Digging Through Old Email

[sunshinelewis]

Tad I don't know if this is the case in your situation, but my xh was always mean to me when with ow. I could tell sometimes when he was alone, our conversations were better. He said to me once...just let me go and go through whatever it is I am going through. But then again, to get. To leave him alone he would tell me anything I wanted to hear. All he was interested in was his YOUNG women and his drinking. My xh hardly ever took a drink until he left. He was a cop and worked a lot. When he wasn't working or home he was fishing. He fished a lot of tournaments. Since he has remarried he doesn't fish as far as I know. Fishing was the one thing he loved. He said to me one evening after court that she (ow), was already complaining about him fishing and he told her that wad tough. Well he sure changed his tune,
Tad when my xh left, he didn't even take all his clothes. He left almost everything he had. He walked away and didnt turn back..
Anger....anger....anger....that was what I got. BUT I didn't listen and stay away.

Tad they do seem to change overnight. They don't even ave the same hobbies, or at least mine didn't. I will never understand it.

Stay busy busy busy! It helps.

Hugs,
Renee

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Renee. I've often wondered about this:

Tad I don't know if this is the case in your situation, but my xh was always mean to me when with ow.

I've often thought she was meaner after just seeing him or talking to him on the phone.

They don't even have the same hobbies, or at least mine didn't.

Very true Renee. My W's taste in music and food have changed. Believe it or not, her handwriting has even changed. SHE doesn't think she has changed at all.

Weird stuff.

Tad

[AntoniaB]

About 6 weeks ago I lost my will power and I looked at my XH's facebook page--which I'd avoided/blocked for 9 months--and I read everything from the time he left to that point in time. What I saw was a person I did not recognize at all. For me, one of the most "telling" things about a person, a window into the personality, is the way the person writes. I don't mean good or bad writing, I mean that everyone reveals something of his/her personality through his/her writing if you read that writing long enough. (I'm an English professor so it's something I've done subconsciously for nearly 20 years). I can really "know" someone through the way sentences are arranged, through word choice, etc.

I read my XHs writing for 23 years. The writing I glimpsed through his fb posts sounded like an entirely different person. Completely alien. The content, the tone, and the sentence structure, complete and utter stranger.

The thing is that that was what really let me "set him free" in my head, because there was nothing left of his former self.

Right now it's freaking you out to see her change, all these things about her that are so different, but eventually it will help you decide that there is nothing of her "old self" left right now, and that you probably wouldn't want her/be attracted to her if you met her for the first time now.

Maybe eventually they "come back" but I have my doubts, and I'm not waiting to find out ;-)

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Antonia. I KNOW W is not the same person she was even 1 year ago. She did "flip" virtually overnight.

S16 is mad at me. W is coming to pick him up in 2 hours and we had the following conversation:

M: Is your mother still planning on getting you at 4:00?

S16: Yeah. Haven't heard otherwise.

M: Well I won't be here when she picks you up.

S16: Why not?

M: Because I don't want to be.

S16: Why?

M: Because I just end up being hurt when I see her. I'm going to keep my distance.

S16: That's stupid. You should be here.

M: Well, I'm not going to be.

S16: Just be here.

M: Not today.

S16: God. That's stupid!

M: Why what's wrong?

S16: Because now I'm going to get asked questions.

M: Why?

S16: Everytime you're gone or she knows you have plans, I get flooded with questions. I hate it.

M: What do you mean?

S16: Where's your dad? Where is he going? Where did he go? That's all I hear.

M: I doubt that.

S16: I hear it all the time.

That was pretty much the conversation. It surprised me that W has been asking questions. I really didn't think she even had any interest in me or what I've been up to. She'll really be curious after today. I'm pulling away and becoming mysterious....

Tad

[dl443322]

Here's the thing. None of this should be a tactic. It should not be calculated on your part.

What it should be is you getting a life. You finding something to do today. Then just saying to your son, I'm going to......and that's it.

It is VERY important that you not involve your children in this. Telling your son you get hurt when you see your w, not a good thing. Puts her in a bad light. Puts him in the middle.

You need to let them handle their relationship with her. It's your job not to do anything to hurt it.

Your son needs to see you navigate this from a place of strength. He needs to see you living your life. If he sees that you are ok, he will be, too.

These changes have to be real or she will see right through it.

You need to give your son the tools he needs to handle this.

And you need to have a conversation with your w. She needs to understand how important it is not to put your son in the middle of this.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Brooklyn. You are right again with very good advice.

Me being gone is not a tactic. I am doing it for me. I just get hurt when I see her and everyone has been telling me to pull away. That is what I am going to start doing.

Tad

[punkin]

Tad,

Do you watch NCIS? Do you know how Mark Harmon's character is always popping Denozzo on the back of the head? Consider yourself whacked.

Having that conversation with your S just put him in the middle, which my D's tell me is a pretty crappy place to be. Don't discuss that you're not going to be there, JUST DON'T. So tell your son you are running to Wal-Mart and just leave.

Sorry for the 2 x 4, but your son is old enough to handle his own R with his Mom. Just be the adult there for him when he needs it.

