Standing for my live-in MLC'er/WAS

[angel61]

Cyrena,

You have hit the nail right on the head.

I have forced R talk one too many times in the past, with the result that H would say that with all the hurt going around, it would be best for us to part ways, but the words lacked conviction on his part, and I know that he was just being forced to that position because he knew that he was causing too much pain, and the situation was not comfortable. That is why he still is here with us. I am sure if he really wanted to leave no matter what I say or do, he would go. I know that he is not ready yet, he is not out of the crisis. He does not like R talk either, he always would say it would jut make things worse. He knows he is in crisis, actually he was the first to diagnose himself, and is trying to see if he will eventually get out of it. He himself has asked me to be patient. I think I know the meaning of patience now.

Nobody said this is easy, but I am glad that I am with this group of people who has the insight and the courage to not only look at the other person but at themselves. It would be so easy to blame everything on our spouse, but instead, we look at ourselves and realize that indeed, we play a big role in causing this as well.

Just this morning I was replaying in my mind how I make small comments on everything my H does, and suddenly it hit me why he thinks I attack him and devalue him. I may have thought I was just correcting misconceptions, or think I am helping by giving suggestions and constructive criticism, and I even forget them after I say them, but truly, if I comment on everything he does, trying to make it better, in the long run it would have made him feel that he never did anything right in my eyes.

If I separate myself, my actions, from what he is doing, not weave them together, not make him and me interdependent, remove the feelings of resentment, of unfairness, then yes, I can work on improving myself.As many of you have written on the board, I will make myslef a woman only a fool would leave. And more and more, those words seriously are taking on meaning, and no longer is just lip service. I used to look on them as mere platitudes, thinking to myself "of course, I just have to go back to being what I was when we first met" but now I realize it goes beyond that! As each day passes, more and more my own fog lifts, the fog of resentment and betrayal, and I see myself laid bare before my own eyes.

I feel lucky to be given this chance to change, and have my H still with me. He does not even know it, but he is also changing, becoming more patient, as he sees me struggle through my own journey. He is learning to read me, and I am seeing that I cannot hide, as much as I am learning to read him.

Thank you for sharing your experience with regard to the trust issues. I am gald someone else has experienced this. That is exactly how my H feels. I believe that he does not see himself as untrustworthy, because I think as long as it is not a PA, they do not feel that it is wrong. Your H probably also believed that he was "in love" and love is an honourable emotion. It is true that they cannot bridge the chasm of what they know they are like (an upright, family oriented man) to what they can are doing. And they look around for everything that they can blame, but quickly it comes around - my H accepted the blame a long time ago, and for that I am thankful. But I think there are other issues there; in a sense it is almost like they are testing us, because if we could not trust them with things like making sure the family is taken cared of, there could be no possibility of the M succeeding in the future. I always tell my H that I do trust him; but I know my actions do not support it.

I see that things really happen in a step wise manner; it is happening for him and for me as well. This crisis has its own timeline, and it is different for everybody. And for a couple to go through this, both of you actually have to walk together, yet apart.

My H has gone through this sequenece:

1. Blaming others (me, my parents being with us, our debt)
2. Blaming himself (taking reposnibility for his actions, sparing OW the guilt)
3. Realizing that his fantasy of everything falling into place and of his and OW's life becoming a fairytale was not going to come true
4. Then now I think he is starting to look at the consequences of his actions (especially after what happened to D)

I hope next that he starts to think about choices.

And that is why I am thinking of retrouvaille - I see him turning back to God lately, he has been praying a lot and has been telling me how he realizes that he made vows to God and that he also does not want to break them.

Day by day, things change. the next session is still in August anyway, so I think I have time.

Thanks again....