Won't stand for a broken family

[dbmod]

^

[Timetotry]

Journaling:

Very twisted day. Met H at D3 softball game and we all had a good time; he coaches and I helped out with batting rounds. He offered to pick me up some lunch and come back to the house. He even sat next to me at the table, not 'his' seat. Then left to shower and came back to get S and D3 for overnite. I went shopping and came home crying. First night ever by myself. There has always been someone in the house, my D2 usually come midnight but she is staying out tonight at a friends. On the phone catching up with my sister for two hours. Seemed boring for a Saturday night but then the twist.

My friend who calls come in as 'private' rang. We were not even speaking of three minutes before I get an H text:

H: Are you ok?
Me: Fine..u?
H:Just checking..seemed like you were not well earlier
Me:In what way?
H:Don't know..but if all good then sleep well
Me: Thanks. Hope you an sleep too. Are you ok?
H: Yup. I'm good..very good day. Nite.

I just thought wow. He always seems to text when I get private calls and I know he accesses the phone log online access. I won't confront but it made me feel so much better because then I know he is watching and thinking and questioning. Its what I need him to do.

Ended up being a good day then afterall and I am ok to be in the house alone tonite!

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[Timetotry]

Sick to my stomach right now. D3 called to say she misses me and says they are going to look for a puppy.
D1 texts saying H is getting a dog and what is wrong with him these days.

H texts saying can he keep kids out for a bit longer and I said sure. I said D3 said you are looking at puppies, your mom wants another? H said, "I do..still debating it. Something I want". I said "Since when? you never wanted one?". He said "Since lately..always had one. Different man now". I just said "yup".

A dog? Now he knows I don't want a dog, not that I don't like them, just can't maintain something else to care for. So I guess this still means he has no desire to come back? I am so sad. So thought we made progress over the last two weeks. I am so lost on this rollercoaster. Is he testing me? I absolutely hate this.


H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[dbmod]

Hi Time-

Don't let this dog thing have deep meaning for you. It's just a detail. Think of him like you think of a teenager 'trying on' different possiblities/scenarios to see what fits for him. He isn't done with this type of thing either, he's going to try on several things.

Just like your quote, "it is what YOU make it"...don't let it be that important. Take a listening type stance, not a judgment type stance.

It will be ok.

[Timetotry]

Thanks DBmod, I actually thought the same thing about an hour or so later and thankfully I did with the rest of the way the day played out.

H came to the house and talked to me about D2. A few points were worth remembering:

1) He said that a dog is because he is lonely right now and it wouldn't stop him from coming back if that day ever comes. And wanted to show me the pic and said how I would like her.
2) He said he wasn't coming home anytime soon cause he doesn't want to let the kids down again.
3) He wants to come over because he misses the kids and the house. Hmmm..the house? But talks to me the whole time.

H later had the discussion with D2 with points to note:

1) Wants the dog cause he is lonely and wants to name her Faith.

--Ironic I think.

2) Told D2 he sees me changing and finding myself, doing things he thought I should have done over the years, such as go out with friends.

--Wow, noticing?

3) He said that getting the dog would not stop he and I from ever getting back together.

--So he said a positive to D2 and she noticed.

4) He noticed how I was interacting with many other parents yesterday at softball and didn't pay attention to the game.

--Ok, now if he is coaching and pitching to them, he is watching me in the stands? Something must be making him think.

D2 later said to me she doesn't understand why he is saying that I am changing so much when I haven't. I said I think its a perception of his that is changing as well as me changing some behavioral techniques and focusing a bit on myself, a.k.a DB! Now if I can only detach completely, not care that he is noticing, I'd be in a better position.

Came back from such a low to a high. I like the high part of the ride soooo much better!

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[dbmod]

Great job! We all like the high better....but at least you're seeing it's a ride. There will be ups and downs, and just know when you're in a down...and up is coming.

Keep up the good work!

[NEmoose43]

Hi Time,
Wanted to let you know the last time I tried to update my signature it let me do it...I think it happened after I was out of full moderation. Try it again, might work now.