Brooklyn is exactly right. Have the convo with W that S needs to be left out of the equation, and that you will have no part in that.

[seeking answers]

How about if Tad just tells his son he has some errands to run. That way the boy doesn't really know where his Dad is going, and when his Mother asks him, S just says, Dad said he had some errands to run.

That way it keeps the S out of the middle and Tad doesn't have to have a confrontation with his W over it.

With cell phones there's no reason Tad has to give his S info about where he'll be.

Just a thought...

[AJM]

I'll be honest. I know that these changes are for me, but I'm still holding out hope to save my marriage.

She says that she wants to be friends and still wants the best for me. She can be so nice sometimes and turn around and be so mean other times.

Consider yourself lucky Mine would prefer to push me off this rock or under it. She does everything calculated and with one goal in mind: to hurt me. Am I being sensitie? No. I look for the best in people; it's who I am. I even slipped the other day and did that with stbx. She told me she wanted to be friends (not exactly how she put it, but rather that we would always be friends and I would have to talk to her because of the kids. She was wrong about both of those, but that's a different story altogether.) Yours does, because she isn't sure yet. Sounds strange I know. She is still warring with herself and checking up on you is part of that. Wishing you the best? That's likely very sincere. That doesn't mean much I'm sure, but it is very telling.
Let her miss you. Let her wonder. Let her not be in control of your emotions Tad.
Let me ask you something: when she left did you try to follow? Did you miss her? Do you think it would be different if you left her? I mean really left her? Think about that before you answer.

As for your son. Try very hard to not put him in the middle. This is hard on him. Lots of emotions and things to deal with. He didn't ask for this either. I was told by the family counselor to tell the truth. "This isn't what I asked for." And leave it at that. I don't tell the kids about ladies I date etc. They haven't met any girlfriends and so forth for the simple sake of not putting them in the middle. Period.

I am not yet divorced. In my state I have to wait 12 months of physical sep and the first time didn't count according to the courts. I have another two months before I can file. Heck, I don't even have a signed sep agreement because her lawyer doesn't like her (I suspect). Lots of games. Lots of accusations (WTF right?). And this is what she wanted. Well, almost what she wanted - she wants it her way of course. But this is her trip. I won't play any longer and I won't be hurt by her any longer. I refuse to play her games. I could tell you stories about how she acted and things she said. Many of which were just to be mean I'm sure. One example: she told me she never loved me. Was that how she felt? I don't know. Can't read minds. But I can tell she very much wants to hurt me. There were times she tried to act like she cared about me. Often they were followed up with brutal berating and mean and nasty things. I was watching guilt and anger cycles - I know that now. But I was also too close and willing to get hurt.

You are very lucky yours does not want to hurt you, but if you get too close, she will as sure as the sun comes up every morning. Back away and let the woman grow. You are radioactive to her Tad. Remember that and remember to focus on you and the kids. They need you now. I do know it is not easy. It's not. But it is worth it and it is what you need to do for them. Don't waste your energy where you can't be effective and focus on them and you. Let the rest go for now. There will be time later to deal with the rest, but there won't be time later for the kids.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Wow. Thanks Punkin, Seeking and AJ. A lot of good stuff right here. You are all right. Thanks for the 2X4's. I needed them.

So tell your son you are running to Wal-Mart and just leave.

I love Wal-mart!

How about if Tad just tells his son he has some errands to run. That way the boy doesn't really know where his Dad is going, and when his Mother asks him, S just says, Dad said he had some errands to run.

This would work as well Seeking.

Yours does, because she isn't sure yet. Sounds strange I know. She is still warring with herself and checking up on you is part of that.

She seems sure though AJ. I hope she IS warring with herself. I'm not so sure though.

Let me ask you something: when she left did you try to follow?

Yes. Well, actually I tried everything in my power to get her to stay.

Did you miss her?

Like crazy.

Do you think it would be different if you left her? I mean really left her? Think about that before you answer.

Hmmm. If I left her BEFORE? She'd miss me. If I left her NOW? I don't know. She thinks I am the devil. She may not miss me at all.

One example: she told me she never loved me. Was that how she felt? I don't know. Can't read minds.

Before she left, she actually told me that she didn't love me anymore than our dogs. Amazing isn't it?

Back away and let the woman grow. You are radioactive to her Tad. Remember that and remember to focus on you and the kids.

I'm trying buddy. Today was the first step.

She came and picked up S16. I was not here. I made sure I was long gone about 30 minutes before she was scheduled to pick him up. According to S18, she didn't even get out of the car. Not sure why. She usually does. She called S16 and told him she was waiting outside. He asked if he could bring his dirty laundry to her house so he could wash it because we didn't have time to get it done this week. She says: "I guess so. That's all I'm good for anyways."

Wow.

Does she have issues or what? Self-esteem?

She also tried to get S18 to come out to the car and talk to her. He wouldn't.

Anyways, it was tough not being here and not seeing her today, but you know what? I feel good. I still have my moments, but I feel good about today. I honestly thought that I would be weak and stay here, but I didn't. I got the hell out of here.

Tad