Back in the day I had some killer goals. I decided to whip them out again and set some short term ones for myself.
1. Find myself again. * Get on medication. * Workout regularly. * Get more friends. * Spend more time with friends. * Get involved in hobbies. * Get a job. Current Progress: * Started today. * Personal trainer 3x a week. Cardio on off days. * Have one good friend, need to find a way to meet others. * Going out during the week and weekends with friend. * Will start golfing again soon. * Starting to noodle on the job front. Results: Resuming the personal trainer after being away for two weeks. I have to work on the motivation to get myself out the door for the cardio on the off days better. I have one good friend and need to make more - maybe through this friend somehow? Not sure what to do on the job front, I'll have a good scrub through craigslist soon. I'm not sure getting a permanent job out here in my career is a move I want to make right now.
2. Resume friendly behaviors with H. * Talking regularly. (1x or more a day?) * Laughing together. * Feeling safe sharing things. * Feeling supported/being supportive. * Doing some kind of activity together (1x a week?) How I Will Accomplish This: * Staying happy and light in conversation. * Listening more than talking. * Giving H full attention, making eye contact if in person. * Validating H's feelings. * Validating H's wants and needs. * Letting H know his wants and needs are important to me. * Talking his love language - words of affirmation. Current Progress: * Need to work on being happy and lighthearted. Right now I'm talking about the R too much, pushing him away and making him defensive. * Need to work on listening too, I'm not doing well yet although he doesn't have much to say right now. * Full attention is not a problem right now. I am making eye contact with him but he does not return it. * Trying to validate where I can. It's hard when I don't understand and he doesn't want to talk. * Right now his wants and needs are getting out of this D, I've told him I'll go along with what he wants without a fight. * I have to purposely remember to do this. I have complimented H but I need to be more aware. Results: Not sure yet. Like I said he's feeling pushed to defend himself at this point by my actions so I need to back off here. I'm just starting the work in the other areas, time will tell.
3. Work on the M with H as an active participant. * H will be open to self help books or other materials. * H will actively participate in counseling to repair the M. * H will not take further action on the D. * H will not move out of the house. How Will I Accomplish This: * I'm not sure. Current Progress: * ... Results: He hasn't moved out of the house yet. He has read a few things from the boards that I sent in email - things he wrote when we were back here. He hasn't taken too much action on the D yet.
Since we do have some systemic issues in our R that need work, I also have a list of long term goals that I want to work on. These are a little more rough and without the baby steps for now. We're nowhere near them but I'm hoping this starts the answer to "how do I show him how this M is going to be different if he comes back".
1. My H and I will be attracted to each other on a physical level. (Want each other, desire each other.) * He will fondle or touch me when we are not just in bed. * He will initiate sex. * He will flirt with me and talk about doing sexual things with me.
2. We will have good sex - we will be mentally turned on to each other as well as physically. (Passion, need.) * He will talk more during sex about what he wants and what I want as well as just plain 'dirty talk'. * He will talk about my reactions during the acts as well as his reactions. * He will spend time touching me in places that aren't erogenous zones. * He will be more playful and try new things. * He will give me more compliments.
3. We will communicate more openly about problems in the R. * He will be comfortable talking to me about things that cause conflict, negative feelings, problems or things that may hurt me. * I won't react harshly or shut him down when he brings up these subjects.
