Tryin to do what works

[NEmoose43]

First thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2147698&page=1

Well, just got home from a fun evening out with some friends and figured I'd start up a new thread since the other was getting a little long in the tooth.

Still feeling really good tonight. W called to say goodnight, unprompted again, so that was nice. Not reading anything into it before anyone pulls out the 2x4's. It is a comforting thought that this is her last night needing to be anywhere near school, and thus OM, for quite a while.

But enough about that, since there is one topic that I wanted to get some advice on, and in all the heavy stuff that I've been over this past week, it honestly slipped my mind.

Our 6-year anniversary is coming up on May 28th. We have a hotel room booked in Boston for the night, which W and I both planned out a while ago. We had talked about it after this all began in March, and W said she still wanted to go. But after this week I have no idea how to handle the topic.

As of now, we're spending the day there on Saturday, we have dinner reservations, and then we're headed back down to our house on Sunday before W flies out to Denver for a conference on Memorial Day. [side note: I was originally worried about OM being at that event, but W is attending with her best friend from high school and I have outside confirmation that he is going to another conference in Vegas the same week where he is actually presenting something] Boston has always been a special place for us. I lived up there for 8 years, and the hotel we always stay at is actually the first place we ever went away to together.

So my current thought is to just leave it (and everything else re: our M) alone for now and let her tell me if she wants to change plans or just not go. Any thoughts folks?

And also, I'm wondering about gifts...W and I have discussed the fact that I have a tendency to go overboard on presents (a trait passed down from my father), which often made her feel inadequate. I had planned to make her a photo book of pictures from our honeymoon in Hawaii, but I know that would probably be WAY too much given the current situation. So right now, I'm just thinking of the trip being the present and maybe a nice card that's not too heavy on the "I Love You" sentiment. Any thoughts here would be appreciated as well.

Hope everyone's having a good night.

BITS
Moose

[FaithnAK]

First thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2147698&page=1

Well, just got home from a fun evening out with some friends and figured I'd start up a new thread since the other was getting a little long in the tooth.

Still feeling really good tonight. W called to say goodnight, unprompted again, so that was nice. Not reading anything into it before anyone pulls out the 2x4's. It is a comforting thought that this is her last night needing to be anywhere near school, and thus OM, for quite a while.

But enough about that, since there is one topic that I wanted to get some advice on, and in all the heavy stuff that I've been over this past week, it honestly slipped my mind.

Our 6-year anniversary is coming up on May 28th. We have a hotel room booked in Boston for the night, which W and I both planned out a while ago. We had talked about it after this all began in March, and W said she still wanted to go. But after this week I have no idea how to handle the topic.

As of now, we're spending the day there on Saturday, we have dinner reservations, and then we're headed back down to our house on Sunday before W flies out to Denver for a conference on Memorial Day. [side note: I was originally worried about OM being at that event, but W is attending with her best friend from high school and I have outside confirmation that he is going to another conference in Vegas the same week where he is actually presenting something] Boston has always been a special place for us. I lived up there for 8 years, and the hotel we always stay at is actually the first place we ever went away to together.

So my current thought is to just leave it (and everything else re: our M) alone for now and let her tell me if she wants to change plans or just not go. Any thoughts folks?

And also, I'm wondering about gifts...W and I have discussed the fact that I have a tendency to go overboard on presents (a trait passed down from my father), which often made her feel inadequate. I had planned to make her a photo book of pictures from our honeymoon in Hawaii, but I know that would probably be WAY too much given the current situation. So right now, I'm just thinking of the trip being the present and maybe a nice card that's not too heavy on the "I Love You" sentiment. Any thoughts here would be appreciated as well.

Hope everyone's having a good night.

BITS
Moose

My apologies. I did not realize you started another post.

NO. Lead. Call her, text her, email her....whatever your choice of medium is and politely tell her you canceled your reservations. Then try as hard as possible to get out of talking to her further. IF and only IF she asks why...."I can't plan this time with you if you are with someone else. I can't live with an open marriage and spend time with you if you are sharing your time with someone else. Have a good night/day/etc" and walk away/hang up/let it go.

You lead, stand up for yourself, and set a boundary. It's all win. You will feel like a part of you died a little, but you ARE STRONG and WILL MOVE ON WITH OR WITHOUT HER.

[~¤DG¤~]

I agree about canceling the reservations.
As much as it hurts, the time together right now probably wouldn't go as you would hope anyway.

