The big punch

[JustStunned]

Mk, IMO that is one of the most positive posts I have seen you make. I am stepping away from philosophies and behaviors learned in my past and posting something recently adopted.

IMO we must acknowledge that the changes we adopt are dynamic and we can never let them rest completely. We need to adhere to a Kaizen philosophy here “seeking continuous improvement”. We will never really be done with change as outside factors force us to adapt. If we do not evolve we stagnate and die.

Much, much more to it than this, but in a nutshell from my poor old memory

We evaluate based on fact, determine improvements, implement the easiest improvements with the greatest impact first, have patience for the improvements to pass through the change cycle, sustain, then repeat. Continuous improvement is a lot of effort at first. It becomes easier as the changes for improvement become smaller adjustments to external stimuli.

Ok, so the bomb was a d@mm big external stimuli, but we’ve changed and adjusted as a result. Now we need to keep tweaking for greater improvement.

The change cycle is described as having 6 stages. Loss, Doubt, Discomfort, Discovery, Understanding, Integration. We do not get to the positive side and begin to implement real change until the 4th stage. None of this happens overnight it takes time and commitment.

I think most of the LBS here have the commitment; some lack the patience to make the time. I think most of our WAS are slow to reach stage 4 Discovery and most keep cycling back to stage 1 Loss because walking away is inherently seeking a quick change externally rather than putting in the effort for lasting internal change.

[Redo]

Thanks JS: This event lifted my blinders on how bad my issues were. I just wish my wife had a bit more patience on waiting. But i wont hold it against her. I guess she just ran out of patience.

[Redo]

Journaling...

Yesterday i really made some time to clean the house a bit. Felt really good. Atleast i knew that house was clean. Getting things accomplished feels good. Planning on more house cleaning this weekend. Maybe some Ikea shopping to decorate the house my way a bit. Calling daughter everyday feels really good. Makes my day to hear her voice. Planning to visit her in 2 weeks. Gotta figure out things to do...

[Redo]

People, I really help on this. Not sure how to process this in my head.

So i call up usual time at 4:30 to talk to daughter. Wife and daughter were at store so wife said she'll call up once they were home. Call then came in after 1 hr. Wife said that daughter was having dinner, so will not be able to talk to me today. I said thats okay and that i'll call up tomorrow. Then we had this convo.

W : "Hey did you see the decree response from my lawyer. Did you talk to your lawyer and do you have the response?"

M : "Oh wait, did your lawyer not hear from mine? I retained her this tuesday to represent me"

W : "Maybe my lawyer forgot. So you are retaining her. To discuss what?"

M : "Oh i wanted her to first go through the decree to make sure everything was okay. But the one thing i wanted was to have joint custody of daughter. You know i have been a good dad"

Wife immediately starts shouting on the phone.

W : "No you have not been a good dad. You visited her once after we left. You did not even offer to pay for her kindergarten until i mentioned it"

M : "Wife, you decided to take her away from her house. How am supposed to know how much the kindergarten cost?. You know that i've asked you the withdraw the money you wanted for kindergardten from the checking account?"

W : You know everytime i think i'll be little nice to you, this is how i get treated. I bent down a lot for you on this divorce. I wanted sole custody because daughter can get some idea of a happy family. If this was the issue, then why the divorce?"

M : "You tell me? All i want is to be part of daughter's life. She needs to know her dad too."

W : "You are playing dirty right now. If this is the path you are going to take us, then i want you to be in full therapy if you want joint custody. I know that you will rub off your physycological issues on her"

M : "Wife, look i retained out the lawyer so that these things can be discussed. right now you are dredging up the past, which is useless because we are already at the point of divorce"

Wife then just gets more mad and started shouting. I told her to talk to me when she has calmed down and we hung up...

I then talked to couple of my close friends at work. They said that since i threw a monkey wrench into wife's plans, she is freaking out.

Then i was heading home from work and wife calls again. I pick up the phone.

W : "Why did you pick up when i called earlier? "

M : "My boss was in my cube. I had to hang up"

W : "You are playing a very dirty game right now. You did not even visit daughter for her b-day (This is was feb, 8 days after i came back from india. I was in no state emotionally to go there at that time. Wife at one point said she knew that too). You did not even come when she was sick."

M : "Wife apart from the logistics, you just filed for divorce, took daughter to your folks place and whenever i tried call in the begining, kept giving me excuses to talk to daughter. If daughter was in our town, dont you we would have celebrated her b-day with a big party??. You decided to take her away."

W : "So are you planning to pull us to court?"

M : "I have no such intention. As i said, i just have one issue that i wanted to be addressed"

W : "You are the worst father. You were never a good husband. I know how you operate. I have seen you with others. When buying the house. When buying the car. I know how crush them"

M : "Wife if you know that about me, you also know in your heart that with you i was always a puppet. When you left in 2009, how many way did i try to woo you back. did you forget so soon. Yes, i am a very tough guy for outsiders. I do it for my family. But you know in your heart that with you i am putty. That is why i am in this mess emotionally"

W : "You think you can mess with me. I'll make you repent. I'll take you court and show them that you are not emotionally stable. (in 2004 i went through lil depression at work. One thing that helped me was keeping journal of my thoughts so i could work through my issues. When i came back to the US, i found that the journal was missing. I never suspected that my wife would take it. I always thought that i must have either thrown it away or mispalced it)."

