When the mule stops you can get off and try a different tactic. When all else fails, you just keep walking towards your goal.
Your success in DBing isn't necessarily tied to the success in saving your R. Rather it's about success in growing as a person, learning new skills, healing, and becoming the kind of person the WAS is absolutely stupid to walk away from. Even if you don't save this R, these skills will be invaluable to you in all walks of life from interactions with co-workers and family members to dating again.
Have a good weekend no matter what!!!!!!!!!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
except she is still placating your with words, trying to keep you as plan B
Holy Smokes Michelle you are the third person to tell me this, would it surprise you that the other were also women? Prob not.
25, Cat, and you have been driving this home for a few days now. Such a simple concept really, but it absolutely comes down to actions and not words. While she appears to struggle she continues to move forward.
Very Well..........
My objective is clear.........
Not to me. What is it?
To be honest with you I am not sure why I am still swimming in circles here. The outcome is very clear.
"Outcome"?? You are divorced...that happened already.
Why do I look over my shoulder?
B/C OF FEAR...NEARLY PARALYZING YOU...
Actions speak louder than words.
YEAH, WELL, WORDS WEIGH NOTHING. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS NOW IS THE ACTIONS & THEY HAVE TRANSPIRED AND YOU ARE DIVORCED...ENO OF THE M....can you hope that someday you guys will get a 2nd chance? I think someday long from now, you can hope that. But it's way too soon for now.
I wonder if I'm in love, not with X, but with the IDEA of being in love.
Many of us are or have been.
I imagine that answer will come with time.
NOT NECESSARILY. AND YOU MAY NEVER GET IT. SO??
The irony of having to let go of someone you love is that it takes a lot of love to be able let go of someone.
IN THEORY I AGREE WITH YOU. BUT IN YOUR SITCH, WHAT'S TO "LET GO" OF? SHE'S GONE...SORRY.
Problems occur when I avoid the grieving process and try to cling to something that has died. At the very least, the inability to let go will keep me stuck in the past and I won't really be living my life. It is natural to grieve for a period and just as natural to eventually let go. When that will happen is anybody's guess. I wish I knew!!!
IN A NUTSHELL, THIS IS THE CHOICE YOU SEEM TO BE MAKING FOR YOURSELF, ON A DAILY BASIS...TO STAY STUCK, NOT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE...HOW SAD. MAKE A NEW CHOICE TODAY.
In order to fully accept my divorce and move on, I need to understand what happened
THIS IS A LIE I USED TO BELIEVE...fact is, I will likely NEVER understand my h's MLC (or whatever it was).AND I DON'T NEED TO EITHER. The past is NOT seen the same way by people so there'll never be agreement on it. What matters is that you learn what YOU would do differently if you had the chance, "from this day forward." Keep your eye on the "now" and the future. My biggest regret is the enormous energy and TIME i wasted trying to understand what h was doing, thinking, feeling, etc. I'd ask "Why, why why?" all the time. But then I remembered a 10 y/o girl I met in cancer camp for kids. She was terminally ill and said she had been asking God "Why" she got cancer. Her words were "I used to ask God why I got cancer. Why, why, WHY? THEN I realized i just did...and I wanted to have a fun life while I can." She did have a great summer, and it was her last. She was wise beyond her years. Enough of the "why?s"...LIVE YOUR LIFE...it's short as it is.
and acknowledging the part I played. It’s important to understand how the choices I made affected the relationship. Learning from my mistakes is the key to not repeating them.
Own them, learn from them, and let them go...period. Work on the concept of forgiveness and what it really means. FORGIVENESS WILL SET YOU FREE.
I believe I have done this and it still carries A LOT of guilt!
I am happy because I am growing daily and I honestly don't know where the limit lies. To be certain, every day there can be a revelation or a new discovery. I treasure the memory of the past misfortunes. It has added more to my bank of fortitude.
Going forward I will cut back the contact quite a bit although right now I don't call at all or reach out to her in anyway.
I believe the only way for me to heal is to move in the opposite direction.
My inability to heal and accept the end lies in my constant contact and allowing myself to pay more attention to her words than I do her actions.
NO WORDS OF HERS SHOULD MATTER IN TERMS OF THE R...AT ALL...LET ME REITERATE...her WORDS are NOT IMPORTANT...and frankly neither are the actions NOW, b/c she already finished the marriage....
But know that where the head goes, the heart will follow. At some level this will start to sink in if you let it, and then real change might occur. It has to for you to move forward...
Good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Man I like to listen to 25. She is to the point and does not mince words. Listen to her 2step.
Close that door but dont lock it , because as I said before, I dont think she is done with you.
But live your life right now like she is DONE. MOve on, do new things, be happy.
I know that you are an intereesting perosn. YOu were before you met her and I know you are better now. Let that person come out and let the rest of the world enjoy the NEW 2step.
DO NOT be defined by your Marriage. IT is not who 2step is.
HE IS SOOOOOOO MUCH MORE.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
sorry if I'm repeating myself, but on the off chance I have not told you this, I DO know people who have div and remarried their ex's later. Two family members in fact, and both said the 2nd time around was better. But years had passed between the first and 2nd marriage and all parties changed a lot for the better. One person got sober, which helped! The others got rid of their anger issues, all of them lost their "grievance list," and all of them learned how to forgive...
Those are things that can apply to anyone (whereas not all pro marriage advice fits each couple) so keep it in mind.
Finally, since each person believed that the m had died, They moved on. They grew, took up new interests (=GAL), did some 180's, and evolved...none of them planned or assumed the ex would return. They just moved on but shed their baggage.
B/c of children, SOME contact was inevitable, even if very limited. After a few years of family events, each person learned to feel more comfortable around the former spouse.
At some particularly momentous event, the couple had coffee & talked & listened. Finally one day, one of them asked the other if they had found more happiness outside of the marriage. They each admitted that in fact, they had learned a lot but had not found the grass to be greener on the other side. (As they say, "the grass is greener where you put the most water"). And they missed the other...
So they began dating again. And remarried. My uncle passed away a few years ago but at his death bed stood my aunt, and all their children. That would not have happened if they had not remarried.
Take whatever applies and see if it helps.
good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
(As they say, "the grass is greener where you put the most water").
I like that quote.
Too bad our walkaway's connot see that until the years have passed them by.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