We have an anniversary in June, and I'm not planning on drawing attention to it at all. Sure, I'll be thinking about us on that day, but H won't know that.

[ninelives]

I agree with DG and AK. My wife always wants to do things as a family and said once , " I need this, not just the kids and you need it as well".

No I dont, not as long as you are sleeping with OM , I dont need to be going out for dinners and being this "happy family"

She gets real p1ssy with me when I refused to go to Easter dinner with them etc... but this is the reality that she has created. They need to see that reality and the more that you cater to them, then what have they lost? They get the best of both worlds.

I am just trying to be nicer with my texts and if I see her in person , I wont ignore her like I have been doing. Thats the extent of it.

Good luck MOOSE.

9

[NEmoose43]

Thanks guys, it was either leave it alone until she said something or do the canceling myself. I'm going to decide this afternoon.

9, I just read a post you had on Denver's thread that really resonated with me as well. I cannot know for sure how honest she's really being with me regarding OM. For me to catch her outside his house and have her swear up and down that nothing was happening...well, it just scares me that the woman I married could lie to my face under those conditions. And I also cannot know for sure what kind of influence he actually has on her at this point.

My thought right now is just to try and exercise the patience that I have been so sorely lacking the last two months. She's done with school, and she'll either be here or at her parents tonight, so I know I need to act as if as hard as I possibly can at this point. I just miss her so much...I miss my best friend.

Is it possible for me to stand up for myself and still at least try to take her at her word? I don't know. I feel like I'm balanced on the edge of a very sharp knife right now. I'm going to pull back, I have to. But then she acknowledges that she's hurt me and swears that she still loves me and I haven't lost her, which is the worst part. I'd almost rather she acted like she didn't give a F and just straight-up left me. She ACTS like she still wants to try for us, she SAYS the right things.

I've reread a ton of Sandi and 25's notes and advice over the last day or so, and I understand that she's eating cake. And I also can see in her eyes and actions that she really has no idea what she wants. God please give me the patience to see this through, to give her the time and the space that she needs. And please give me the strength to be the man that I want to be FOR ME, and hopefully she'll see it.

Sorry guys, just feeling really beaten down by all this today. Not contacting her for three days has been hard...and it's probably magnified by her staying in contact with me so much.

[Timetotry]

Patience and some more patience. She is running to someone else as an escape from reality that over time, felings will fade.

This allows you to seize the opportunity to better yourself, for yourself. You will be the man that only a fool would leave!

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[ninelives]

Stay the course MOOSE. I made so many mistakes because i was not patient and often reacted to my emotions.

It hurts like hell , like nobody not going through this cant understand.

BE sttong and be patient and DONT let that hurt influence you into doing stupid things. It will not serve you well even though you might think its the right thing to do sometimes.

God bless
9

[sandi2]

Stop and think about celebrating a wedding anniversary when you are S from your W. Does it make sense to do the whole hotel, dinner thing?

And also, I'm wondering about gifts...W and I have discussed the fact that I have a tendency to go overboard

No gifts!! Nothing! Zero! Zip!

I had planned to make her a photo book of pictures from our honeymoon in Hawaii, but I know that would probably be WAY too much given the current situation

That would just about seal the doom of the M if you do that!

As of now, we're spending the day there on Saturday, we have dinner reservations,

So it has been discussed? Who brought it up?

maybe a nice card that's not too heavy on the "I Love You" sentiment

Again, think about the current situation. Remember, no pursuing, no pressures.

[NEmoose43]

Reading you loud and clear Sandi...

The trip was actually suggested by my W AFTER all this started in March. We have taken an annual trip every year around our anniversary, and she felt really bad that her conference was scheduled for that week this year. Honestly, I'm not going to be that broken up if we don't do anything this year, but it wouldn't surprise me if she decided to acknowledge it in some way.

I think this upcoming week is going to be very telling for us. I don't really have any expectations after the last two days, but I'm interested to see what the reduced stress does to the situation on her end.

[FooFighter999]

.
Not contacting her for three days has been hard...and it's probably magnified by her staying in contact with me so much.

It gets easier, trust me. The more contact you have the harder it becomes and the 'cake eating' continues.
Try not to be so available when she contacts you.

I have learned this the hard way from my own situation and can confirm that it does not / will not help you in any way. My W is now further away from me than ever and the outlook is grim.

FF999