M : "So you have my journal?"

wife silent.

M : "Wow i did not think you would come to this level. Look i am not interested in fighting with you or hurting you. You know very well that i did not place any requirement for you to be in austin"

W : "Think properly, how would the logistcis work out in austin. How would i take care of daughter and feed her if i am in austin"

M : "Look i never said i'll force you to be in austin. I know that you are happy with your family in dallas and you have help there. I would never do that. I am trying to show you that i am not trying to be vindictive or bad. I dont know why you have such a bad image of me after having known me for 11 years"

W : "Why dont you do us all a favor and just go back to india. Why are you even here???". she was hysterical at this point.

M : "Look, i want to be close to daughter. So no i will not be going back. But i now understand your intention of you wanting sole custody. What's surprising is that you still want 60% of the assets and full child support payments."

W : "Just do us a favor and just die"

Wife hung up the phone.

-----

Indians usually are secretive about domestic issues. Today i feel like i've given up my shame and posted all that happened. If it is too graphic, i am sorry.

At this point i am not even sure where to start my thought process.

1: All this time even though my family kept telling me that wife was being manipulative and that harbored very ill feelings, i brushed them aside and never believed them for a minute. I always thought that wife knew i was a decent dad. Went to every one of daughter's various doctor appointments, sometimes even cancelling my meetings at work. For this wife said that i missed 2 appts with her GE doctor. Yup, 2 out of some 60 odd appts.

2: I somehow never thought that wife wanted me totally out of the picture (asking me to go back to india). I have a lot of self pride. I came to the US on student visa for my graduate studies. I worked in the college kitchen and cleaned bathrooms to pay for myself at school. Yup, wife's family did ask me to apply for resident through wife because they thought it would be quicker. I did not like it, but did it. Honestly i have nothing in the US, apart from my daughter. My entire family is in India. The only reason for me to stay in the US is for my daughter so i can see her.

3: She somehow thinks i am out to get her. She and her family had this insider joke that i was a cat in the house and tiger outside the house. Yup, i could not argue worth anything with wife at home. But outside, yes I made sure i got the work done. I always had a very soft corner for wife.
One of the reasons i did not retain a lawyer is because i promised wife that i'll not fight her if she wanted out of the marriage. She now thinks that i out to get her. What she does not know is that i did tell me lawyer that i had no intention of this case going to court. If i have compromise, i will. Just 4 days ago, i honestly was ready to accept whatever was offered and close this case just so i can keep wife happy.

I guess what hurts like hell is that even in my wildest dreams, i did not think that my wife, the person who i could not even dream of leaving hates me like this.

I think whatever false hopes i had that we would reconcile have just been washed away.

Sorry, but i had to vent somewhere. Just a really really bad evening today.

[♪CS♪]

Karma, you handled yourself so well. I am proud of you. Please keep up the fight for your D. It really is your focus now.

Your W is pissed now that you are standing for your rights as a father. In time she will respect you for it.

Put R aside. It doesn't need to be false hope, but it should be behind your obliation to your D.

Be a man. Be a father.

[ninelives]

Karma, I dont know your wife but dont believe the things she says when angry and backed into a corner ( in her mind).

My W said some real nasty things over the last year when angry and a lot of theh WAW's get that way when they fight a logical arguement with their poorly equipped arsonal. They usually dont have a coherent thought so they lash out with whatever they have and that is usually just hurtful things. They lived with us for so many years, they know how to hurt.

But again, dont take it to heart so much because its probably not true.

You did handle yourself like a champ Karma. Dont let her get to you. Easier said then done.

You are the better person here. You have morals and values on your side.

9

[Redo]

CS, Nine-lives : Thanks for both of you for your support.

I am feeling better now. Went out for a dinner and movie with a friend. Felt much better after the nice ihop dinner

Yea, right now i think she's lashing out because i put a dent in her grand plans.

I guess what i am more disturbed about is the lies i have been telling myself about her. I wanted to believe that she will not be this nasty. The truth is out now. Better now i guess.

Her having swiped my personal journals i was writing to better myself so that she can use it against me right now seems the most egregious. wow i was in a fog about her.

[ninelives]

Yep,

You never know what they are capable of. The questions sometimes arises. Was she always like this but hid it or has she simply changed.

I dont know which is the right one and maybe she doesnt either.
ITs hard to tell at this stage but make no mistake, she will try and hurt you when things dont go her way.

VEry VERRY much like a spoiled teenager. I have seen that behaviour so much from my wife that it is scary.

High road always wins in the end. NO matter what. Not saying that revenge is a priority but somebody told me once that the best revenge is living well. Let her see the best Karma possible at all times and she will question herself

9

[Redo]

High road always wins in the end. NO matter what. Not saying that revenge is a priority but somebody told me once that the best revenge is living well. Let her see the best Karma possible at all times and she will question herself

agree with you fully here.

[Redo]

Journaling...

Maybe a sign of things to come.
I called up again at my usual time to talk to daughter. Usually wife in the background prods daughter to talk as daughter is not usually talkative over the phone. Today i guess she just handed the phone to daughter. Kept trying for a while to get daughter to talk. No use. So i just told daughter that i loved her and that i'll call back later and hung up.

Somehow i thought that wife would be mature enough to let our discussions and its effects stay only between us and not spill out to where daughter is involved. Oh well, maybe i'll have better luck in getting daughter to talk tomorrow.