10 days I was foolish enough to let her have the best of both worlds.

I did make some changes to the house to make it feel a little less like our old home, but all the memories, good and bad, are still here with me every day.

[calystra]

Well if I want to move on with my life, I have to go to where I am going to do that. That's not here in Seattle unfortunately. If I don't move out of this city, I'm just going to be in limbo until I get the D paperwork. Do I have to go to another city? Not necessarily but there isn't much for me here.

The discussion last night was good and open. We communicated like we have not ever communicated before. However it was so very painful that I didn't sleep well and I'm not doing well today. I'm back to feeling hopeless, helpless and like there is nothing I can do in this sitch to turn it around.

The main point to him is that he feels that our R is missing something and always has been. He thinks we have just been 2 friends living together. (I pointed out how we do have intimacy and other things, we are not just friends. He acknowledged but said that there should be even more than that.) This fundamental problem is what leads him to believe there is no saving the M though he does recognize other issues - I believe he thinks those are solvable.

His timeline basically starts back in our sitch in 2003 when he came home. He now thinks that decision was a mistake. He said I made it so very easy for him to come home (more on that later) that he did so to end the pain of the situation. He's looking on this like he took the easy way out again. However, he does say at that point he did miss me and always thought about coming back. He looks at the next years as ok but still missing that essential component. He says now he was very unhappy at this time and partially depressed - he didn't like himself, his job, etc and I think he lumps our M into this as well.

Then he moved to Seattle and we lived apart for 8 months. He completely turned around his life at this point, using the move as an opportunity to change things about his life that he didn't like. He got a new job he could be passionate about. He got friends and started doing activities with them. He started working out and getting into shape which is something he has always wanted to do (and he comes from a family that values that). He says at this time he enjoyed living on his own. He says he came to resent my visits sometimes and then resented me when I finally moved out here because of the way his life changed. (I pointed out how happy he always was to see me, how much he missed me during that time, etc. He said sure but he was glad to see me go after my visits.)

Then you add my depression over the past years, the lack of love both of us have put into this M and he's continued to be unhappy. He realizes that we could choose to love each other, we could choose to start doing loving actions again. He thinks this is a bandaid and will always mask the underlying "big issue". He knows I can change, he knows I will do that and everything that comes with it. He knows all the DB techniques, he recognized me going dark, etc. He just doesn't believe that all this will be enough.

I realize that there are a lot of "alien" statements in all of this. I realize that he is thinking in negative terms right now. (I brought this up as it's a concept he understands and he knows that I think he's thinking this way. I guess he doesn't think he is?)

He also says that if he ever changes his mind on this, he will let me know. He knows I will make it easy for him to "come home" once again because I did before. He knows that I will dedicate myself to working on this M like nobody else. However, he is in the stubborn mindset of not coming home. I'm pretty sure that he's going to talk himself out of it this time even if he does have those feelings because he feels coming home LAST time was a mistake.

I know he needs time apart from me and I need time apart from him but I'm just not sure what to do right now. I feel like if I move so far away, I'm pretty much putting the final nail in the coffin on this one. I asked for more of a separation time - he thinks the cooling off period of 3 months for the D is enough. He even recognizes he may change his mind after the D and he is ok with that (even though he is pretty sure at this point it's not going to happen). I told him I'm not waiting around forever. I think he's hoping I find someone else.

In fact, he said he wishes I would have cheated on him again so that this would be easier - so that I would have made this decision for him.

I guess I need to talk to a DB coach. I'm really at a loss right now. I don't know what technique shows him we can fix this fundamental flaw in our R. All I think I can do at this point is detach, move on and hope he changes his mind. I'm not sure what this guy thinks a R is all about. Thousands of people would kill to have our relationship...

[ninelives]

He sounds like he is pretty smug and you are letting him be to some degree. He knows he has you , plain and simple. There is no anxiety for him. AS soon as he decides he wants back in , there you are holding the door for him.

I dont know your husband obviously, but what if he felt a true sense of loss from you and that he lost you? Would things change?

I asked my wife how she will feel when and If she sees me around town with someone else. She has told me in the past that she wants to see me happy and that I should move on. But she said to me once that she is not sure how she would react when she saw me with someone else. She'll have to cross that bridge when she get to it.

Also one time she saw me talking to some ladies and reacted very poorly. My point, talk is cheap. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

You know yo have to detach. You have been here long enough to know the prinicples of DBing.. IMO, if he sees no repercussions and knows you are ALWAYS there for him, then what does he have to lose.

just my two cents.

9

[calystra]

Right now I would be making it easier for him if I just disappeared. In the long run, I'm not sure. You've got a point.