You say at one point that you wish you could talk to your H--so you'd know whether he wanted to work on your M, or go to Retrouvaille. From what you've described, your H is nowhere near coming out of his crisis, so it's too soon for Retrouvaille or for R talks. He's still testing you and acting out of emotion, rather than from the conviction that he wants to change. He's still communicating with the OW occasionally and hanging on to reminders of her--he's not yet sure he can let that go. If you were to get him to talk, that might force him to take a position he's not yet sure about.
After my H ended things with his EA partner the first time, he did a lot of the things you describe--engaged with me more, sometimes discussed plans for the future, snuggled when asleep, spent more time as a family--BUT that didn't mean he had made a decision to commit to me, just that sometimes he felt closer to me again. He became more and more confused and undecided (including feeling he HAD to have OW in his life) once he finally started to face his issues.
Good for you for recognizing that you can only change yourself, not your H. And good for you for being able to recognize many ways in which you are being controlling. Until you have eliminated the issues that lie behind your need for control, you will not be able to rebuild a healthy M--so keep digging deep and really confront the fears which are so deep you're afraid even to think about them. Guaranteed, in the light of scrutiny they suddenly won't terrify you so much.
You talk about the difficulty of trusting again--but be aware that's also a control issue, a way of viewing ourselves in the victim position so that we can cast all blame on the person who put us there. Once you are able to forgive, you'll find that wound is healed.
As long as he was in crisis, my H also became very distressed at any hint that I didn't trust him. Meanwhile, he was unable to act/speak in a trustworthy manner. I think it's part of the bifurcated brain of MLC, that they can't bridge the chasm between wanting to see themselves as honourable, as they previously did, and not understanding why they're driven to behave in ways they once would have considered disgraceful.