And I hear you on the need to detach, believe me. I'm trying like crazy myself, but that is by far the hardest part. W was always my best friend, even when we were angry, and now to not have that around is killing me.

I keep telling myself that the detachment is not from the person, it's from the R...easy to say, hard to do. But we gotta try right?

Best of luck to you.

[Timetotry]

Thanks NeMoose, good perspective that I have to keep in mind.

Journaling:

He text me a few times today seeing how I was/checking in. He told me he took the day off and decided to get the puppy last night. He was taking D3 and S to dinner so he came over afterschool with the dog. He kept referring to it as 'honey' or the name he gave "Faith" (and he is so non-religious), I swear the more I watched him, the less attracted I was to him today. I am just seeing how lost he really is and I feel bad for him and don't see myself caring how I can help. Its as if I am detaching in a way I think. Yet, when they left, I still cried. I cried for my old husband that I miss so bad.

They came back and he said nothing much. Yet, an hour later starts texting again. Just dumb texts though. I said at one point try to get some sleep (cause he doesn't since the bomb) and he says he will try but he has a kid to take care of now. Stupid. Just trying to find ways to fill the void.

I swear I'm married a 17 year old and I respond thinking its a way to connect for him that seems to be working but I am beginning to wonder how much its working. Sure, he is saying something but its pointless stuff.


H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[Timetotry]

Journaling:

A couple days since I posted but there isn't much change to me to report but I do still believe there are baby steps towards having a new M again.

He makes a point of initating texts and even phone calls this week. Not really much in context but its a connection of sorts and its all positive.

Had IC session where she wants me to bring up the R to him. I explained about DB'ing and how it seems to be working. She said how the communication we are having will result in limbo for a long time and isn't healthy for either of us. She thinks its gone too long already. She wants me to say it was her suggestion that we meet twice a week for two hours each time to talk about our issues. I said how he only had a few issues and has told me but he is just not ready to try and is scared thinking I will go back to old ways. She said to say "My therapist says we should meet to figure out if we should try again or divorce". She is concerned that our grieving process is beginning to vary in so that I will completely be 'done' when he will want to try and would rather us handle issues during the state of confusion.

Now I am really confused. That goes against what seems to be working. I just think he knows I want to try and i should just act 'as if' and when he brings it up, I can then decide to talk/validate and say "I have alot to think about" should he ask to start a R again.

I did test a bit tonight, when he came over to pick up S and D, I said how he is invited to goto niece's communion party tomorrow. He said that it would be 'too awkward' if he went. I took this as a positive again cause he didn't say that there is no way he'd ever be at a family function again since we are divorcing. I said about the activites, etc and he said it sounds like fun. I stopped talking about it then, didn't want to push.

Hope I am on the right track for my well being that can result in a new M.

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

[Timetotry]

Need opinions badly!

He brings kids back and sits to talk and just 'be' with me. He said that he can't just come with us today because of the puppy. I said "well, if you really want to go, you could get the cage and leave her here for five hours, she should be ok here". He said he also doesn't want to confuse the kids. I just validated and left it at that. No pressure.

He wants to come over tomorrow to cut the grass yet again (think my grass is cut more than anyone's in the neighborhood right now). I said "sure what time?" He said "if I have no plans, he came come over and buy steaks,etc to make me Mothers Day dinner." I said that would be very nice. Inside I was JUMPING FOR JOY!

H left then texts saying to let me know when we are home tonight. He'd love to come over to 'take care of me'. He also said he notices how I am "evolving". I just replied "thanks and I'll have to let him know about tonight". This I want, we always have the BEST time there. I think I read thru DB to do 'it' anytime I can if the chance is there, it brings some sort of feelings back. But does it since he is a MAN after all? I want the 'good time'and to help put the good, positive thoughts in his head to confuse him more but I also don't want to be like the college girl that gets the booty call at 2am from ex-boyfriend. And I tried to act 'as if' since he seems to notice a new W.

Hope I can get advice before I come home tonight! Hope my posts will be released for then!

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!